In a perfect world, your partner is going to love your friends and vice versa. But this is not always how it goes.
In a popular post on the Am I Wrong subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong for excluding one of his best friends from his girlfriend's birthday. He wrote:
I'm 26M. My girlfriend (22F) is turning 23 in March and I'm organizing a surprise birthday dinner for her at a large restaurant with some of mine and her friends. We've been dating since December 2020 and I plan on proposing to her this year. She likes most of my friends, except for one of them. One of my best friends (26M), who I've known since 2009 when we were 12 years old. Despises him.
She says he's rude and insufferable to be around. Her friends also don't like him. I don't know why, but whenever we're all together, those two don't get along. He is also more critical of her to me than any of my other friends. Tbf, he's like that towards everyone's girlfriend. He prides himself on being a "sh*t talker" but the rest of us have learned to ignore him.
It's to the point where my girl explicitly tells me she won't go out with my friends and I if he's there. I hate hate hate to use an Office reference, but it's almost comparable to how much Pam and Ryan don't like each other in the later seasons except slightly worse. So of course, I'd be stupid to invite him to her birthday party right? I thought that was a pretty reasonable decision.
I told her earlier this month I'd take her to this fancy and expensive Mediterranean restaurant she's always been wanting to go to for her birthday as a date. What she doesn't know is I made a reservation for 20 people, 6 of my friends who she likes, 13 of hers and her sister. They all know, we have a group chat and we're keeping it a secret. Today at work, he messages me asking where his invite was.
I'm not even sure how he found out but obviously one of my friends must've let it slip, which doesn't make sense since we agreed he shouldn't be there. I explained that she really doesn't like him and inviting him to her birthday would be disrespectful, adding in that if it were mine he'd be one of the first I'd invite.
He tells me how betrayed he felt that I left him out like that on "such a big occasion" and a few more blocks of text venting to me. Never seen him that serious, he's usually a goofball in our text convos. I mean I feel bad leaving him out but why would I invite someone my girlfriend actively dislikes to her birthday?? Am I wrong?
So your girlfriend sees your friends behaviour as an issue and refuses to be around him, her friends sees your friends behaviour as an issue and refuse to be around him. You and your friends admit you all see an issue and choose to IGNORE it.
It sounds like your best friend is the AH wherever he goes and you and your friend group just enable his behaviour to the point where he thinks it’s okay to continue to act this way.
When I say we ignore it, I just mean that we've stopped taking a lot of what he says with more than a grain of salt. We do tell him to stfu a lot of the time but if he doesn't listen then hey what can you do He wasn't always like this, just happened in the past 2 years. Not a bad person but can be annoying as f**k sometimes (which we also tell him to his face)
Tell him if he stops being an AH and sh*t talking then he might get invited to things. Tell him all your friend group is over it and he needs to cut it out. If something happened 2yrs ago to change his personality then suggest therapy.
I think it was literally just spending time online 24/7 during 2020-21.
Seriously the fact that he’s mad at you for being left out of a fun night rather than reflecting on how he acts towards your girlfriend and why she doesn’t like him speaks volumes. If I were this friend I’d say have fun at the birthday and then make an effort to mend the friendship with my buddy’s serious girlfriend.
You're friends with someone who is mean to all of your girlfriends, and none of your girlfriends friends like him. He's probably incredibly rude to women, interrupts constantly, and is dismissive "it was just a joke!" when he says really offensive things. You're wrong for being friends with him. He sucks. When a bunch of women don't like someone, there's usually a good reason.
You're not wrong for not letting him go to the party, and you're not wrong for telling him your GF doesn't like him. My big friend group in college had a dude like this in our group. A few of the dudes were friends with him, all the women hated him, but they would defend him saying "that's just how he is, he's a sh*t talker blah blah blah."
Well then he dated our friends sister and she kept showing up with bruises from him. People like that aren't just talking sh*t, they're showing you who they are.
He doesn’t respect her. He doesn’t care about her. He only wants to go because you and the other friends will be there. He has no place there, nor any business at her birthday party. He’s unwanted because of his behavior. It’s time for him to grow the f**k up. Don’t invite him. He needs to grow up and if he can’t, move on. You are outgrowing him.
He doesn’t like that, he’s going to continue to act like a snotty teenage. I don’t know if it’s because he’s scared to grow up or whatever. I don’t get it especially since you say he didn’t act like this before. But he’s going to continue to act like this as long as you let him. Stop. Not inviting him was a good first step. YNW.
I work remote once a week and decided to that today because I didn't get much sleep last night and I'm (was) dealing with this stressful situation. I gave my friend the time and space that he needed before giving him a call at 9am. I spent about a full minute apologizing for "going behind his back" and making him feel left out of the whole situation.
Before I could continue, he apologized to me for "overreacting" and feeling "entitled". After that, I spent about 5 minutes telling him that the way he behaves in front of her, her friends, and other people's girlfriends is unacceptable. He needs to work on the way he treats them and other people outside our friend group. I told him that this is my future wife, the future mother of my children.
She will be a part of my life, and just as importantly HIS life as well if we're friends. I'm not going to "ignore" any more disrespect towards my woman and if he keeps this up, he will not be able to make it to our wedding. I told him that he's important to me, and I want him to be part of our life but in order for that to happen he needs to find a way to fix his behaviour around our partners.
I told him he needs to apologize to her and since she is a very forgiving and caring person, she'd be more than willing to give him another chance IF AND ONLY IF he swears to never cross this boundary of s**t stirring again. There's a reason her friends don't like him and we, his friend group, can respect that decision.
I also told him that if he ever wants to sit down with me and talk about what's been causing him to act so childish since 2021, then I'm here for him. He gave me an equally long talk apologizing and telling me he didn't perceive his words to be more than mere banter (although they were very clearly much more than that lol). Told me swore to keep my girl's name out of his mouth in any disrespectful way as well.
As of now we've agreed that he should meet my girlfriend and her sister (20 or 21 I forgot) in person and apologize to both since she also really doesn't like him and they had a bit of an argument the one and only time they met.
He told me he sort of likes her sister, which sort of made sense but I told him to forget that idea since she already hates him and the farthest he'll ever get with her is forgiveness and tolerance at this point. Anyways, that's it. Sort of boring but I'm glad we got it sorted out. He's also accepted that he won't be at her birthday.
"As of now we've agreed that he should meet my girlfriend and her sister."
Who has agreed? Did your GF and her sister have any input on this? Or did you and your dipsh*t BFF make another decision on your own?
We initially agreed he should meet them. Not that he will. Meaning I suggested this should be the plan of attack and he agreed, and that I'd talk to the other two to see if they're okay. That was 14 hours ago. As of now, my girlfriend has agreed but my sister still hasn't responded
Seriousness of how well OP handled the situation aside, I’m laughing at the fact the friend likes the sister. If he weren’t such a terrible person he might have had a chance. Now she might not even want the apology!!
As much as I love the guy, I don't think he can come close to pulling her.
Very happy to see you pull your head out of the sand and stick up for your lady and her friends. Idk what his deal is and hopefully he’ll tell you.
Props to him for realising that his reaction was not appropriate and apologizing for it, also to you for apologizing for not being upfront. There is obviously still mutual respect and that's a great basis for maintaining your friendship.Honesty is not always the easiest way to handle situations, but friends are worth the hassle.
Good for you, telling him what he needed to hear. Good for him, realizing he has been a jerk and was acting entitled. Let’s hope your friendship is important enough to him that he grows up and stops being an a$$.
Hopefully, OP's friend fully realizes the error of his ways and course corrects.