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'AITA for not telling my boyfriend I won money 15 years ago?' UPDATED 4X

'AITA for not telling my boyfriend I won money 15 years ago?' UPDATED 4X


Few things bring out someone's true colors quite like money.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for not telling her boyfriend she won money fifteen years ago. She wrote:

"AITA for not telling my boyfriend I won money 15 years ago?"

My boyfriend (35m) and I (35f) were discussing finances as we wanted to be on the same page. My boyfriend moved in with me unexpectedly three months ago as his landlord decided to move into the property with his family. We were discussing finances and the topic of how I own my place came up.

I explained I won some money (not a lot but enough to be able to put myself through nursing school, purchase my home and have some savings) back in 2009 and bought my place outright and then rented it out until I moved back into it in late 2018. Obviously I had some luck on my side as this was right in the middle of the recession so I got my place for real cheap.

He says I deceived him by giving him the impression that I was a financially well off and that I led him to believe I was more business savvy than I was. I don’t know how I did that because I literally work as a nurse make decent money, fully own my home, fully own my car, have decent retirement plans and decent savings. I'm fairly certain that I am financially better off than most people I know.

He says that he can’t trust me anymore and that he was stupid to have listened to my financial advice but the thing is I never gave him any financial advice, except for telling him not to buy a car that was in my opinion unreliable and much too expensive. Did I deceive him by not telling him how I got myself financially stable? FYI we have been dating for almost a year and a half.

Redditors had a lot of comments and questions.

RMaua wrote:

NTA. This feels like jealousy on his part so he's lashing out. Out of interest, how long have you two been together? Because this kind of information can take a while to disclose. If you were together when you won the money and hid it from him that might be a different argument. Also, you are financially savvy because you got a windfall and didn't waste it. Well done you!

OP responded:

We’ve been together almost a year and a half. I didn’t even know him when I won my money.

Thank you!

ProfileElectronic wrote:

He thought you were better off and he could mooch off of you in the long run. It always starts with moving in together because of some issues and the woman's house is the only logical place. Next he will lose his job due to "circumstances" and be unable to find another. He must have already begun throwing hints that he's unhappy at his current job and he's being treated unfairly.

Of course he believes you deceived him because what he thought of as a cushy retirement is looking nor so luxurious as he'll have only your nurse's salary to mooch of on.

OP responded:

You literally called it!

CatWombles wrote:

Oh time to get him to move out! He’s a red flag!

GameDev4187 wrote:

NTA. Sounds like he is insecure because you make more and / or have more success than him. He is putting you down to make himself feel better. Nurses make bank. They work hard hours and are compensated accordingly. Simply ask him, knowing how you probably earn 100k per year and another 30-40k in overtime, if he believes you could own your home without your prior luck?

Because unless it's some mansion, buying anything in the recession was cheap and as I stated, you likely make bank. If he feels like you don't "deserve" your home because of some chance/luck(?), and couldn't afford it, offer to move into his comparable home he purchases.

Honestly I don't think he recognizes your success, and I think you need a long chat about it over a bottle of wine or 3. He can either be proud of you and drop it, or he can be single.

And OP responded:

I earn a bit over 200k and with overtime I earn more. I also know I could buy a fairly decent place now if I wanted to and I base that on my colleagues who purchased their homes in the past few years. But you're right I’m definitely going to ask him this. I was just so taken aback by his response to me sharing things with him that I was genuinely perplexed on what I did to cause such a argument.

mxcrnt2 wrote:

You did nothing to cause the argument. Your bf is responsible for his own emotions. He's being manipulative. I do think it’s poor important for people to recognize how much luck plays a role in wealth.

I only bought my house because my parents gave me a big chunk of money to do so as a "living inheritance" and I always tell people this so that there’s no suggestion that it wasn’t easy or that everybody should just be able to do it if they don’t eat avocado, toast, or whatever. But his reaction is definitely not reasonable, even if he feels like you hit the truth to make yourself look more savvy than you are.

And OP responded:

I absolutely recognize that my win put me in an extraordinary position. If I didn’t win it I would’ve had student loans and other debt hanging over my head. I’ve never thought of myself as superior or more worthy than anyone else for being financially stable.

I literally grew up very poor and that money changed my life and the lives of my sisters. So I absolutely recognize the privileges and opportunities it gave me and what it continues to give.

After receiving a lot of comments and questions, OP jumped on the post with an update.

UPDATE: I just had another, very weird conversation with him and I honestly can’t wrap my head around it. Yeah so he is definitely a gold digger. He asked me how much I have in savings and seemed impressed with how much and then said maybe he reacted too aggressively. Then asked/told me that he still wants the car I advised him not to get.

He hinted at me getting it for him as a birthday present since its his birthday in early March. I am definitely dumping him. Going to wait till my two sisters and my brother-in-laws can come over before I break up with him incase he reacts crazy.

The update inspired even more questions.

Bitter_Employee2115 wrote:

What car did you say was unreliable?

