It's an epic tale that has everything you need: sexism, mommy-boys, folk magic, and court proceedings. Enjoy!
Sorry if the title isn’t great, I had a hard time coming up with something that would make sense, hopefully it does and it’s not misleading.
Okay to start me (27F) and my husband (28M) have been married for 4 years. His parents (his mother specifically) and I have never had any problems, but we’ve never quite meshed or seen eye to eye. We’ve always got along and been civil.
Our future family has been the talk for years. My husband will be the last of his siblings to have children, all of his siblings have at least one.
It’s been a running joke in the family that if our first happens to be a girl she won’t be accepted because everyone else had a boy for a firstborn. The joke has never sat quite right with me but I’ve laughed it off because I don’t want to start anything and maybe I’m just being sensitive.
Fast forward to a few months ago when we started trying. It took about 3 months for me to get pregnant, we tracked my cycle and had scheduled sex for the best chance. Infertility runs in my family and my hubby and I agreed on a big family so I’ve been worried about starting a family so late in the game.
When I did get pregnant, we were overjoyed. We had all the typical couple conversations that come with having a baby, the excitement, names, nursery themes, gender predictions, etc.
He talked about wanting a son first so he could be the big strong leader for all his younger siblings and carry on the family name (a very big deal to him instilled by his parents). I expressed my desire to have a little girl I could dress up and match with.
It became a playful banter. He’d refer to the baby as son, and I would call the baby our daughter.
About a week before our gender scan, I searched up all the old wives tales and made us a chart we could fill out together to see who would hypothetically win our little bet. It included the ring test, Chinese horoscope, heartbeat, cravings, etc. The results ended up being about 50/50 in the end which made us even more excited to find out for certain at our scan.
The following week we went to our appointment and discovered that our baby was a girl!! We were both extremely excited. Hubby was disappointed to lose but told me he was overjoyed to be raising a daughter by my side.
That night we called our families to share the news. After calling his family, his mother asked to speak to him privately. I went to bed alone as their conversation carried on for well over an hour.
The following morning, I woke up alone. There was a note on my husband's nightstand explaining that someone would be by the house to pick up his belongings later this evening. I immediately tried to call him only to realize he had blocked my number. I then tried his mom.
His mother picked up on the first ring. Before I had the chance to get a word in she started chewing me out calling me a manipulative b*%$h. I asked her what I had done and she told me I’d ruined her son's reputation with my inexcusable behaviors and tendencies. I let her finish her rant before kindly asking her what the f*&k she was taking about.
She told me the divorce papers were already written up and I wouldn’t have the chance to tear apart the family like I had been intending to do all this time. I again, slightly less kindly this time, asked her what the f*#k she was talking about. To which she told me my husband would be leaving me because our child is a girl.
I. Was. Gobsmacked. I explained to her that it takes two to tango and there’s no way to truly decide the gender of the baby, and if her or her son had a problem with the gender, it was his fault as it’s his chromosome that determines that.
But she had proof that I’d “handpicked” to have a girl. Like I said before we used a calendar to determine which days would be best for sex. Well, MIL accused me of forcing him to ‘do it’ with me on the specific day which the Chinese horoscope would point to girl.
She also interrogated me on the sex position we used to conceive the baby - which I gave her a piece of my mind told her that was none of her business. But she smugly informed me my husband had already told her, and the position we used makes it 60% more likely to have a girl that way.
(If anyone's currently trying for a girl specifically doing cowgirl sometime in the middle of February should do the trick every time apparently).
(We cannot and will not confirm this)
She finished off by telling me that my clear preference for my family name was disgusting and she was glad to finally be rid of me and my manipulative ways before hanging up.
I’ve had no contact with my husband since, and it’s been over a month. He’s blocked me on everything. I can’t help but feel that this hasn’t all been his choice, but then again he’s a grown ass adult so I can’t imagine his mother controlling him like that.
I’ve been staying with my sister since it all went down, she says I can stay as long as I need but I’m thinking I want to get my own place, maybe even a few states away. What do I do? Should I pack up and move on? Should I continue trying to contact my husband? Any advice would be appreciated.
Reddit obviously they ruled NTA (not the a-hole) and most of them said 'Get. A. Lawyer. ASAP.'
All of those things people try to do to attempt to conceive a specific gender for the baby are myths. None of them are true. It’s literally impossible for you to have influenced this… the fact that your mother in law is holding this against you is wild. Your husband has literally just abandoned you.. this is DISGUSTING behavior. I’m so sorry OP I hope things turn out better for u at the end of this. Best of luck.
Thank you all for all the love, it means so much to me right now. I’d also like to add that it breaks my heart to think of anyone else having to go something similar my heart goes out to them.
Also, I should have mentioned originally that I had a gut feeling to record the call with my mother in law, so I have all of that on hand if it’s needed in the future. I’m planning to try catching my husband on his way out of work sometime next week. I’d like to hear his side of the story.
