Woman says she will disown SIL if she gets pregnant; 'you're too lazy.' UPDATED
'AITA for telling my SIL I will disown her if she gets pregnant?'
Throwaway, some details changed, mobile so formatting, etc.
I (33f) live with my brother (32m) and his new wife (34f). Things have been fine to a point, and I definitely appreciate them taking me in during my time of need. That is not lost on me, I recognize they did not have to help me and I am incredibly thankful that they have done that. But my SIL has baby fever and she is talking about trying to get pregnant.
First of all, I know my brother had the snip after his divorce from his first wife. He would have to have the procedure reversed and his insurance will not cover it, and to be frank they cannot afford that.
Part of why they allowed me to move in is because they are in financial trouble and I am contributing quite a lot of money to bills right now. I cover probably 2/3 of all the bills because my SIL doesn't work and my brother pays an ungodly amount of child support to his ex wife. The financial issues can go ahead and be another point in the situation.
My SIL also can barely take care of herself. She sleeps most of the day. She does not clean, she does not cook, she doesn't take care of the child she already has... her daughter is 6 yrs old and she doesn't even interact with her unless she HAS to. That is a totally separate issue... I have become a live-in maid and nanny on top of working 45 or more hrs a week.
My SIL lost custody of her other child about 2 yrs ago. He is 11 and living with family. I do not know why she even lost custody but he SAYS he was abused. She did not fight to get him back.
2 days ago my brother told me he has an appointment to meet with his Doc to discuss the vasectomy reversal so he and SIL can try for a baby... I told them they were out of their minds.
It got explosive and I finally asked WHO was going to take care of a baby when my brother works full time, I work full time and she constantly makes excuses to not even do basic sh*t around the house like take the dog outside.
She really had the nerve to tell me 'I thought you could handle them when you get off work before (brother) gets home so the load is evenly distributed.'
I blew up! I told her I am not going to be a parent to ANOTHER one of her kids and that if they really do this then I am totally done and they are on their own. I told my brother I would always love him and help him if he needs me but that I would never talk to SIL and make sure the rest of the family disowns her too.
I think I was probably TA for saying that the way I did. She started crying and locked herself in the bedroom.
My brother is threatening to kick me out and again I might be TA for this... I told him he can't afford to kick me out and he can't afford a replacement maid/nanny like I have been. I told our mom about what happened and she not only thinks I'm NTA but is now mad at my brother.
Our dad however said I am TA because it isn't my place to say anything about my brother's decisions. So Reddit... AITA?
The OP then quickly provided more details to prepare for reader judgment.
I had to omit some things before publishing this post on account of the character limit. I do not know how that works with edits but I figure I'll find out in a moment here.
1. I moved in over a year ago when I was down on my luck and unemployed. The conditions for me moving in was that I help around the house until I was back on my feet. Their financial situation changed, though, and they asked me to stay which is why I have been living with them this long.
What I did NOT expect was to get almost 100% of the workload in the home in addition to working longer hours than my brother. We have had multiple conversations about how I felt it was unfair that I do so much and my SIL said they helped me, so I am obligated to help now. Had I known this would be thrown in my face I would have rather been homeless...
2. I chose to be childfree but I love my step-niece and leaving at this point would hurt her the most. CPS has been called many times not even by myself but their friends and my brother's ex-wife because they feel my niece is being neglected.
My ex-SIL specifically said emotional abuse and neglect, and that she had witnessed forms of humiliation in the past as punishment. My niece is definitely troubled. She has a therapist. I am really limited on what I can do when the people who are supposed to help just won't.
3. I am still reading comments but I will reply as I can.
Here were the top comments from readers:
I was fully prepared going into this to say you were TA but after reading it, NTA. Your dads right, it shouldn’t be your business, but they made it that way because they’re including you in their child care plans. If she wants another child so bad, why not work at getting the child she already has and lost custody of back.
NTA but you are witnessing a 6 year old be neglected, you need to be calling CPS.
You need to get out of this living situation and detangle yourself from them. Before your brother can 'kick you out,' find yourself a tiny apartment so you can watch the inevitable disasters from a safe distance.
NTA, but get out now: you're already paying and working far too much for this household, and you're enabling a lazy parent. Without you, their dumb marriage will hopefully implode before he gets his vasectomy reversed.
NTA. Move out and stop subsidizing them. SIL can get a job. In the meantime, pay 1/3 of the bills and stop babysitting.
Normally it's their business, and it has nothing to do with you.
However: you pay 2/3 of the bills. SIL is a SAHM, without doing the household chores nor taking care of the one kid she still has living with you. She lost custody of a child, and she can't be bothered to walk the dog, a living creature which depends on its owners.
It would be foolish to willingly add another kid into this equation as long as SIL can't act responsible and they both haven't got their financial situation in order and won't have to rely on you anymore..NTA
The OP again updated in the comments:
I have decided I am going to move. I have a co-worker who is moving at the end of July and the landlord there is looking for a new tenant, I make more than enough right now so she is putting me in contact with him. It is a small studio apartment but it's a very short commute.
I don't know how to tell my brother I'm leaving because even though I am really mad still, he is my family and I know moving will put him in a rough spot. I'm also worried about my step-niece so I am figuring out what I can do about that... people have recommended talking to a mandated reporter and recording any abuse or neglect so I think that is what I will do.
To the people asking what my brother sees in her... truthfully I'm not sure. I suspect his pride is in the way, due to him jumping into a new marriage right after his divorce and he doesn't want to admit it did not go as planned.
Someone else said it might be a band-aid baby and that sounds accurate enough. My brother swears he is happy but I've never seen him this miserable. He is always upset about the financial situation, and if anything SIL makes it so much worse because she is always buying stuff, she has him very far in debt and they eat fast food almost all the time because they don't like to cook.
As to what SIL does all day when I say nothing I really mean nothing. She has no hobbies she just sits on her phone all day. She is definitely mentally ill but she lies about a lot so I don't know what's true and what isn't.