'AITA for walking out on my boyfriend when he’s grieving his family dog?' MAJOR UPDATE

Sometimes, you need the chorus of the internet to confirm that your choices are, in fact, sound.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for walking out on her boyfriend while he was grieving. She wrote:

"AITA for walking out on my boyfriend when he’s grieving?"

My (35F) boyfriend (36M) had to have his family dog put down. He is naturally devastated. I went round to his the day after and we stayed in and had a few drinks. The next morning I had got up before him. When he got up he just went straight into the kitchen and was washing up, so I went in from where I was in the living room and he looked annoyed.

I asked if he was alright and he said ‘no’ I asked what was wrong and he shouted at me ‘what do you think is wrong, my dogs just died. Just f#$k off and leave me alone’. So I did, I went and got dressed and as I was walking out the door he asked where I was going. I told him home.

When he asked why I said I get that his dogs died but he didn’t need to tell me to f#$k off when I was just asking what was wrong. He told me to go then and called me a twat. I’ve since sent him a message explaining that he didn’t look like he was upset, he looked annoyed so that’s why I asked what was wrong. He’s just said okay, no apology.

I have spoken to a couple of my friends who both say there was no need for him to speak to me that way and they would have left too. But the way he’s reacted makes me think he’s hurt that I left him whilst he’s grieving.

Redditors had a lot to say in response.

Artistic_Tough5005 wrote:

NTA Just because he is grieving doesn’t give him the right to call you names and take his pain out on you. Personally I would leave him alone for good!

DesperateinDunharrow wrote:

NTA. Grieving does not equal throwing a tantrum. He’s 36, not 16, so he’s old enough to know that grieving doesn’t mean you can act however you like and everyone has to forgive you.

BleepYouToo wrote:

NTA. He doesn't have a problem calling you names and telling you to f#$k off. He lashes out at you and doesn't apologize. He's 36 and more than capable of managing his emotions enough to not treat his GF like his personal emotional punching bag. You deserve to be treated decently and with respect.

Worth-Season3645 wrote:

NTA….nope. Boyfriend is wrong. Grieving or not, you do not speak to your partner that way. He told you to f#$k off and leave him alone. Why wouldn’t he think that you would leave? He just told you he wanted to be alone.

Performance_Lanky wrote:

NTA. As others have said, just because he’s grieving doesn’t give him license to verbally ab*se you. Though asking him what was wrong was a bit of a silly question, given the context.

OP responded:

Yeah I know. It threw me that he looked annoyed, not upset, so didn’t make the connection, I was also very hungover and shattered. I’ve explained this to him and all I’ve had back is okay.

PM_ME_YOUR_ISOTOPES wrote:

He told you to leave him alone, so you did. Now he's mad that you did what he asked. Like I get that he's grieving, but...I've lost pets and I've never treated someone the way he treated you even when I was in abject sorrow. That's pretty messed up. Does he often have issues with lashing out when he is dealing with uncomfortable situations?

OP responded:

I’ll be honest, it’s not the first time he’s took out his frustrations on me. This is the first time he’s sworn at me though. We had a conversation not long ago and told him the way he speaks to me is disrespectful. Now he’s swearing at me. I guess I was just thinking because he’s grieving I could forget it. But he’s not even apologised and he usually has by now.

ThinkFish5023 wrote:

NTA. I would have left too. It's not acceptable to speak to people the way he spoke to you. Has he ever spoken to you that way before? Grief can make behaviour like this more understandable but it's still not acceptable and he should apologise. I had an ex who would speak to me this way. There was always some drama or crisis or upset going on which was always used as an excuse.

I don't know anything about the dynamic of your relationship. But If he does this routinely and always blames it on circumstance, then it's a huge problem and you deserve better.

OP responded:

Yes, but not the swearing and name calling, your ex sounds very similar to him tbh. we said we’re going to talk today. Idk how this is going to go, I want to make my point but also not disregard his feelings. I’m sure he thinks me asking what’s wrong was a stupid question, and I get that, but I need him to see his reaction was way over the top.

Two days later, OP jumped on to post an update.

UPDATE: In case anyone was interested…he refused to apologize and said I goaded him, because I knew why he was pissed off…because I didn’t stay in bed to give him a cuddle and I didn’t ‘sexually satisfy him the night before’ (he can’t keep hard when he’s drank too much… and that’s my fault). We’ve split up. I’m on Hinge 😀 Thank you to everyone for helping me see him for what he is.

People were fully invested in the update.

BSmom wrote:

Do NOT let him make this your fault. You asked a question. He looked annoyed, not upset or crying. With this and the other reactions he's had..you need to seriously decide if this is how you want to be treated. He will continue to treat you this way and worse.

As others have pointed out, he can function in life without being an a$$, he can function with you without being one. please don't let him guilt trip or blame you. Meet up in public and break up.

OP responded:

That’s exactly what he tried to do. We’re done.

djheat wrote:

Kind of funny that she was completely right, he was annoyed and not grieving. What a f#$king putz, can't believe he was actually honest about being sh#$ty because she didn't get him off lol.

IanDOsmond wrote:

"We've split up; I'm on Hinge."

Legend.

StressSoggy3572 wrote:

NTA NO you did well, you left and you should leave him for good honestly! Grieving doesn't give him the right to be an AH and he was an AH even before you left!!!! I read again and again the post and see who said the first f#$ked up thing? HE did!!!

BeautifulConfusion75 wrote:

NTA. Time to dump this AH and find someone that treats you with respect. If he lashes out at you and calls you derogatory names then he really doesn't care and his nasty, hateful behavior is just the beginning of his AHness.

It sounds like OP is dodging some major bullets by leaving this relationship.