Husband says 'hell no' to being in the delivery room for his child's birth. AITA?
"AITA for insisting my husband be with me in the delivery room?"
My husband (30m) and me (27f) are expecting a baby this May and it would be our first. We were talking about the birth the other day and I was explaining how I’m stating to feel a lot more anxious and nervous as the due date approaches.
I then said “… but I feel much better knowing you’d be there with me”. Admittedly, this hasn’t been discussed prior to this conversation and perhaps it was wrong of me to just assume he’d be there but I always pictured he’d be by my side.
He looked at me kinda surprised and said “What? You want me to be there?” And I said “Well, yeah, of course”. He hesitated a lot and then proceeded to explain to me that, basically, he doesn’t want to be there.
He said he thinks he won’t be of any use because he’ll be freaking out with all the screaming and blood and intensity and he would end up being a disadvantage.
He suggested that instead of him I take my mother or a friend but I told him that I didn’t make this baby with my mother or my friend and I don’t want them I want him. He said “not everybody can stomach childbirth” and that “Seeing you in so much pain and agony would just break me”.
Now I obviously don’t want to force him to be there but I also don’t think I can move past this. It’s made me feel even more anxious and nervous. I got very upset and told him I can’t believe he would refuse. We haven’t really spoken much since. Am I overreacting here and being TA?
Here's what people had to say to the OP:
'Not everyone can handle childbirth' and he expects you to without him? NTA you are going to be pushing a human being out of your body.
You are whats important here you deserve love and support during one of the most painful experiences in many people lives. he doesnt have to look if he doesnt want to see blood.
I'm probably going to get downvoted, but NAH. It's reasonable for you to have been expecting him to be there, but you didn't actually check with him before now. He has some legitimate concerns about being there because he feels like he is not equipped to be your best support person.
It's not that he doesn't want to be there to support you, it's that he wants to ensure you have the best support you can get. He's right, birth is intense and bloody, and it's not a comfortable experience for anyone. His heart is in the right place.
You two need to sit down, talk through your respective anxieties, and try to work through it. Maybe he'll feel better if someone else, like your mom, is there with him, so that way if he is incapacitated you won't be alone. You both clearly care about each other, it's just a matter of finding the best way to be there for each other right now.
Expecting/assuming that you won’t be present at your partners labour in 2023 is beyond and AH assumption. He’s putting his emotions 100% ahead of his partners- who actually has 3 scenarios over which she has no choice: 1- vaginal birth 2- major surgery 3- death or some combination of the 3.
I'd argue he's the AH for not being forthcoming with that info prior to impregnating OP. What's gonna happen when the kid busts their chin or throws up? 'Too bad, so sad, I'm squeamish'? You don't (shouldn't) get to opt out of the hard parts of parenthood 'cause they're uncomfortable and expect the other parent to carry that load. OP is right to have concerns and is NTA.
I will go against the flows. YTA! I worked in healthcare, not as a nurse nor as. Dr but still saw quite a bit. Not everyone is equipped to deal with the sight of blood or seeing their partner in pain.
Being that he is not comfortable he is right, he will be of no use and, unlike what some people said, it doesn't mean that he is only thinking of himself. On the contrary. He is worried to be a hindrance to you. This does not mean that your feelings are not valid.
What you need to do is sit down and talk. Hear each other's concerns out and reach a compromise and stick to it. BTW, your the A because you invalidating his feelings and trying to force him into a position that he is not comfortable with.
So your husband just told you he'll be more occupied with himself and his own likes and preferences than with his wife who is trying to push a child out. And from all this, the part I find the most baffling is that you explicitly told him how he'll be of use by just being there to make your nerves calm. NTA
Of course you assumed he'd be there. What an odd thing for him to assume he wouldn't. I am sure he didn't mind all the screaming when the baby was being put in you, I'm sure he can handle the screaming when the baby comes out.
You are a team, him not being there is insane. He has a huge role, emotional support. If he can't handle it, he's not dad or husband material.