'AITA for bailing on my anniversary with my BF last minute for a friend’s emergency?' UPDATED 2X

In general, being in a position to choose between a friend and a partner can be stressful, but there are times when the choice is beyond obvious.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for bailing on her boyfriend's anniversary plans last minute. She wrote:

"AITA for bailing on anniversary plans with my boyfriend last minute for a friend’s emergency?"

My BF (21M) and I (20F) had fancy dinner plans and tickets to the movies to celebrate our one year anniversary. We were both super excited about it and had planned it a while ago. However, about an hour before our reservation I got a message from my close friend.

He texted me saying he was having a family emergency and he really needed some support/someone to talk to right now and asked me to come over. I’ve been friends with this person for years and I’ve always been there to support him and cheer him up as he has some family/home issues.

So I called my BF who was driving back from work to tell him we’d have to cancel because I had to go be there for a friend and he got mad even though I told him it’s out of my hands. I then hung up because I didn’t want him to carry on driving and being on a call especially if he’s angry and said I’ll speak to him later.

Cut to me coming home a few hours later and he was pissed, we then got into an argument and he said that I prioritized another guy over him and that my friend is a grown man who could have waited until the next morning to have me come over.

He also got more mad when I couldn’t tell him what the emergency was that “ruined what was meant to be a special day” even though that’s my friend’s personal information and is not my business to share. I felt that was very insensitive of him to not understand why I had to go and be there for a good friend of mine and yeah we lost a bit of money for tickets but we can just reschedule.

But I can see why’s he frustrated as it’s our first anniversary and he had planned it a while ago. Plus I got angry at him for being insensitive which only heated the argument and made it worse. It’s been a few days since the fight and he’s still being frosty to me waiting for me to apologize and now I’m thinking about it I’m not sure if I handled it right. AITA?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

IamIrene wrote:

Can you see how this must look to your boyfriend? You ditched him, on your 1 year anniversary, to go to the emotional rescue of another man. That doesn't look good. I'm sure it felt awful. Then you accuse him of not being sensitive and understanding when you are doing the same thing to him. YTA.

OP wrote:

It’s not that my friend is more important to me, in that moment my friend was my priority because he was in a bad state, he’s had a lot of problems in the past. It wasn’t going to badly harm my bf to not go on our anniversary dinner but I could have handled his disappointment better yeah.

Know_how_to_b_stupid wrote:

YTA. That wasn’t an emergency (hospital). Your BF is ?% on the right. Your “friend” could have waited the next morning. You should apologies. And pay for the tickets for the rescheduled. Question though: did your friend knew it was your anniversary? Because if he did, I would bet he called you to sabotage your evening.

YomiKuzuki wrote:

"However, about an hour before our reservation I got a message from my close friend, he texted me saying he was having a family emergency and he really needed some support/someone to talk to right now and asked me to come over."

An argument with your father is not a family emergency.

"So I called my bf who was driving back from work to tell him we’d have to cancel because I had to go be there for a friend and he got mad even though I told him it’s out of my hands."

So an hour before you were set to go, while he was driving home after work, looking forward to his anniversary dinner, you called him to let him know that "hey, I have to cancel plans to go be there for a friend". It was absolutely in your hands.

"I then hung up because I didn’t want him to carry on driving and being on a call especially if he’s angry and said I’ll speak to him later." Smooth.

"Cut to me coming home a few hours later and he was pissed, we then got into an argument and he said that I prioritised another guy over him and that my friend is a grown man who could have waited until the next morning to have me come over."

He's not wrong.

"He also got more mad when I couldn’t tell him what the emergency was that “ruined what was meant to be a special day” even though that’s my friend’s personal information and is not my business to share."

Yes, because it looks like you made up a reason to call off your plans, hung up on him, I assume ignored his calls and texts, and then came home refusing to tell him what circumstances required you to cancel an anniversary dinner made potentially weeks in advance.

"I felt that was very insensitive of him to not understand why I had to go and be there for a good friend of mine."

How could he be understanding if he doesn't know why you needed to be there for your friend? Btw, he absolutely will not be understanding if/when he learns you cancelled because your friend had an argument with his father.

