When a young mother-to-be reached out to her parents for help, they were happy to do so! ...Until she made some stipulations. After a family fight, the daughter (u/babyindecemberaita) took to Reddit to ask:
I (24f) am currently pregnant, due in december. I live with my fiancé Dan in the town where I grew up. I have a great relationship with my parents, but they had me quite late in life and they're both retired now, living in a beach town in the south.
When they moved out, they sold me the house I grew up in well below market value, in exchange for me hosting them when they needed/wanted to come into town. It's been like that for two years, they've been here a bunch of times for 3-4 days at a time, and it's been a good arrangement I think.
Now, yesterday, I was talking to my mom about the birth and I brought up that I would like her to be in town when I give birth and to stay for a few weeks after. Dan has no relationship with his family and I'm an only child, with only a couple of very elderly aunts and a few cousins I don't have much of a relationship with, so we don't really have much in terms of a support system.
Therefore, I'd love for my parents to come here and help around the house, with the baby, offer me the emotional support I know I'm going to need, etc. My mom was excited that I was asking her to do this and said that she'd be okay with staying with us for a few weeks while we adjusted to the baby.
I then told her that I didn't mean her staying with us, just in town, as I believe Dan and I are going to need and want alone time to adjust to the baby. My mom was a little offended, saying that she wasn't going to bother us and she was going to help out, but I told her it was nothing personal, I just preferred if she got a hotel or AirBnB or something.
My father then intervened, having been somewhere within earshot, and said that accommodation was going to be really expensive around that time of the year (our town has a very famous, very big Christmas market) and he wasn't about to spend thousands of dollars when I was asking them to come AND it had been our agreement when they sold me the house that they could stay whenever they wanted.
Which, like, fair, but I don't think that having a newborn at home is just a regular time in someone's life and it's not like I ever complained about them coming over before. I just don't want them in the house, but I do want them in town, and I feel a little sad that they are putting money above me and their grandson.
My mother hung up the call trying to appease the situation, but then sent me a text saying that her and my dad were a little upset over the whole thing and that they thought I wasn't being reasonable.
When Dan got home, I told him all this and he kind of sided with them, saying that they should be allowed to stay with us. But I still don't think it makes sense, as we are going to be needing our alone time. Was I the as*hole here?
The Reddit folks banded together on this one to rule YTA (you're the as*hole).
You’re N T A (not the as*hole) for wanting privacy with your husband as you adjust to being parents, but YTA for asking your parents to come but stay at a hotel without offering to pay for it.
Sadly you can’t have your cake and eat it, too. Wanting support is understandable, but if you want them near but not at your home you need to pay for it. It’s unreasonable to ask them to foot the bill.
It’s understandable to want privacy and time to adjust, and you are not obligated to have anyone in your own home that you do not want, but I’m astounded by your entitlement.
You want your elderly parents to spend thousands to stay in an AirBnB during holiday season AND provide you with emotional and practical support while you adjust to parenthood? Have you forgotten who’s doing who the favour? YTA.
And sarcastic_mzungu comments:
Agreed. YTA. Above mentioned reasons. But… As someone who has been through childbirth and had my mom to help me out afterward, let me let you in on a secret. You ABSOLUTELY will want them staying at your house unless your parents are super unreasonable people, which it doesn’t sound like they are.
If you feel strongly about having personal time with just you and your partner adjusting to parent roles then schedule that time just after the hospital stay when you are still fresh and call your parents to come help when you are ready for a helping hand and willing to open up your home for such.
If my experience is any indication, the need for a helping hand will outweigh your desire for alone time pretty fast when all you want is someone else to hold the baby for a few so you can go pass out. You are going to need them and you want to make their lives as easy as possible for them to WANT to come help you!
YTA. Either let them stay at your house, or pay for their hotel/B&B/whatever yourself, or don't expect them to visit. They're doing you a favor. A second favor, since they already sold you their house at well below market value in exchange for your letting them stay there when they visit.
I'm not saying you're an as*hole for not wanting houseguests when you have a new baby, just that you can't demand that they visit for an extended period to help you, but insist that they pay their own way.
She also wants them there to help with house work. She‘s asking them to come over and clean the house they’re not allowed to stay in, then leave to go back to the hotel she expects them to pay for. The audacity of some new parents…
Or... something like that.