Woman hides pregnancy from sister grieving miscarriage, secret is exposed at party. AITA?

When it comes to keeping a secret to protect someone's feelings, you're often damned if you do and damned if you don't.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for keeping her pregnancy a secret at her sister's party. She wrote:

"AITA for showing up at my sister's party after her miscarriage despite knowing that I couldn’t drink and people would suspect I was pregnant?"

My name is Kayla and I’m 22f. My sister, Lia whose 25, unexpectedly had a miscarriage a week ago. I felt especially guilty because I recently had found out I was pregnant as well, but had opted to wait to tell anyone. I felt guilty, so I elected to keep quiet about it for as long as I could, as I didn’t want to take any attention away from her grief or cause her any pain.

This became a problem when my family arranged a little get-together at her place to help her feel better, where alcohol was to be involved. The night was going fine, and my sister really seemed to be smiling and enjoying herself. I was staying away from the beer and vodka, kinda shutting down the strange looks from my family/friends, who know I almost never turn down the opportunity to drink.

Most were believing my lies except my sister's friend, Ash, who came up to me and asked “Are you pregnant or something? Why aren’t you drinking?” I laughed and said I had to watch out for my health and, trying to change the subject. My sister saw us talking, however, and came up with a shot in her hand. She basically said that she was really glad I was here and wanted to take a shot with me.

I had a feeling that Ash had told her I wasn’t drinking and had come to confirm her suspicions…I turned her down and said that I was just happy to be in the moment with her. Lia got this teary look on her face and kinda eyed my stomach. She set the drink down and asked me slowly if I was pregnant and trying to hide it.

I froze in the moment, which must’ve basically confirmed what she was suspecting. She burst into tears and asked again, much louder this time which caused most of the people in her apartment to look at us. She told me to either drink the shot or tell her the truth. I wasn’t sure what to do so I opted to just tell her the truth.

I tried to tell her that I didn’t really want to take any attention away from her pain but she wasn’t listening. She started accusing me of coming to her apartment to “boast about my pregnancy” and how I always got what I wanted. She also said that shouldn’t have come to the party knowing that I couldn’t drink and that I obviously knew that people were going to know I was pregnant.

Basically going on about how I was attention seeking. At this point, our dad stepped in to calm her down cause she was belligerent at this point. At that point me and my boyfriend decided it was better for us to just leave. I even got a few quiet “congrats”, which I felt awful about. She’s not really talking to me right now, which I kind of understand but at the same time all I really wanted was to be there for her?

People are more so leaning in her side because she’s going through a hard time right now but I feel like I’m not being listened to. My mom told me that she understands but that it was wrong of me to come knowing I was pregnant.

People weighed in quickly.

AnalFistingWalrus wrote:

Hardest NTA I can possibly give.

If you opted to not go on the basis of “I normally drink people might find out” I would have leaned the opposite. Your sister had a horrible thing happened, you should have been there to support, regardless whether you were pregnant or not, and you knew that. Ash was very obviously wanting to stir drama, and your sister knew before she asked, we all know that. She only pushed it to publicly “shame” you.

I can’t imagine the horror of a miscarriage, but like every suffering, it’s not an excuse to act like an AH, which your sister did. It was a lose lose situation, you did absolutely the best you could. I wouldn’t take them siding with her to heart, in all reality, you’d “side” with her too, she’s hurting, people want to do whatever they can to support her.

Congrats on the pregnancy, but you have to remember, your pregnancy isn’t hers, it’s not related, never has been, never will be, and you can’t let it, because it creates so much bitterness around a baby that doesn’t deserve it.

You get to take an incredible journey, this silly thing isn’t worth missing out on the joy. Also, try your absolute best to cast it aside, stress makes pregnancies so much harder on you and the baby. You don’t need that. If it’s what it takes, go to therapy or something, whatever you need to destress.

RaziellaLee wrote:

NTA. People really need to normalize not wanting to drink alcohol, and accepting when people turn it down.

amiuptonogood wrote:

NTA. But I have to ask why is your family so hellbent on investigating why someone isn't drinking?

MiskatonicUAlum wrote:

NTA. Though I’d consider the quality of the company I’m keeping if not drinking is a point of contention. That’s not healthy whatsoever. I come from a family who tips the bottle with a heavy hand and no one is busy monitoring what anyone else is drinking, let alone even taking notice if they’re drinking.

EpiphanaeaSedai wrote:

NTA, you just wanted to support her. You weren’t trying for attention. If you’d ditched the party that would have upset her too. The bottom line is that she’s grieving, everything to do with pregnancy and babies and life going on hurts her right now, and only time will make that better.

If you’re ever in that situation again, though, your excuse is Tylenol. You can’t combine it with alcohol, you can send yourself into liver failure and die. So you say had a bad headache, you took like twice the dose on the bottle so you could be there, but the booze is a no go for the night.

OP is definitely NTA here, this is just tough timing all around.