'My husband is convinced I'm pregnant. I'm not, but he won't believe me.' UPDATED
"My husband (32M) is convinced I (26F) am pregnant. I’m not, but he won’t believe me. What do I do?"
I’m truly at a loss here. This situation has gotten worrying, and I don’t know what to do with it. Since about a week my husband became convinced I’m pregnant. I have no idea why, because I’m not. We haven’t even started trying, though we do have plans in the future.
We were just making conversation and yeah, I did mention feeling tired. But that’s all. A few hours later he just came in so excited. I told him I’m not, but he won’t let it go. He has made remarks about how happy he is, what a wonderful mother I’ll be, what our baby will be like. Not all the time, but it has come up multiple times a day.
I told him I’m not. I even took a test - because even I started wondering - and it was undoubtedly negative. I showed him & he just got annoyed, said tests can be wrong. He didn’t speak to me for the rest of the evening. The next morning he acted as if nothing happened. When I tell him I’m not, he just kind of shuts me out?
I lost my s%$# yesterday when we were in bed and he put his hand on my stomach, told him he’s acting crazy. I’m not pregnant & his behaviour is scaring me. He went to sleep in the guest room after that & left for work early in the morning. I haven’t seen him or spoken to him today.
I’m just at a loss. I don’t know where this obsession is coming from. I even asked him if I gained weight, if that’s what’s gotten him confused. He assured me I didn’t. I’m thinking of contacting his parents. Or maybe a therapist or something. I honestly don’t understand what’s happening and I’m worried about my husband.
Commenters are sharing their thoughts and offering advice:
Quiet-Hamster6509 said:
Has he tampered with your birth control. I would not sleep with him atm, wait for your next period and then demand he sees a therapist.
WantToBelieveInMagic said:
Check to make sure he hasn't tampered with your birth control. Consider getting an IUD or implant.
mountaindew711 said:
This is scary. I would get away from him, at least until a qualified professional can tell you he's stable and safe to be around. One thing that occurs to me: what kind of birth control are you using? Is it possible he poked a hole in the condom or replaced your pills with fakes? Maybe he thinks you're pregnant because you're "supposed to be" by now.
But either way, he's definitely some kind of crazy, and I don't think you should be around him or reproduce with him. Good luck and keep us posted.
And Spinnerofyarn said:
I think you are in danger. He isn’t believing the proof that you aren’t pregnant. Once he realizes you aren’t, is he then going to think that you did something to end the pregnancy and how will he react? This is very frightening and I think you need to leave at minimum until he gets a psychiatric evaluation and recognizes he’s wrong. He may not ever recognize or admit you aren’t/weren’t pregnant.
Edit from OP:
Thank you for all the replies, I didn’t expect all this. It’s been overwhelming & I’m incredibly grateful. He’s asleep next to me right now & I keep going through all the comments. My husband is one of the kindest people I’ve ever met, I promise you all that he’s not trying to manipulate me, or would do anything to harm me. But that does make me believe something is really wrong.
I’ll contact my & his parents in the morning, once he’s left for work. Maybe go stay with my mom for a bit, though I hate the idea of leaving him like this. I also definitely will make an appointment with my doctor for a blood test. Thank you for all the advice.
Two days later, she shared this mini update:
Things escalated yesterday. But I’m with my mom & his parents are at our place.
Then, two days after that, she shared this second update:
Hi everyone, I hope it’s okay I post this update. I really appreciate everyone asking if I’m safe, and I am. I wish I could give clear answers but I can’t. Things escalated when I tried to speak to him, keeping some of y’all’s advice in mind. I sat him down and explained to him that I’d love to have kids with him in the future but that I’m not pregnant right now, and that his insistence worries & scares me.
I told him we could go to the doctor together if that would put his mind at ease, or I could take another test in front of him. (I was just hoping to snap him out of it somehow.)
He got very agitated, said many hurtful things & accused me of being a liar many times. That I’m trying to keep our baby away from him, and so on. Nothing made sense & I wasn’t feeling safe anymore. I knew my husband would never harm me in any way, but that wasn’t my husband.
Things got worse, he did hurt me but nothing permanent or even emergency care-worthy. I also know that if he was in his right mind, he never would’ve done anything like this. I called mine & his parents and I’m now staying with my mom. He did seem to calm down a bit when his parents arrived.
I haven’t seen/spoken to him since then. His mother - she’s an angel - is keeping me posted about everything. We all agree something is very off about him, and we don’t know what it is. But he hasn’t agreed to getting himself checked out in any way. I don’t know how they’ll go about it, but they say - and I painfully have to agree - that it’s best to keep my distance for a bit, as most of it is aimed at me.
I’m safe, so is he. I miss him so much & just want an answer as to why he’s being like this. I keep trying to figure out if there were signs before, or what I did wrong. Thank you all for the replies, they were a great help. It’s so kind you cared to ask if I’m safe.
