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'I called my husband's ex-nanny names and he got so angry he hit me. AITA?' MAJOR UPDATE

'I called my husband's ex-nanny names and he got so angry he hit me. AITA?' MAJOR UPDATE


There are some situations where you're dealing with such a manipulator, you need the clear eyes of other people in order to see what's happening.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was overreacting to a fight with her husband.

"AITA for abusing my husband's ex-nanny and that's why he hit me?"

I (31F) have been with my husband Daniel (34M) for 12 years, married for 6. We have a 4-year old son. For the most part, he is a wonderful, loving man, but we've had problems in our relationship only due to his ex-nanny. Martha (45F) used to baby-sit Daniel when she was 19-21, since his parents were both very busy lawyers.

She was fired after she took Daniel out on a night walk and they got mugged, my husband was also pretty badly injured. Even after that, he kept in touch with Martha, and still calls her 'Ma'. He is very protective of her, and even when we were friends, dating, and engaged, everyone told me to be on the good side of his ex-nanny, as she means a lot to him, so much so that he's still financially supporting her.

Martha has a daughter Stella (27F) with an unknown man that she wanted to set up with Daniel, and still does. Even when we first met, she'd make subtle comparisons between the both of us, like how Stella has such 'pale beautiful skin' and how I should get rid of my beach tan. How she knows that a true lady is for rearing her man's children, and not trying to compete with him by entering the work-force.

You can tell I am not the biggest fan of Martha, even though I tried to like her or get her to like me, but her remark the first time we met made me instantly dislike her, she told me to stop smiling, that there was nothing funny about the situation, and to stop living in a delusion that my smile is pretty. Daniel said nothing at that.

A week ago, Daniel and I got into a huge fight since he bought Martha and Stella another apartment and had them over while I was at work. I won't lie, I called his ex-nanny a 'wh*re' who doesn't even know the father of her child and has birthed and raised another wh*re. At this, my calm husband instantly slapped me so hard, that I was thrown to the floor.

While I was still in shock, he began crying and hugging me, and apologizing repeatedly. He didn't leave me the whole night, so I packed my bags and left for my parents' home with our son the next morning. He has been calling and coming over my house repeatedly, apologizing and asking for another chance.

I don't know what to do, my mum tells me I should talk to him since he seems pretty hurt (she doesn't know about the slap). Before this, he has never hit me and rarely ever raised his voice at me. Am I over-reacting? Did I cross a line by his insulting his mother figure? I don't want my son to grow up in a broken home due to an emotional decision.

Redditors had a lot of comments and questions in response.

litt3lli0n wrote:

Did you question him about that? If so, what did he say as his reason for not sticking up for you? This whole situation is kind of strange though. Why is he financially supporting these people? And why are you ok with it?

OP responded:

Daniel is very protective of his ex-nanny, he rarely ever disagrees with her since he says she 'raised him'. My husband is a lawyer and earns well enough, we had an agreement that we would contribute a certain portion of our salaries into our joint needs, and the rest we can have to ourselves to do whatever we want. That's his 'whatever he wants' money that he is using to financially support Martha and Stella.

CriticalSimple3122 wrote:

Don’t go back to him. He not only hit you, but he hit you so hard you fell over. And that’s the start. Don’t teach your son that this is ok. He bought another woman an apartment and didn’t tell you about it. Don’t teach your son that this is okay. You deserve better all round.

Johnny-Fakehnameh wrote:

I hate to say this, but you're the other woman in his life. He is buying her apartments??? WHAT THE LITERAL F#$K!!! And physical ab*se should be a trip straight to the divorce attorney.

"I don't want my son to grow up in a broken home due to an emotional decision." So you would rather subject him to a dysfunctional abusive relationship? Man, your son is f$%ked! I feel for him. Both of you are setting terrible examples: Him being a dysfunctional a$$hole, and you for not showing your child how to stand up to something so wrong.

ChickenLupe wrote:

I’m not one that’s big on ultimatums, but given the circumstance I would say to him it’s either her or me and your son. And if you choose me, I would expect individual therapy to get over his obsession with his nanny, couples therapy to try and move forward from this and that if he ever raised his hand to you again, it would be over.

Matter-of-fact since he’s a lawyer, I would have him re-draft a prenup, that if he ever raises his hand to you again, you get everything including an uncontested, divorce and custody.