"and yeah we lost a bit of money for tickets but we can just reschedule."

Can you reschedule, or will you outright have to rebook the tickets? How much money was lost? Who paid for the tickets and who'll be paying for more? How can he trust you to not cancel again?

"It’s been a few days since the fight and he’s still being frosty to me waiting for me to apologise and now I’m thinking about it I’m not sure if I handled it right."

You absolutely did not. You invalidated his feelings and waived off the issue. YTA.

OP jumped on in a comment to clarify what the friend's "emergency" was.

My friend had a big argument with his dad and without going into lots of detail my friend struggles with alc*hol problems so I went over to help smooth things over and give him someone to talk to and distract him as he was very upset. When my friend asks for emergency support I don’t ask questions I go. How could I have enjoyed my night knowing he was struggling anyway?

A week later, OP posted an update.

After reading everyone’s comments I realized I was in the wrong and I didn’t prioritize correctly. I came off pretty defensive at first but after thinking about what people said I shouldn’t have been. I apologized to my bf and told him nothing like this would ever happen again.

He’s still pretty mad but after a serious conversation about setting boundaries between me and this friend he’s willing to move past it. He did say if it happens again or I cross any boundaries with this friend then he’s gone so it obviously did affect him more than I thought. I’m willing to respect this and try to consider my bf’s feelings more while still being there for my friend.

We have rebooked our tickets and dinner for next weekend and hopefully it can still be special. What I will say is the emergency message I got from my friend at the time didn’t have much detail so I didn’t know how serious it was. Obviously when I got to his place, he was very upset but it wasn’t life and death and in hindsight it could have waited until the next morning.

I'm not trying to make any excuses, I just thought some comments were a little harsh. I care for my boyfriend very much and I’m happy we’ve got this resolved. The comments about my friend’s alc*holism made me realized that I needed to give him the resources to help himself which I will do if he’s open to it.

I've never had someone I care about deal with alc*hol issues and was a bit naive to think I could help him without professionals. I spoke to my friend on the phone this morning and even though he was very defensive, he agreed to meet with me to talk about the next steps for him in getting help. His dad is threatening to kick him out of the house so I think that was a bit of a wake up call for him.

Also, I don’t believe my friend had any malicious intent when he asked for my help and won’t be cutting him off like some of you suggested. I think healthy boundaries to prevent any misunderstandings will do! That’s the update for some of you who were asking for one.

After the update, the comments kept rolling in.

BulbasaurRanch wrote:

Lol I love how you still refer to it as an “emergency” when it very evidently was not an an emergency.

North_Tumbleweed_472 wrote:

More like some guy just wanted her attention, and OP just...ditched her boyfriend for him.

FARTSINAJAR69420 wrote:

"I care for my boyfriend very much and I’m happy we’ve got this resolved."

It's not resolved though?

"He’s still pretty mad but after a serious conversation about setting boundaries between me and this friend he’s willing to move past it. He did say if it happens again or I cross any boundaries with this friend then he’s gone so it obviously did affect him more than I thought."

Those are not words of resolution, you are on such thin ice and you don't even have a clue.

"Also, I don’t believe my friend had any malicious intent when he asked for my help"

Yeah, and you thought your original post wasn't that big of a deal either...

"won’t be cutting him off like some of you suggested."

Be prepared to be cut off then, this "friend" is nothing but problems.

OP wrote:

He said he was drunk and upset and he wasn’t thinking straight, I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt. I told my bf that my friend struggles with alc*hol issues and I rushed over because I didn’t know what state he was going to be in. I didn’t go into much detail as I still believe that’s not his business but I did tell him.

I’m going to meet my friend tomorrow to talk about resources I found for him and to see what’s happening about him being kicked out. My bf asked to come along with me so anything he has to say to my bf he can say in front of me. I just hope they are going to put this behind them and get along.

PunchACamel wrote:

The wording of this post I can tell you still think you are justified in your actions. This friend knew this was your anniversary night and f**ked it up….an argument with his dad? Give me a break. Every single man has had that 100x over with their father. You don’t respect your BF the way you think you do and now he knows it.

