Mom announces daughter's pregnancy; she says, 'please don't, I've been in the ER.'
"AITAH for telling my mom she shouldn’t have announced my pregnancy because she got 'excited?'"
Realistic-Reality-33
I (26F) am around 8 weeks pregnant with my second child. I have so far told, my parents,my siblings, my husband’s parents (and their respective spouses), my two best friends, my only grandparents and one aunt who found out accidentally. And the only reason I told that many people to begin with is because most of them have already seen me in person and can tell that I’m very sick (nauseous/tired).
At around 6 weeks, I went to ER with bleeding and shoulder pain and the ER staff thought I could be ectopic. Good news is that I wasn’t and the baby was in utero, however, they couldn’t locate a fetal pole or heartbeat with enough confidence to tell me everything was 100% fine. I have my first appointment since then in a week. At this point, I am still uncertain if my baby is okay.
Flash forward to yesterday evening, my mother is at a family gathering in another state and FaceTimes me to show the family my oldest child. As I’m greeting them, one by one, they all start congratulating me on my pregnancy. To be clear, this was around 10 people including great aunts/uncles, my first cousins and their partners, aunts and uncles, etc.
I was taken aback but just gave polite “thank yous” because I didn’t want to embarrass my mother. My husband was also a bit annoyed because I’ve already told more people than he’s comfortable with. He wouldn’t have said anything, though.
This morning, I called my mother and very gently told her that I was a little disappointed that she told the entire family because I had yet to even see my own baby on a scan and still don’t know if they are growing properly, or if the heartbeat started.
Her excuse was, “the baby is fine because you’re so nauseous and have strong symptoms. Plus I haven’t even told my co-workers or my friends yet! Just the family. I just got so excited”.
I told her that her opinion that the baby is fine doesn’t make it her call to announce on my behalf. She was apologetic and remorseful, and again- I was very gentle with my delivery because I know she didn’t really mean harm, but I have a history of a very rocky relationship with both of my parents, so this could have gone either way.
I texted my father asking if he heard the whole phone call, and he said not all of it but my mother is beside herself crying. Now I feel like I’ve done something wrong. She’s now texted me to reiterate that she hasn’t told her co-workers or friends.
But that shouldn’t matter in my opinion. That doesn’t really make me feel any better. I also don’t really have a great trust for the family that she shared with last night, which is why I think I feel upset by it. AITAH?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Kenobi030420
The real issue here is that when she realised she did something wrong, instead of just apologising sincerely, she doubled down by continuing to make it about herself and twisted the situation to be about her and her hurt feelings.
If she cared so much about your opinion she would have kept the news to herself until she had a green light. She's using your pregnancy to fuel her own need for attention and that is absolutely not okay. NTA, of course!
FoggyDaze415
NTA but I would make it clear she will now be the last to know anything and she has to earn trust back.
Laquila
NTA. Your mother crying shouldn't make you feel like you've done something wrong because you didn't. You gently told her off and explained your feelings and needs. Her crying about that is her problem, as her emotions are for her to regulate, not you.
If she's known to be a blabbermouth, keep your personal info private. You are not obligated to share everything in your life with her. If your dad expects you to roll over and be a doormat to your mother if she's crying, that's not cool either. Don't do that. His wife is his responsibility.
HotCompetition999
NTA. I hope everything is okay with your baby. If not, you can explain to your mother why she should be the one to inform everyone she told.
Kampfzwerg0
She messed up. And now she is using her tears. NTA. She made her mistake but you are the one who has to live with the consequences.
nylonvest
INFO: When you told your mom and your other relatives about your pregnancy did you make it clear to them you didn't want them telling people? Did you make it clear you wanted to be the one to tell your family?
The OP responded here:
Realistic-Reality-33
Hi, yes she was aware that it was to be kept a secret. She was present when I told my grandparents and she herself told them, “but it’s a secret so don’t say anything to the family”. That’s why I’m confused as to why she thought it was okay to do herself just a few weeks later.
JudesM
NTA - you have now learned that you cannot tell your mother anything. If you do end up miscarrying- it is your mothers responsibility to tell people.
United_Fig_6519
NTA she should have not tell anyone. I understand completely why you are worried and would not want anyone knowing yet. It is also rude she did not apologize after you explain how she made you feel after she told everyone about the pregnancy.
The OP commented after reading all the responses.
Realistic-Reality-33
I just want to say that while yes, people in my family were aware of the pregnancy, I was more upset that my mother chose to announce it on a podium at a family party that was 1,000 miles away and that I was not in attendance for.
I would have appreciated if my and my husband’s family that were in the know kept it to themselves, but I wasn’t expecting my mother to announce it in such a way. Thanks to everyone who added their verdict.