'My fiancée wants to be a stay-at-home-fiancée. I feel super weird about it. AITA?' UPDATED

Ideally, you want to sort through red flags before you're full-on engaged or married to your partner. But red flags have a way of showing up after you've made a big commitment.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong for not wanting his fiancee to quit her job and be a "stay-at-home-fiancee." He wrote:

"My fiancé wants to be a stay-at-home-fiancée. AITA?"

My fiancée has proposed something that I have never heard of. We had a big argument and she felt I was acting like an AH. I wanted to get an opinion on what she is asking is a thing, and if is it something I should be worried about. I (30M) recently got engaged to my fiancée Emma (26F) last month.

Emma is amazing and we met at work. I am a researcher in a big tech firm, while Emma works in marketing. We met 2.5 years ago, during a company event, and I was completely smitten by her. I asked her out, she said yes, and we have an amazing relationship so far. One of the things I love about Emma is how organized she is.

Her job involves working on marketing events, and event planning. She is great at it, and I am proud of her. However, her work also involves working for longer hours, especially if she is helping in organizing events or meetups. Since my job is a desk job, I generally have very predictable hours and do not generally have to work late.

She always complains about how I get to sit in a nice office, while she is driving around everywhere and getting things done. I know this might come off poorly, but I am neurodivergent (ADD) and struggle with simple things, and that is one of the reasons I love her as I struggle with anything that requires organization. She is patient and makes my life better in many ways.

We moved in together in the summer. She moved into my apartment. That was the first time we discussed finances openly. Due to some really lucky factors, and stock value appreciation, I have a pretty good compensation package. She knew I was financially stable, but was shocked when she learned what I make. I was actually, equally shocked at what she makes.

It turns out I was making around 15x more than her. I offered her to not pay anything, and concentrate on saving to pay back her student debt, which was paused at that time. I own our apartment. However, she said that she also wanted to contribute and we decided to split the expenses proportional to what we make, which I thought was fair. She has always been very independent and self-sufficient.

Now to the issue. So, we got engaged around a month ago during the holidays. She had never asked me for anything expensive before. However, she wanted a specific diamond engagement ring, that cost us close to $15K. I was not comfortable spending that, but she convinced me that she was going to wear it for the rest of her life, and hence it's worth it. We got it and she was very happy.

Whenever she shows the ring to anyone, she often attempts to mention the cost of the ring in the conversation. I feel extremely uncomfortable with showing off and have told her many times to stop. However, she continues doing it. Yesterday, I came home and she asked me to sit on the couch next to her. She said she wanted to talk about something important.

She said that she is planning to quit her job next month and give her 15-day notice. I was shocked and asked her if anything was wrong. She said that she wants to plan the wedding and it is going to take a lot of time. We plan to get married in the summer. Hence, she wants to make sure she takes care of all the bookings soon.

I asked her why she needed to quit her job for that, and she said that she was tired of working long hours, and wanted to be a stay-at-home fiancée. I laughed and told her that was not a thing. Plus, she still has tens of thousands of dollars of student loans. She argued that it was less than what I make in a month and we are a team now. So, she is not worried about it.

I asked her what her plans were after the wedding, and she said that she had not planned what to do after that, but was glad I was with her. I told her that she could take a break, but I am not comfortable with her just abandoning her career at such a young age, especially since we are not planning to have kids for at least a few years.

She is good at what she does and I want her to be independent even after marriage (in case something bad happens to me). We had a big argument and she feels I am an AH to want her to work after marriage when we can afford for her to stay at home. On one hand, what she makes is not going to affect our finances.

However, it just rubbed me the wrong way. I have never heard of anyone leaving their job, to plan the wedding. Is stay-at-home-fiancée really a thing? I want to support her and make her life comfortable, but I feel quitting her career is a little too early for her age.

People kept it real in the comment section.

ophelia8991 wrote:

Nobody is the a-hole here. You just need to go to counseling and iron out how finances/work are going to look in your marriage. Ie, do you want to fully support her (if so, great!) or not. These are make-or-break things in a marriage. Better to work them out now.

OP responded:

Thanks. She has a college degree, and I really want her to not be co-dependent on me. This can be addressed in counseling or more communication.

Sebscreen wrote:

NTA. The fact that she went from an independent, capable adult to wanting to be your dependent after she found out how much you make is a huge concern. If she was willing to throw away her own career for this perceived easy life, that doesn't bode well for if she'll stick with you if you ever lost the ability to pull such a high salary.

OP responded:

What concerned me was she waited until we got engaged and then told me about this. I just wanted opinions on if anyone else has observed this and how they dealt with the situation.

Deleted Commenter wrote:

Have her sign a prenuptial agreement. What’s she planning on doing with her days after the wedding and before you have kids?

OP responded:

We already have a prenup signed before engagement.

dncrmom wrote:

NTA I would postpone the wedding until her student loans are paid off. She at least needs to work until that happens. Right now what she is proposing is ridiculous. If she is unhappy in her job she can look for a new one.

Comprehensive-Bad219 wrote:

Don't walk RUN. Don't marry this girl you will regret it. In all seriousness, not saying that you have to break up with her, but immediately put a break on any marriage plans for now. Tell her you are not ok with marrying her if her plans are to just sit on the couch and do nothing all day. In fact, tell her that you will not be financially supporting her at all.

Give her a date that she needs to get a job and start paying rent by - or she needs to move out and get her own place. She needs a reality check that you aren't a cash cow.

sapphire8 wrote:

You need to talk about finances.