He will never forget about this and will look for anyway to get out where you break the boundaries bc he is likely afraid of letting go of the relationship with the amount of time in it. Alcoholics always drag down the people close to them and you are that person in this instance.

OP wrote:

He didn’t ruin it intentionally, we’ve been friends for years I’m not just going to drop him over this. I think with the right boundaries we can work through this.

A week later, OP shared another update.

I wasn’t going to update again but people were asking for one and everything kinda went to s**t. Me and my BF went over to my friend’s house to have the talk about getting professional help and they kept throwing little digs at each other throughout.

It ended up escalating to a full blown argument between them and I’m not going to lie they were getting into each other’s faces and I didn’t really know what to do. I ended up dragging my BF to leave and we went back home where we had a pretty big fight.

During the argument my BF had snatched my phone and saw texts my friend was sending me apologising about arguing with my BF and asking if I was okay. My BF kinda just snapped and said you either never speak to him again or we are done. I stated that’s so unfair when literally the day before we were moving on from this and I want to just come to a compromise.

He said he was really hurt that "I’m not taking the relationship as seriously as he is.” To skip a LOT of back and forth we couldn’t agree and decided to break up. I didn’t actually think we’d break up over this so I was kinda shocked but if he wants to throw our relationship away because of this then fine.

I obviously feel pretty down about it, before this we never really had any problems and now it’s over because of some sh$%ty decisions that I apologised for. But then I would feel so guilty if I dropped my friend who’s struggling when he’s always been there for me especially during a tough time in my teens. My BF clearly didn’t believe in me when I said I would never prioritise anyone over him again.

I think what some of you guys said was right the damage was already done and I didn’t want to accept it. I tried to speak to my BF the next couple of days but he didn’t want to hear anything I had to say which made for a very uncomfortable few days living together. I’m going to stay with a friend in two days as she was looking for a roommate anyway.

A part of me wants to try and reconcile with my (ex) BF but then a part of me knows I should just let it go because I’m not going to be happy going nc with my friend and he’s not happy with the friendship. Even if I wanted to go nc with this friend it wouldn’t have worked as he’s in my friendship circle, he would be at all our get-togethers and try to talk to me anyway.

A part of me is confused about my friend now, he provoked my BF when he knew we were up on rocky grounds. I hate that I’m having to question a friendship that I’ve had for years but I did say I would give him the benefit of the doubt this time and maybe I’ll end up regretting that we’ll see. However, he’s now starting AA meetings which I’m proud of him for and I’m hoping he sticks with it.

He’s really apologetic about the role he played in our break up and says he’s really going to get his s**t together and be a better friend to me. Anyway I think I’m just going to take some time to myself, process everything, be single for a bit because it’s actually too much stress.

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the update.

GlassAd48 wrote:

Hey, here’s an idea so you can get a better understanding; why don’t you ask the others in the friend group? I’m willing to bet that they’ve seen all the BS your supposed friend had been pulling. Be sure to ask them for full honesty, and be prepared to be ridiculed by them. And seriously, quit trying to put any blame on your ex; cause he told you what would happen not if, but when you crossed the line.

You threw away the relationship; he chose to drop someone, you, who doesn’t care about him. Multiple people, including myself, told you in your first post that you consistently prioritized the alc*holic over your now ex-bf. I can also guaran-damn-tee that your “friend” has been bragging to others that you’ll always choose him.

If you really want a life with less drama: seek professional mental help, go NC with friend, and grey rock him in social settings. You’ll see quick that everyone, except you, was right about him and his manipulations.

OP responded:

I’ve told two of my friends about the situation and got two very different opinions. It’s tricky though because all my friends are his friends so I have to be careful what I say so it doesn’t go around the friendship group and cause more drama.

My brother is coming to see me tomo though and I don’t really discuss my dating life with him but I’m going to tell him everything. There’s no one in this world I trust more to give me a honest opinion than my brother.

Radiant_Mulberry_935 wrote:

Have you spoken with your brother yet? Curious what he makes of the situation.

