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Black woman gets upset after white BF ruins new hairstyle, he claims he was 'joking.'

Black woman gets upset after white BF ruins new hairstyle, he claims he was 'joking.'


There are some lines a partner simply shouldn't cross out of respect, regardless of how much they personally understand the reasoning.

If one partner has consistently told the other one to not touch them in a certain way, or not mess with their things, that boundary should be respected regardless of how 'petty' it seems to the other person.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a young woman asked if she's wrong for getting mad when her boyfriend ruined her hair.

She wrote:

AITA for getting mad and crying when my boyfriend ruined my hair?

Throwaway because he might see this, but at this point I’m not really sure I care if he does.

I (18f, black) have been dating my boyfriend (18m, white) for a year now. We went to the same high school, graduated together (we were best friends pre-relationship), so we’ve always been pretty close. ever since I was very young, I’ve always been a perfectionist when it comes to my appearance, especially my hair.

Wigs, blow outs, silk press, braids, you name the hairstyle, I’ve had it, and all my friends and family members know that iIm very cautious of what people do around my hair when it’s fairly new (no touching it, no playing in it, etc). well, recently, I got a blow out. It was my first blowout in years, and I went to a salon I had never been to before to get it.

It cost about $120 dollars, and it was worth it. I felt beautiful in my hair. I also paid for my blow out with my own money (this is important for the rest of the story). Fast forward about a day after my trip to the salon, I meet up with my boyfriend so we could hang out.

He seemed to really like my hair, and i gave him the usual run down of what he can and cannot do around it, but I put a lot more emphasis on not playing in it and not getting any liquid near my hair as it can revert it back faster and it would be a waste of money. While i was telling him this, he was joking around about how he “didn’t think it was that serious.”

But I brushed it off as he plays around like that (making fun of my perfectionism) a lot as a joke prior to this situation. A few hours later, we’re relaxing on the couch, when he goes to get a drink, and comes back moments later with a bottled water. He looks extremely suspicious (laughing and giggling while looking at me) but I didn’t think anything of it.

Until he starts coming a lot closer towards me, water open, hovering it over me while laughing and saying things like “a little water won’t f**k it up” and “it’s not that serious, chill!” while I’m trying to get him away from me. My struggle made me hit his wrist, which made the water spill all over me.

Half of it went directly on top of my head, the other half on my clothes and the couch. I immediately jump up and start yelling at him, asking him why he would do that to me while trying to take off my drenched shirt. During this argument, he acts as if he did nothing wrong, and says he “didn’t think it was a big deal.”

This set me off, and I run upstairs crying while searching inside of his linen closet for a towel to dry me off. It's been about 3 days since I’ve been over at his house. he’s tried to contact me multiple times, and he has cashapped me $150 to get my hair redone.

I feel like he doesn’t know how he actually made me feel and is trying to save face by sending me money. But on the other hand, I’m starting to think I may have overreacted and that this is all kinda stupid. AITA?

The internet did not hold back.

ExcellentPresent3 wrote:

NTA, I’d honestly break up over that.

And OP responded:

I’m debating it honestly, but I feel like that would be too over the top. I love my hair but I also love my boyfriend, it’s complicated 😭

zeugma888 wrote:

NTA people whose first reaction to you saying don't do x is to try to do x are exhausting. When the x is something to do with your body, honestly, they aren't worth the effort.

Capital-Afternoon-22 had some clarifying questions:

NTA. I would be incredibly pissed if I specifically asked someone to respect a certain boundary and they thought it was funny to violate it. Is it common for him to tease you about being a perfectionist? And if so, do you typically laugh along with him?

If that's the case, I'd give him a little grace in that he figured this was another thing where you are perhaps over the top. It is also good he sent you money; it sounds like he has done some reflecting and realized he f**ked up.

But if he is frequently giving you crap about being a perfectionist and you aren't laughing along with him, then he's probably too immature to respect your needs/boundaries. And by sending you money he probably thinks he 'fixed' the issue.

OP responded:

Usually, when he makes fun of me I make fun of him back, and we just get on each other so yeah, I’m usually laughing with him.

ChakraMama318 wrote:

NTA- oh my god. I would tell your boyfriend that you cannot move forward with this relationship until he educates himself about black hair. That what he did was extremely disrespectful. And it is not a big deal to him because he doesn’t understand the work, money and time that goes into it.

So until he educates himself and apologizes from a place of actually understanding why this was a big deal- you have a problem. Also- Reagan Elizabeth Jackson wrote a great poem about her hair called “Not your Afro-American Petting Zoo” you might like reading that right about now.

Pale_Economist_973 wrote:

NTA, YOU DID NOT OVERREACT!!! Listen boyfriend or not apart of my culture or not if I tell you don't touch my hair and don't do it. It's the audacity of him to think that just cause he don't think it's a big deal it's not. If you are really considering staying in the relationship make him go to the salon with you and sit there the entire time you get your hair done, and don't let him sleep.

In fact, scratch his head and then give him a perm. He will understand don't touch a Black Woman's crown!

031Bandit wrote:

NTA. Dear black child run! Signed a fellow black woman married to a white man who would never even think this was appropriate or funny. He doesn't respect your hair and in turn doesn't respect you.

The outside world has very little respect and care for us black girls, that you don't need this type of nonsense in your own personal world. Both of you are 18, you will recover from this. And now you know, determine how people feel about you by how they treat your hair, how ever it decides to shapeshift.

Clearly, OP did not overreact, and whatever choice she makes is valid - so long as she continues to listen to her gut.

Sources: Reddit
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