I’ve decided, however, that if there is any saving our relationship, I’ll be changing my last name back to my maiden name and our daughter will be taking my last name or at the very least have a hyphenated name. Call me feminist or whatnot but it will be non negotiable.
I’ll also be requiring MANY boundaries between me and his mother and she will not be in my child’s life until she can find it in her to apologize to me sincerely and change her attitude towards us.
A month later, OP gave us this update:
I was able to catch my husband as he was leaving work one night and got his side of the story out of him like I had hoped. As suspected, he admitted that he was excited for a baby girl, and after speaking to his mom, she forced him to leave and block me. His MOTHER already had the divorce papers ready to go.
I tried to tell him that we could fix this. We could raise our daughter together away from his mother. (I know I sound f*&^ed in the head and naïve for this, but I grew up in a household without a father figure and I was hopeful my daughter could have a different home life experience than what I had).
Not to discredit my mother! She’s a badass women and I hope I can be half of the woman she is for my daughter one day.
Anyways, my husband had none of it. He said that he realized how conniving and manipulative and abusive I had been throughout our entire relationship and he did want to actually go through with the divorce. He said he’d have no problem giving me full custody of the ‘thing that’s growing inside of me’.
That’s when I lost all hope. F*%k him. I have no problem leaving a man who’s so easily brainwashed by his mother like that. I’ll raise this baby alone.
But here’s the real icing on the cake - I received a phone call from my soon to be ex-husbands brothers wife (we’ve always been quite close and she’s been my saving grace throughout my pregnancy giving me all the tips for nausea etc.) Anyways, she informed me over the phone that she overheard that MIL and husband are trying to blindside me in court and take full custody.
I was livid, full on seeing red. I called mother in law straight away and demanded to speak to my husband. All he had to say for himself was that he realized he didn’t want any of his offspring to be raised by such a manipulative freak and even though he doesn’t actually want her, he’s sure he can grow to love her again.
I’m not sure what to do at this point. I know I have a good case for myself but I’m f%$#ing terrified they’ll win the battle and take everything from me. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about my daughter growing up somewhere where she isn’t loved. Even if custody is split 50/50 I’ll have no control over the lies they’re guaranteed to feed her.
Adding that my brother in law and his wife are planning on leaving the family dynamic after seeing the way I’ve been treated. They have a daughter of their own and while she’s been accepted as she wasn’t the first born, they’re very uncomfortable with the misogyny within the family. BIL is the first born and I think the what ifs are f*(%ing with his head.
Though people have doubted that this was truly posted by OP's husband... but it sure does seem like it:
What the f*ck is wrong with you? I LOVED you and I LOVED our daughter!!! You paint me out to be such a f*%$ing villain and none of these peabrained people on the internet can see through them lies. MANIPULATION AT ITS FINEST.
You were such a f*@#ing b*%#h our whole go***mned lie of a relationship and when we were trying to get pregnant everything was about you!!!
I can't believe it took me so long to see all the every single sign. You were so f#*&ing obsessive over your stupid calendar and we hardly ever used it!!! You always say you aren't in the mood or we did it yesterday I'm too tired we can skip a day.
It was never about me or my feelings and then when you actually got pregnant it become even more about you. 'I'm not eating eggs anymore they make me sick' 'I don't want to go to Sunday dinner I'm not up to it tonight' 'let's not get sushi for dinner because it's bad for the baby.'
I was so f*^$ing nice to you, I literally DOTED on you like a f*@*ing Prince Charming and you never even recognized me. I can't believe you string me along all those years.
F*#k you and f*&k the fetus. I'm sick of your games. I can't f*^*ing believe I find out about this post on a podcast my girlfriend listens to. You betray me One f*)&ing month until you lose it all like I did. See you in court, b*tch.
Who, several months later, graced us with the best update of all, after the legal battles were all said and done:
First off, I won the court case! It was a long and draining road and I won’t go into a ton of detail (privacy and legal reasons) but it was all thanks to Reddit someone connected me to a great lawyer and everything worked out exactly the way it needed to. I have full custody. He has no rights to her whatsoever.
And second, I gave birth to my sweet baby girl just a few short weeks ago. She is perfect and everything I needed. Babies heal the soul more than you could ever imagine. I couldn’t have done it all without my sister cheering me on through everything. I’m thankful to every single one of you for the endless support. I truly believe this app saved mine and my baby girl’s lives.
Wow, so Reddit can be used for good sometimes...
OP later added:
Her reaction was pathetic, to say the least. Sobbed uncontrollably and called me every insult she could possibly think of as I left. It gave me second-hand embarrassment to say the least. The judge wasn’t taking any of her bulls&*t from the second our case started. Very satisfying to say the least lol