OP responded:

Yeah my brother tore into me, he thinks i was way too trusting of my friend. He said just because he was a good friend doesn’t mean he still is and I should no longer to speak to him because this was intentional. He lectured me for ages to be honest but that was the gist of it. He understood why I wanted to defend my friend but said I f**ked up, badly.

So yeah. He was also disappointed in me for ruining a good relationship (he liked my ex a lot) for a “clingy AH” so yeah he didn’t hold back. Now he said I should be careful about how my friend is going to respond to this especially if he’s still a bit unstable.

Fit-Humor-5022 wrote:

Please give details about what your brother said about your friend? You're being vague.

OP responded:

What kind of details? My brother and I spoke about this for like an hour I couldn’t possibly write that all out so I just summed up his opinion on the situation.

Fit-Humor-5022 wrote:

Did you show him the posts? Did you tell him about the "jokes" your friend told your ex to start a fight?

OP responded:

I showed him the posts and I told him about the jokes. He was honestly a little speechless when I told him but yeah he said it was too fresh to be making those jokes. That he was trying to get my ex mad on purpose and that me not choosing a side (which is choosing a side) is a relationship killer. That’s why he said the friend has go to go because he knows what he’s doing and im not holding my own.

Agreeable_Singer8743 wrote:

Ok, so first off, I know how hard it can be to see the bad in a friend. You don’t want to believe someone you’ve know that long could do something like that. That is fair. It’s an easy mistake to make, and I think a lot of people forget that. That having been said, please for the love of god get away from this d-bag post haste.

He is either just manipulative and didn’t like your ex-boyfriend (on the least crazy side) or he has decided you are his, and will keep doing whatever he has to to prove that to you (on the you’re possibly f#$ked side). If it’s the former, you could just walk let it go if you really want to (don’t do that).

It it’s the latter, then you need to get away from him, because his behavior will escalate, if he is just a little crazy, he will start stalking you on line, if he is as full blown crazy as he may be? Then you are honestly in danger no matter what you do. Just imagine if he is as obsessed with you are a lot of the people here think, and he goes on a bender on day.

He already thinks you belong to him, so why shouldn’t he just take what he wants, and prove to you that you are his? Yes, I’m trying to scare you, because this has the potential to get very bad very fast. You need to get away from him, and possibly publicly out him for ruining your relationship on purpose.

You need to at least accept he doesn’t have your best interests at heart, and make it clear to the world, that you want nothing to do with him, and make sure plenty of witnesses know you went NC with him. Good luck and stay safe.

OP responded:

Yeah I just really really wanted to believe in my friend but obviously it’s looking like I was wrong. I no longer want to speak to my friend. How do you suggest I tell him that? I’ve just been ignoring his calls the last two days. Like should I just go speak to him about everything and bring someone with me?

You’ve succeeded in scaring me a little and I no longer know how he’s going to react. But I’ve also got to try and keep things as pleasant/civil as possible because we have the same friend group and I’m still going to see him often?

No_Confidence5235 wrote:

I think you should have your brother with you for a while. Your friend may threaten to hurt himself or make other threats. And you should not go see him alone. You shouldn't see him at all. But your brother or someone else should be with you if he tries to confront you in person.

OP responded:

I wish my brother was staying but he’s only visiting me for a few days, then he’s going back home (a few hours away) I’m definitely not going to speak to him alone, I just hope he doesn’t come to where I’m staying to talk to me, I don’t want to argue with him.

Little_Feet1999 wrote:

I’m very confused as to why you felt the need to take your boyfriend over to your friend’s place. Those digs were BOUND to happen! You took your ex into that situation, after hurting him, and expected it to be hunky dory?! Girl, what? You needed to go alone and speak to your friend to discuss those boundaries.

You damaged the relationship severely and your friend knocked that last nail into the coffin! Accept it, he’s a saboteur and unless you address that now he will hijack every relationship you have. You don’t need to be single. You need to grow up.

OP responded:

I wanted to go alone and have that conversation, I was meant to but my ex insisted on coming and it would have been a bit suspicious if I said he couldn’t after what has just happened.

Well, this certainly escalated in the ways many commenters predicted.