Bonnm42 wrote:

This man is a walking, talking, waving 🚩. Unhealthy co-dependent relationship with his ex nanny🚩.Who has an adult daughter who she has repeatedly tried to set him up with🚩. I wouldn’t be surprised if it turns out your husband is the baby daddy. You are his Wife and Mother of his child and he let this woman disrespect you🚩

He HIT you in defense of this woman!!🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Take pictures of any bruise or damage he caused with the hit. GO TO THE POLICE. File a report. This well help you get full custody. Keep this man away from your child. You never thought he would hit you, he could hurt your child.

One day later, OP shared an update.

I am a mess right now, so forgive any errors. My marriage is coming to an end. I told my parents that he hit me, and they were furious, they demanded that I immediately divorce him, and I am gonna do just that. Today afternoon, I agreed to meet him, in my parents' yard.

He was still not getting it, he brought all kinds of presents, immediately hugged me as soon as I saw him, and offered to buy another apartment for our family. I told him that I'd leave him if he didn't cut off his nanny and her daughter. He began crying once again, it hurt me to see him cry since he rarely ever does.

He asked me to not make him choose since he loves me just as much as he loves them, and that I am the mother of his child, that it wouldn't be fair to our son to grow up in different homes. He told me that he 'owes' his ex-nanny and her daughter because if it wasn't for him, Martha would be happy. I was always skeptical why he cared about her so much, but he'd always say she 'saved' him.

This was the first time he was saying something like this, I pressed on and told him to tell me the truth or we are over, he just said I wouldn't get it. I told him we are done, but then he wouldn't let me leave. He began saying how he would never sign the divorce papers, and won't let me go no matter what I do.

It was scary so I immediately called for my mom and dad, he still wouldn't budge until my dad threatened him with his gun, and he gave me this weird look before he went away. I was honestly never this scared of him, and had never seen this side of his before. He sounded mad that I was trying to leave him. I just wanna get my divorce and live peacefully with my son.

Edit: Stella is not Daniel's daughter. They look nothing alike, moreover, Martha had Stella with a 'one-night stand' as it seems, because when I did ask Daniel about her father, he said he didn't know who he was but it was a 'b*stard who came one night, left, and ruined Ma'.

The internet was deeply invested in this update.

aspralav wrote:

NTA I’m curious have you ever discussed this with his parents about the closeness of the nanny and her trying to push her daughter on him. I would have tore him a new one for not sticking up for his wife and the mother of his child. Something very sick is going on here and at the minimum she has him brainwashed into a mother/son relationship but with an incest like component.

OP responded:

I am on good terms with his parents. Especially his mother, and she dislikes Martha as much as I do, but she doesn't directly confront her. Daniel is not close with his father, if anything, they don't get along, and on multiple occasions, whenever he is hit with the line that he's as good of a lawyer as his dad, he'd get mad, and say he is nothing like him.

So, I don't think his dad could be a help in anyway, they rarely talk, and he is almost NC with him.

boredathome1962 wrote:

NTA. Frankly all the Martha stuff doesn't matter, he hit you, he won't go away until your father got a gun, you're scared of him. That's enough. And his threat that he won't let you go. That needs at the least a restraining order.

Mammoth_Leg_8489 wrote:

He loves you as much as he loves them, eh? That says it all.

BeardManMichael wrote:

This sorry excuse for a man clearly doesn't see you as a human being. He's acting like you're some trophy that he no longer has access to. I would unfortunately expect things to get far worse before they get any better. File a restraining order, go no contact, change out locks and passwords, and most importantly of all make sure your parents understand how dangerous this man is.

It sounds as if you might have to use your protective parents as a barrier between him and you. Only you actually know if you have alternative options. Other commenters also gave fantastic advice so please consider what they said also. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this bullsh*t. I hope you and your son stay safe and can live a more normal life as soon as possible.

Irishtemper98 wrote:

His nanny is only 14 years his senior. I'm wondering if there isnt/wasn't a sexual component to this relationship. Regardless, he is in an unhealthy relationship with her and her daughter and has no intention of getting out of it. Not even for you or his son. Your only option is to leave him after his physical abuse, as it will only escalate if you stay.

He has clearly shown he chooses his ex-nanny over you and his son and won't hesitate to beat you if you speak poorly of her.

As others have said, please do not meet up with him again and take all precautions to protect you and your child. If you're able to leave during your divorce proceedings, so he can't reach you, please do that. If you can't, please insist all communication goes through your attorney. Be safe OP and update us as you can. We might be strangers, but we're all concerned for your and your son's safety.

Clearly, OP needs to get far away from him, ASAP.

Sources: Reddit
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