'My YT SIL accused me of being racist for speaking French, then refused to be my bridesmaid.' UPDATED

I spoke French during my bridal party dance rehearsal and then my white SIL called me racist.

throwrae8184 wrote:

So, my wedding will be an intercultural wedding that incorporates a lot more of my culture than my fiancé's. I am African (actually African)-American, while my husband is just a white American.

My wedding is this upcoming winter, and my bridesmaids and I have started practicing the wedding dance. Here is a video to give you an idea of something we are doing:

We are having 7 bridesmaids, and 1 of the bridesmaids is my fiancé's sister. Everything was going totally fine until we started practicing the dance. I have changed the dance 3 TIMES because she kept complaining about certain moves, and 2 sessions ago, she requested that I make it even simpler, and this time I denied to do so.

Then we had last week's session. The other 6 members of my wedding party tried their best, but she was complaining the whole time. She wasn’t even trying; she'd just automatically say that she couldn’t do a certain move.

One of my bridesmaids called her out for complaining, and after that, she was quiet. Right after, she texted me this long paragraph that she can’t be a bridesmaid. I simply replied “okay”. A week goes by, and I wake up to this message.

"Hi [Redacted]. Yes, I did tell [Redacted] I felt betrayed. I’m not saying that I don’t like the dance. I think the dance is beautiful. But it’s obvious I can’t do it. [Redacted] said so herself.”

“Everyone got the dance like this. I cannot dance; I quite literally suck. And I don’t understand half of what’s going on during the session. And honestly, it felt like I was constantly being belittled because I am white. You guys are sneaking French half the time knowing that I can’t follow, which makes it seem like you’re talking about me."

She also said she didn’t appreciate the fact that I simply said “okay”. At this point, I’ve moved from annoyed to pissed. She is expecting me to fight for her to be a part of my wedding, and I honestly feel that she is trying to create an issue out of nothing because she feels uncomfortable.

I get being uncomfortable, but her trying to pin it on race is outlandish. I wouldn’t be marrying her brother if that was the case. Where do I even begin to respond to this?

OP provided an update:

Before I get into it, I just want to say that I’m now married! I absolutely loved my wedding, from the beginning to the end. I don’t think it could’ve gone any better. And the dance (lol the whole reason that I made a post) went very well.

My bridesmaids killed it, but the groomsmen? I’m still speechless because I didn’t know they were going to bring it that hard. In the end, things were fun and lively. It was the best day of my life so far.

I met up with my SIL very shortly after I posted everything, and we talked about how she felt. She told me how I made her feel, I apologized for that, but I did have to tell her many things about how she acted that she might’ve been oblivious to.

As I mentioned, she had a problem with us speaking French due to her thinking we were talking about her, but what about my friend who doesn’t speak English? And she knew that she couldn’t understand English that well, yet she still didn’t want us speaking French? She expected me to cater mainly to her and kept complaining when things didn’t go her way.

And then she accuses me of being racist (and I did say all of this to her, so I’m not just talking sh%t). The thing is, she was the minority, and she felt uncomfortable. Saying it how it is. TRUST ME, I’ve been there lmao. We talked through it.

She rejoined for about a week after that without her doing the dance, but then we both came to a conclusion that her being a bridesmaid wasn’t gonna work out, and she was a guest. So I had 6 bridesmaids and 7 groomsmen.

I’m not gonna lie, there’s still that underlying tension, but hopefully, it will pass over time. But I’m kind of glad that it gave me a chance to speak up about her behavior during parts of my wedding planning because there were some things that were absolutely not okay.

The most important thing is that I put everything out on the table I needed to, and I’m sure she did the same. I’m happy, newly married, and doing very well in life.

Here are some of the top comments:

Two_black_hounds says:

Yes, SIL could have handled this with a little more tact. What I’m hearing is she’s not comfortable doing this dance. I really think she could have just said that and tried to bow out gracefully.

Neither_March4000 says:

I must admit to wondering why it got to this point, I'd have thought just offering her to skip the dance and be a 'cheerleader' for the dance party would have been an equitable compromise. That option seems to be something both of you have missed.

I think it would be easy for to hold out an olive branch and say ' I get this isn't working for you and it's making you uncomfortable, so it's no issue for you to sit it out, if you're Ok with that?'

Scrabblement says:

There doesn't seem to be a lot of communication going on here. After the first couple of times that she asked for the dance to be changed, I think you and your fiance needed to sit down to talk with her.

That was the time to say "Look, the wedding tradition in my culture is to do a dance that takes time and effort to learn. We're happy to keep helping you learn the dance, or you can sit it out if you don't feel comfortable doing it.

But it's supposed to be a fun thing, and it's not fun for anyone when you're obviously unhappy." I think if you'd had that talk earlier, you wouldn't have gotten so frustrated with her that when she dropped out of the wedding, you just said "okay."

ayaangwaamizi says:

I get where you’re coming from. I think if this is important to you, and I can see she initially tried to make an effort, it’s okay to admit she can’t do it and then try to find a compromise. I also wouldn’t appreciate the insinuation that you’re talking about her just because you’re speaking in your language together.

I also think she’s centering herself and her comfort level a lot and you can be mindful to a degree, which it sounds like you have done by trying to accommodate some changes to simplify it, but it’s completely ridiculous to make you fight for her stay in it when she’s being actively negative and bringing the energy down for your wedding.

She coming at you exasperated and defeated and expecting you to pick up her feelings - that shouldn’t be on you right now. She owns she can’t dance, that’s good! I’m the same way, I would be like I’ll give it a try but most likely I’ll need a different role. She needs to honour her limits and you can find a different activity for her to take the lead on. It’s not the end of the world.

What do you think? Was there a better way for OP to navigate this situation?