A mini-update, two days later:
He has apparently agreed to get himself checked out, but I haven’t heard anything else
And another mini-update, four days after that:
He’s in the hospital. Many people were right about it being a medical issue. I’ll get more into it at some point (maybe), but first need to see what’s going to happen with him. I’ve seen him a couple of times. Sometimes he’s his normal self, sometimes he can’t stand the sight of me. We’re managing somehow.
The next day (11 days after her original post), she shared a longer update:
I don’t know if anyone will see this here, but you’ve all been so kind to keep asking whether or not we’re okay. I hope I’ll reach you like this. I’m going to keep this short.
My husband has a brain tumour. A lot of people commented this, and I feel an immense amount of guilt that I hadn’t considered it till then. All the headaches & other symptoms - in hindsight - we had previously dismissed because of his stressful work situation & so on. I’m beating myself up that I hadn’t seen it before.
A wonderful team of (neuro)surgeons, oncologist & other physicians is figuring out the best approach here, if there is one. We’ll hear more in the next days. I’ve spent more time with my husband. Some moments he’s his amazing self, others he’s filled with anger. It’s difficult, but we’re managing. I wouldn’t have been able to without the support of our friends & family.
I love my husband. This situation is terrifying. In moments of clarity he’s trying to make me laugh, so I don’t worry. That’s who he is. Thank you everyone for pushing me to get him checked out.
A little less than a month later OP shared this update: "I’m irrationally angry at my husband for having a brain tumour."
I can’t say these feelings out loud, not to the people around me, so I hope it’s okay I do it here.
But I’m furious with my husband for getting sick. I know he’s not to blame, I know he’s suffering. Yet I’m still furious with him. I can’t explain it.
He’s the love of my life. How dare he get sick? How dare he change anything about the wonderful life we have planned? How dare he leave me so much sooner than when we’re old and senile? Two months ago our life was perfect. How could everything get so horrible SO fast?
I love him so much it hurts. And because of that I’m so angry with him right now.
I feel like a horrible person.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
[deleted]
Anticipatory grief. I know it well. For me, personally, the anger seems to be me flailing at the unbearable fear and pain of the impending loss. Yes, it's a feeling that no one is capable of understanding except those of us in your circumstances. No guilt for loving him so hard.
Oh yes, I feel this 💔 Fellow brain tumour partner here, hi, and sorry you're in this club. The hardest part was that we had a bad year running up to this because his personality changed and we weren't getting along..
I was in the process of getting us a couple's counsellor (for fresh eyes on his erratic takes!) instead of spotting the signs of a tumour (giant AA4 😬), so I'll always carry that guilt with me. But it's a real whiplash on the relationship dynamics: "wait, you didn't mean all that s^%$ you were just sick, and now our future is all f&%^$% up and I'm your carer 😑"
He's a lot more back to his rational self now that he's had the tumour resection, but radiation is a bastard too (and chemo, let's be honest).
Not sure where you are in the journey with treatment, it sounds pretty fresh (we're about half a year in), so if it's helpful I can share some insights on what might be in the road ahead 🫂
A little less than 2 weeks later OP shared this:
It’s 2AM here so I apologize if this is not v coherent.
I’m going to step away from all social media and I wanted to leave you with a brutally honest update. It’s silly, but y’all’s support has meant a lot to me.
Don’t get me wrong, I have wonderful family & friends. But in a way I have to comfort them too, and I can’t deal with it right now.
My husband is dying. In the 5 weeks since his diagnosis, he’s gotten worse quickly. Today the decision has been made not to continue treatment (or even properly start it). He’s not strong enough. He has a month, maybe. If we’re lucky.
I’m furious at the world right now. And I’m furious at him. Which makes me a enormous bitch, cause what kind of person is angry at their husband for being ill. I love him so much, and I hate him for it.
I’m sorry this isn’t a better update. Wish you all the best.
A little over a month later OP shared this":
He passed on the 16th. We had his funeral shortly after.
Thank you for the messages. Wishing you all the best.
4 months later OP came back with another update, "Little update":
Hi friends.
I wanted to write a little something here, I don’t know if anyone will see it or care.
I probably didn’t show it properly, but your words did mean something to me.
I’m doing okay-ish. Sometimes the grief makes me physically nauseous, but I manage. My friends have been wonderful.
For a while I took a step back from his & my family. I do regret that, I guess I had a hard time dealing with their sadness. But we’re mostly doing better now.
I have a dog now. My friend had to get rid of him because her living situation changed & asked me. Saying yes (initially temporary) was the best thing that happened. It gave me a reason to get out of bed, to focus on something else. (Now don’t go gifting your grieving friends random pets, but for me it worked out very well.)
I’ve also started working again since a few weeks, only part time. But it’s going alright.
And I recommend therapy for anyone going through this. I resisted at first. Then agreed and ended up with a therapist who I didn’t connect with (I realise now) & stopped again. Eventually tried again & I’m grateful I did. I feel a lot more comfortable & heard with her.
It’s hard, I’m not going to lie. I wanted to die, sometimes I still do. But I feel ‘lighter’ than I did before. It’s getting better. I still cry often, and that’s okay. (As my therapist would say.)
One step at a time. Thank you for giving me more kindness I expected from strangers.