Man refuses to get SIL pregnant; is told 'there would be no passion.' AITA?
"WIBTA for not impregnating my SIL?"
I will keep this as short as possible. I (M35) married my wife (31) five years ago and have lived together for eight years. We had our first child 4 years ago and second child a year ago: both boys. Her sister (33) has been married for 7 years, and in that time had one child: a boy.
After the birth of her child, her husband was in an accident and can no longer produce another child. My SIL and her husband approached my wife to see if I would be interested in donating my sperm in order for my SIL to give birth to one more child.
My wife thought it was a great idea, and made the decision for me to proceed with the process without consulting me. I was against it at first, but I came around to the point where I was willing to speak with the fertility doctor, but I let them know I was not saying yes at this point as the whole idea still seemed weird as my kids would essentially be half siblings to this new child.
Well, after meeting with the doctor, it became very clear this was not an option as my SIL does not work and her husband only makes about 50 grand a year. They could not afford the procedure.
They asked my wife and I to help offset the cost, but that was not an option I was willing to explore as I only make about 85 grand a year, and we recently purchased a new home, are trying keep invest in college funds etc.
It was a hard no from me, and my wife was okay with that, but I think she would have found a way to get them some if not all the money. I told her she could put that decision on me, and she did exactly that.
Well, my SIL was upset, and she called us selfish. It turns out my SIL knew we had quite a bit of money set aside in the kids college fund as before the kids were born my wife was working, and we both put away a lot of money that we eventually turned into college funds for our kids.
We have roughly 45 grand set aside, which I don't think is enough, and we keep adding to it when we can. Anyway, a couple days go bye and things seemed to have calmed down, but my SIL then asked my wife if she could essentially sleep with me in order to get pregnant.
My wife was vehemently opposed to this at first but after her sister explained she wasn't attracted to me and there would be no passion but just a means to an end, my wife thought it might be a good idea. To be clear, my SIL's husband is okay with this plan. My wife I asked me to go ahead with it, but I refused.
I told her they can adopt a kid out of foster care if they want another kid that bad. Now, my SIL is mad at me along with my wife as she believes this would just be a good way to help them have another child. I am standing by my decision, and I have been sleeping in the spare bedroom since my hard no, but I am starting to doubt thinking I might be being unreasonable.
So, AITAH for refusing to impregnate and sleep with my SIL?
Edits from OP:
The money is in a joint account that requires two signatures for a withdrawal, so my wife can't take the money.
My SIL doesn't want to sleep with some random guy as in her mind and her husband's mind that would be cheating, but it is not cheating if it is me since I am quote unquote unattractive. I'm at work and will edit when possible but cannot possibly respond to every comment. I appreciate all the support as I felt strongly I was in the right. I won't feel guilty anymore, even if it was just a little guilty.
Too all the people suggesting divorce, it has never been an option for me as I love my wife, but she seems to be easily manipulated by her sister, which is nothing new. Also, it is very expensive to get divorced and would be traumatic on my young kids. I have to think about my kids well-being.
Maybe I should get snipped, but I haven't yet as my wife wants one more child and is hoping for a daughter.
My wife has always been manipulated by her sister. Their parents were much older when my wife and my SIL were born, and my SIL was supposedly always good at getting her way. When their parents died, I think my SIL was even more domineering. We moved a town over just for some space, but it hasn't helped much.
I was an only child, so I don't quite understand the dynamic. I grew up pretty sheltered, but I had a good childhood and went to a good college where I was able to earn a masters in history.
Too all the people asking if SIL is hot. She is big as she must weigh over 250 pounds. I guess she could still be considered pretty. She is much bigger than me, however, as I weigh 150 wet. I was a cross country kid, and I've been able to stay in shape. My wife was a little over weight when we met, nothing like her sister, but she does enjoy jogging with me when time permits and has slimmed down some.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
bonbooni writes:
Wanna bet they would make you pay child support at the end? NTA. If they're ok with SIL sleeping around, she can just go get pregnant somewhere else.
Octuplicate writes:
NTA. Don't let them force or guilt trip you to do something you are not completely on board and uncomfortable with. This is completely inappropriate the way they are reacting. No means No and that was your final answer. You are also correct, they could find other options that they could maybe afford as well.
stickylarue writes:
If my partner ever made the offer of my reproductive system without consulting me first then I would be changing the locks without consulting them first. Don’t feel guilty. You are not wrong. You are not being unreasonable. You are a person not an object to be offered. Your wife sounds awful.
Your wife is mad at you for not [sleeping with] (possibly multiple times) her sister to get her pregnant. If Jerry Springer was still on I would soooo watch this episode. Think about that.
Your wife owes you the largest apology and groveling that she can give. Your sister in law needs to go elsewhere and her husband, just like you, needs to run away from them all.