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Husband 'goes off the deep end' when he finds out wife is pregnant. + Update

Husband 'goes off the deep end' when he finds out wife is pregnant. + Update

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"My husband won't speak to me after finding out I'm pregnant."

amethystpeony

This was a very much planned pregnancy after dealing with infertility for a long time. However, despite dealing with "unexplained" infertility for so long, he always refused to get tested.

He remained optimistic that we would get pregnant eventually. The thought of doing a semen analysis repulsed him so much it sent him into a downward spiral of self hatred and insecurity. Then, surprise! I got pregnant unassisted.

This should be a really exciting time for us, but all of a sudden he doesn't want to be a dad. He says he wants a divorce so I can start over with someone else. He's already found a new place to live and is in the process of moving out. He won't speak to me. He won't answer any of my questions. I'm completely and utterly confused and heartbroken.

Now, I know a lot of you will say he never wanted to be a dad. It sure seems that way. But he desperately wanted us to get pregnant when we were struggling. It was just the thought that something might be wrong with him that sent him into a spiral.

I love my husband but he very clearly has some undiagnosed mental issues. He is not thinking/seeing clearly and some of the things he's been saying seem genuinely delusional.

But he won't get help. He's stubborn as hell. You'd think he would know better because he's a doctor, but nope. He says he knows something is wrong with him but he doesn't care. He wants to disappear.

I really, really want this baby. We're in our 30s and have been trying for so long. I'm afraid the stress of this will cause me to miscarry. That's probably what he wants. I don't understand why this is happening.

How can you force someone to get help when he doesn't want to get better? How am I supposed to raise a child without him? I'm financially dependent on him because that was what we planned for.

EDIT: After talking this through in the comments, it's becoming increasingly obvious to me that my husband is not mentally well. I didn't include his entire history in this post because I thought it best to keep it relevant to this specific situation.

But he has had "episodes" like this before. I'm shocked it wasn't so obvious to me that something was wrong with him. I've suggested therapy in the past but he has had bad experiences and refuses to try again.

Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:

Aetra

Is it possible he thinks you cheated? I’m absolutely, 100% not saying you did, but I have seen it happen to couples who fall pregnant after having long term fertility trouble that don’t go the IVF route.

The OP responded here:

amethystpeony

I honestly don't even think the thought crossed his mind. He definitely would have accused me/asked me if he thought I cheated. Now that you bring it up, I'm actually surprised he doesn't think this. It would fit perfectly with the thought patterns he does share with me.

alpacaboba

Maybe the doctors told him he is infertile long ago, but he didn't have the heart to tell you. So you being pregnant may seem to imply you cheated. Otherwise his thought process makes no sense.

Miss_Fritter

Seems like you should let him go, at least with the idea it will be either temporary (ie he returns to “normal” at some point and properly communicates with you) or prove to be necessary (ie he’s having a breakdown of some sort and for your and baby’s safety, you should physically be apart).

He’s unstable right now so for the sake of your own physical and mental health, you need to focus on growing this baby and finding a safe space to land. If you have relatives who can help, reach out now.

I’m hoping he’s being responsible and will provide support to you throughout this but you should definitely look for a lawyer to help navigate this with you and baby’s best interest in mind.

I hope you can find answers for his change of heart, but don’t forget that his mental health challenges are not your problems to solve. You need to take care of yourself so you can have a healthy pregnancy. Good luck OP!

The OP again responded:

amethystpeony

You're right. I just wish there were magic words I could say to him or a magic button to press to force him to see reality, or at least get help.

peace17102930

Just picture raising a child with someone who goes in and out of these episodes. It might be a blessing that it’s happening now so you can go off and enjoy raising your child. It won’t be easy but your child is the most important thing right now.

5 days later, the OP returned with an update.

"UPDATE: My husband won't speak to me after finding out I'm pregnant."

amethystpeony

Most of the comments on my last post were so helpful. They helped me see things about my husband and marriage that I didn't see before but were so obvious. Some people suggested that his behavior was abusive. It's not. I now know that he's severely mentally ill.

After that post, a few days later he came to me and told me he wanted to end his life. He made sure I knew that he had no plans to actually hurt himself, just that he really wanted to end it.

The next day I reported his behavior to his employer. I really wish I had done it anonymously because I felt that they didn't take me seriously at all. I got the impression that they thought I was a scorned ex trying to enact revenge?

Anyway, I have no idea what came of it, but at least I did my duty in reporting it. Now that my eyes have been opened, I've noticed a lot more erratic behavior coming from him, and it's true that he should not be treating patients in his state of mind.

Some of you suggested that he never truly wanted a baby. This couldn't be further from the truth. The majority of the time, he is such a normal, kind, husband and he would speak so fondly of our future family. I truly believe that that is the real and true him, and that the man spiraling out in front of me is not who my husband really is.

Anyway, not much has changed. He's actually still living with me but sleeping on the couch. Actually, I don't think he's doing much sleeping. I hear him up at all hours of the night. One night he came into bed with me and just held me. But the next morning it was like it had never happened.

He's still adamant about the divorce but somehow thinks we can do it without telling anyone or involving lawyers. He also wants to create a dating profile for me and set me up with someone else so that I "can see that I'd be much better off with someone other than him."

I of course told him no. He will not listen to me when I tell him I want to be with him. He brushes me off and says I'm not thinking clearly. He refuses therapy or medication. He says he doesn't want to feel better. He doesn't care that he's irrational and depressed. He simply doesn't care. He just doesn't want to get better.

I'm still pregnant, and he still wants nothing to do with it. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose this pregnancy due to stress. I'm currently 5w2d. The chances that I will miscarry are still high and I'm dreading the day I find out that I've lost everything, my husband and my baby. I don't know what I would do.

Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:

Oniknight

OP, he really sounds like someone who is experiencing mania or psychosis. While these folks are generally not a danger to others, the fact that he wants to be dead and is erratic in his behavior tells me that it is possible he may attempt to harm himself in a moment of impulsivity.

If his work won’t do anything, you may be able to call in a wellness check. Write down a list of the things you have heard him say and do.

The OP responded here:

amethystpeony

I spoke to the suicide hotline the night he told me he wanted to kill himself. I was told that technically anyone can call in a wellness check, but nothing can really be done unless he's an active threat to himself or others. If someone were to come do a wellness check on him, he knows exactly what to say to get them to back off.

killerkukri

You can be severely mentally ill and still be a bad person. He sounds like he needs to be somewhere secure with professionals to help him work through this before he hurts himself or you.

The_Diamond_Minx

I think he is past the point of being able to make healthy decisions for himself, and needs to be seen by a doctor even if it is against his will.

voodoochild0293

My DH is bipolar, specifically bipolar 2 so he only gets the bad lows. When he’s in one of those episodes, it’s incredibly hard. We’ve almost split several times over the years- the last episode he literally drove out of state.

He did get help after that last one. He’s on three different meds for it, actively working with a therapist, and he has apologized more times than I can count now for his behavior when he’s having an episode. Bipolar is a very hard thing to diagnose. He has been diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder, depression, adhd, etc.

Bipolar is very often passed from parent to child and reading some of your comments it sounds like his dad is the same. He will have to decide he wants to face this. It took my DH a long time to face it properly. I hope for the best for you and the little one on the way.

So, a difficult situation all around. If you could give the OP any advice, what would you say to them?

Sources: Reddit,Reddit
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