Set a budget for your wedding. Weddings can spiral out of control if she's already convinced you that she needed a ridiculous ring.

If she has focused on your money are you going to share accounts?

Are you going to have a budget/savings plan, or will you let her have full control over buying whatever she wants.

She's being blinded by the dollar signs hun, and if you don't have the premarriage discussion to make sure you are on the same page, you are going to be working yourself into the ground all your life treading water to keep her happy, and wondering why you haven't gotten any savings.

We can love people, but sometimes love isn't enough for them to be the right partner to marry. Financial expectations is just one example of a relationship deal breaker or destroyer if you don't spell it out for her so that she can readjust her expectations. She might have shown her red flag too early by assuming the 15k commitment means you will be less likely to call it off.

A week later, OP shared an update.

Last week, I (30M) posted regarding my fiancé (26F), whom I got recently engaged to asking me if she can leave her job and be a stay-at-home fiancé (STAF). For context, the issue was I earn a lot more than her (around 15x) because of some lucky circumstances, even though we work in the same company.

She did not know that until last summer, when we moved in as I have a very modest apartment (that I own), and don't spend a lot of money on myself, unless on a few of my hobbies. After we got engaged, she asked me if she could leave her job, to plan for a wedding full-time and be a SAHF.

I posted this here, because I thought the term "stay-at-home fiancé" was funny, and thought it would make a few of you chuckle. After 1000s of you calling her a gold-digger, I thought it was time for a serious talk and understand why she wanted to quit her job. I was able to gather my thoughts and was able to have a conversation with her.

On Friday night, we ordered in and had a nice dinner. I again brought up the subject of why she wanted to quit her job. I tried to be supportive and not act like an AH when asking the questions. Initially, she went all defensive about why she wanted to stay home and started talking about how it would not matter since she barely made enough to contribute to our relationship.

I tried to explain it to her, that it was not just about the money. I told her how hardworking and talented she is in her field and she has worked very hard to finally get a position where she is helping with event management for such a large organization.

I also talked about the fact that although I make good money, I have just been working for a few years, and we do not have enough savings where if something happens to me, she will be taken care of. I told her about my fears that having a large salary means I have the biggest target on my back when it comes to layoffs.

Overall, I think I was able to get my point across on why I feel she should not give up on her career at the age of 26. She agreed with most of the things I said. She told me that she was very overwhelmed with all the things that needed to be done before our wedding. She commented on how I am really bad at organizing tasks, and she will have to handle many of the things on her own.

Our parents insist that we get married this year, and it's a very short time frame to plan everything. She said that she feels burnt out at work, and barely has any energy left at the end of the week, after running around everywhere, and sometimes traveling to different cities. Her exact complaint was her boss treated her like a work-mule, and it was degrading to do all the work for barely any money.

Hence, she wants to avoid the work stress and plan for the wedding from a happy place. She promised that she would start looking for work, once we were done with our wedding and honeymoon trip. However, she does not want to work in a role she is currently working in, and wants a job with more predictable hours. She also talked about going back to school and getting her master's.

She insisted that she did not want to be a trophy wife, and I jokingly pointed out that the best should qualify for would be a consolation trophy. She laughed, but don't think she was happy with that. I think that was fair, and she plans to resign late this week. Hopefully, she will be able to enjoy the days off and re-energize before the wedding.

As for all the gold-digger comments, I understand where you are coming from. I grew up poor, and I make an effort to never show off what I have (to a fault) because not everyone in my family has got what I have. She fell into that version of me. If I trust her enough to get married to her, then I also have to trust my perception of her.

For me, she is the smartest, hardest working, independent person who frankly does not care about stuff. Granted she got a nice engagement ring and was excited to show around. However, most of my colleague's spouses also have nicer rings. Overall, sorry for such a stupid non-entertaining update. Glad we were able to talk about it and move on.

People were fully invested in the update.

ccl-now wrote:

You lost any credibility when you said that your parents are insisting on you getting married this year. I can't take you seriously as a successful adult if mummy and daddy are still telling you what to do.

pbandbooks wrote:

I'm going to offer a defense of OP for sh*ts & giggles. It's possible that OP and his fiance come from a different culture where even if they live in the US or elsewhere in the west their parents home culture heavily weighs parental opinion and this OP does. I'm still suspicious though.

Specific_Progress_38 wrote:

Hire a wedding planner. Who quits their job to plan a wedding? OP, she doesn’t want to work anymore and is setting you up for a world of hurt. Get a prenup and make sure YOU use birth control.

facinationstreet wrote:

So she is going to 'go back to school' after the wedding so she can prolong her SAH indefinitely. You are looking at 1 year until the wedding, then another year for her to study to get in to grad school, then another 2+ years for her to go to grad school, then she will magically be pregnant and so it will go.

You've actually not resolved anything other than her telling you the same info in a different way and getting you to agree to it. LOL!

Jolene_Bindo wrote:

You are an adult. You set the wedding date. Unless they are paying for 100% of everything. Tell them to butt out. As far as your fiancé...yikes. Maybe a compromise with a part time job? So she has time to wedding plan (it’s not that friggen hard if you keep it simple).

Remember, the more spent in the wedding, the higher the chances of divorce. If she just loves you for you and not your money, she will be happy with a simple wedding without all the glitz and glam.

Clearly, the internet is not at peace with this update.