And OP responded:

He wants a Tesla and well they are notoriously unsafe, unreliable, ugly and much too expensive.

In_need_of_chocolate wrote:

Eek this guy is dripping in red flags. Moved in with you “unexpectedly”, ie didn’t give you sufficient time to think about it. Critical of you for not telling him something that is none of his business and because he made incorrect assumptions about you. Saying he can’t trust you? Fine, fork off and move out!

“How much do you have in savings?” after this shitshow should have been met with the answer “none of your business”. How much does he have? BUY HIM A CAR? Girl this gets worse and worse. Change the locks. ASAP. NTA.

And OP responded:

He said he had 18k in savings. In regards to him moving in he was definitely given a thirty day notice and he looked for a place, in fact I helped him with it but the rental market was just a bit brutal, so we agreed he could move in and yes he pays rent. My jaw dropped when he hinted at me getting a Tesla for him.

Talking to him the past couple days has literally hurt my brain. He says one thing then the next will be contradictory to the previous thing he said. He was never like this before, I guess moving in made it difficult to hide his crazy!

wordsmythy wrote:

He was never like this before. Or maybe you were not on high alert to be looking for red flags, because you had no reason not to trust him. But then again, you weren’t looking for a reason not to trust him. But now, he’s giving you plenty of reason not to trust him. As the saying goes, when people show you who they are…believe them.

Soon after, OP jumped won with two more updates.

UPDATE 2: He’s jealous and also resentful. He’s ranting about how he would’ve tripled the money if he had won it.

UPDATE 3: He’s saying that my money is wasted on me because I don’t “make it make money”. Apparently I should’ve been investing my savings in high yielding stocks and other s#$t. FYI I do get financial advice from a financial advisor I trust but I am a risk averse person so I would never invest it in the manner this idiot is telling me! Sure the chance to get a lot of money is there but so is the chance to lose!

The comments kept coming in.

antique_add wrote:

15 years ago which is way before you met him. You won some money. You were fiscally responsible with it and use it to further your life so that you were an accomplished place. Now. He says you like to him. Ask him to tell you every every penny he's ever earned from his entire life. He's not supposed to do that and you don't have no reason to do it either.

He's upset. It's because he thinks he could have spend some of it or been entitled to a vacation. It's not his money, you are not entitled to tell him anything. Need to reevaluate your relationship with him. NTA.

Antelope_31 wrote:

NTA but he definitely is. He was never entitled to that info unless/if/when you wanted to share it. Most people who win money lose it all within in 3 years and many end up worse off. Look up the statistics! You made wise, savvy decisions and continue to work hard for your future. You owe him no apologies. Make sure you get a prenup if you get married, full stop.

northwyndsgurl wrote:

NTA. Your BF is projecting. Everything you did was financially smart & savvy! You ARE better off than most people regardless of age bracket. Advising him not to invest $ in a depreciating asset was very wise. Cars should be seen as mules to get you to work to make money. Spending ungodly amts for a vehicle to impress others is what perpetually poor/struggling people do.

The real question is Why is he so salty about you NOT being rich? Did he think he was latching on to a sugar mama with generational wealth? Your finances are none of his business unless you are engaged & abt to promise a lifetime together.

Being like-minded abt finances is key when planning a life together, but thats not where you are yet...thank god,cuz what he did and said, his overreaction in the wrong direction is very telling. To me, the only financial mistake you can make is continuing with this guy.

He's the AH, and really, at his age, to spend so recklessly on a vehicle tells me you'll never be financially stable with him by your'll always be trying to replace the money he spends or perpetually the bad guy for not going along with it. Yikes!

And OP jumped on with yet another update.

UPDATE 4: He’s now on a crazy rant because I suggested we take a break from this argument because I don’t want to ruin my few days off. My god I can’t believe how he’s behaving. He thinks he’s so clever but I am thoroughly disgusted. Oh it is absolutely over between us.

This inspired even more responses.

According-Western-33 wrote:

Run, forrest, run!!! Seriously, he was so blinded with rage that you...checks notes...had money, that he just started yelling incoherently at you.

NTA, but you need a quick and safe exit, BF sounds unhinged.

DestronCommander wrote:

NTA. You're not married. You've been dating only 1.5 years and he shouldn't act like you owed him something big.

Specific-Garlic-1036 wrote:

NTA. This is the first time you discussed finances, you’re only BF/GF not engaged and just now moving in-and not because the relationship itself was ready. You could have inherited, got an amazing scholarship, any number of things beyond just worked hard and invested well.

His assumption is his problem, and if this is his attitude make him an EX BF. Indeed, you DID invest well and have made amazing choices with your good luck.

Traditional_Ad4576 wrote:

You won money, spent it wisely allowing you to pay for the schooling needed for your steady job, allowed you to buy a house and still have savings left over, and he has the balls to say you aren't financially well off? The audacity to move into your home and say that s#$t. No, no you are NTA, he is a small little man, with a nasty complex.

It sounds like OP is dodging a MAJOR bullet by breaking up with him.

Sources: Reddit
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