There are times when you know you're making the right decision, but you need some extra support to give you that final boost.
In a popular post on the Relationship Advice subreddit, a man sought advice on how to kick out his sister's GF since she's a bad roommate. He wrote:
So my gf and I (29M) have been living together since 2020, we had moved away from our family and lived in an apartment space with her college roommate that she’s been friends with. It’s been a struggle, cause there’s a massive difference between dating someone and living with someone, but through the ups and downs we been making it work.
In 2022 the college roommate moved out, and while there was no bad blood, there were glaring issues (we had to take care of her two cats, the room was pretty torn up, etc), and we lived together for 8 more months til my gf asked her sister if she wanted to live with us. To give context, they are not fond of their father.
Super strict parenting, they kept their doors closed to avoid confrontation, drank a lot, would berate them, so on. My gf actually ran away during college cause she just couldn’t take it, and only came back out of guilt for her family. Inviting her sister to live with us was a way to help her out…but now that’s where things get bad.
We have spent a whole year with her now, and we can’t think of any positive thing about her staying. We have a cat as does she having two, and she sets up so many rules (her cats can’t come to our room, ours can’t go to hers, one can’t lounge in a certain area, etc.)
It got so bad we unwillingly had to cage our cat (we don’t anymore) when we went to work cause she didn’t want to monitor the cats if things went awry. Now we’re forced to close our doors during the nights. Additionally, we decided to fly her LDR bf here, on the agreed idea that being together will have them work together for a better future. Nope.
It’s been 9 months and he hasn’t gotten a job, and makes a mess that we have to clean up after that neither will take responsibility for. On top of that, she gets intoxicated and would pass snide comments when something was done wrong (I.e we left a plate soaking in the sink, even though there’s a oil soaked messed they made near the stove).
So now my gf has to keep her doors closed to avoid confrontation, sister drinks/smokes, berates her…sound familiar? I insisted that we move out, to a different apartment space, no difference to our finances other than just losing a bedroom. The issue is if we move out, her sister has nowhere to go.
We did “talk” about it before, how she would change but she expects us to change (the only things wrong is done by our cat which we stay up hours to correct), and that we invited her out here in the first place, so it would be messed up to leave her like this.
I’m not sure what the correct solution is, and I only post here in /family cause I’m actually planning to propose and marry into my gf’s family, as I’ve known her for a good 15 years at this point. Are we in the wrong for wanting our own peace at the risk of making her sister have no place to stay, or should we force something to work?
"if we move out, her sister has nowhere to go."
Which is your problem why exactly? Kick them out. You two handed her an apt on a plate, and she pissed it away by being a dreadful roommate. She has nobody to blame if she is homeless other than herself. Of course she will publicly blame you two, because she is incurably entitled, but if anyone who takes her side you just say "OK, she's all yours, you take her in."
In Spanish we say: guests and corpses start to stink after three days. Look, I understand wanting to support the sister, but you and your gf have to put your foot down and be clear on the expectations on when the sister has to move out, one way or another.
That is: depending on her education/work experience, tell her she has x of months to find a job and a place of her own. Don’t propose until you’re certain you and your gf are in the same page as to how to deal with such a situation.
We do plan on telling her sister after the holidays, as our lease ends in 5 months, which we hope is more than enough time for her and her bf to figure things out. I had only wished her bf found a job like he claimed he would; we even got him onto a temp job but he never showed up and he still lives here rent free.
Edit: for the proposal, thankfully my gf and I picked the ring out together and she’s fine waiting however long for me to propose as I insist we have financial and stable mental footing, so we’re good on that.
Don't just 'talk', LEAVE. I'm assuming the sister, and the boyfriend are adults... let them figure it out. If they can't, they can both go back to whence they came. Your GF did her sister a solid by offering her an escape from her not-so-great home life.
As a thank you, the sister turned into a nightmare, and brought her equally nightmarish-entitled BF into the mix. You and your GF have done enough, more than enough. LEAVE.
I only say “talk” cause the sister immediately starts crying, so its more of an attempt at appeasing to her to stop the crying than discussing the issues. We definitely will set our foot down and give an update on the post when we do.
Edit: I guess to give an example, my gf wanted to ask why she didn’t want her cats to roam to our room or be near the kitchen, when she was totally fine with her cats being in the kitchen and her bedroom when they used to live back at their parents’ house, and we never got an answer, just sobbing and talking about how our cat keeps getting on the counter (hers does too but I guess ours is an issue).
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. You and your gf had very good intentions and heart, but you are now in hell.
There are so many saying that were created for this exact situation. Your gf's sister has been such a horrible example of their father. I can't, but imagine how miserable your gf is because her sister is such a reminder of what her home life was like. For this reason alone, she can't live with her sister. Her emotional and mental health should be your top priority.
I would stress this to her from a place of love. For the love of crazy, the sister was a nightmare before you let her boyfriend come. What truly made you believe that a man would make her better. After 30 days of him not working, I would have kicked his a$$ out, and if she didn't like that, she could go, too. They are damn adults and are responsible for their own livelihood. Your girlfriend really needs you right now.
You know, at some point in our lives, we deserve to be happy without the thought of owing other people happiness at the expense of our own. The sister is emotionally and mentally blackmailing you and your gf. By saying, you brought me out here and are now leaving me. No, you are not leaving her, you leaving her, her lazy ass boyfriend, their drunkenness, their mess and meanness.
The two of you are at an age and stage in your relationship to be living alone together. When she starts telling everyone there and family back home, simply reply with the reasons insisted above. I am sure that she will delete her post really fast. You can only be afraid of her doing something if you remain quiet.
Go, move, run fast away from her. Don't look back because you will feel sorry for the wounded puppy that she is making herself out to be. Also, ask what the hell did she think you were going to do after begging her to change, and the problems only ever got worse. You can't change a person, so the best thing to do is leave that person. That will solve your problems.
Thank you for the long written advice. I had just shown my girlfriend this post and we been reading together the comments so far, and she’s both happy and sad to hear it, as some of the things I have already said to her just in a different way, but she “needed convincing that this is the right move.” My girlfriend is strong, like so strong.
I remember she was involved in a car-jacking and it took her months to finally be vulnerable and cry about it, so it hurt to see how often she cried throughout this whole year, more than I have ever seen my whole time knowing her. She teared up after I read this comment aloud, but in a good way, cause she was scared that her and myself would be bad in trying to find peace living alone.
As for inviting the boyfriend (27M) thing, we been friends with him for a good several or so years, before he got together with my gf’s sister. Me, my gf, and the sister’s bf came to the idea that he come here, he work, and then all four of us can pitch in and get a big house for all of us to live together (yeah we were naive).
I’d be much more comfortable with us moving out if he had a job, cause he’s been here for 9 months, but he hasn’t. Our plan is to enjoy the holidays, visit my family, and then once new year’s passes we will tell them the news. It gives them 5 months before the lease ends, and then we can also see what her bf decides to do, whether he wants to fly back or stay here and actually work things out.
It just sucks cause we both are anxious about the long 5 months, as her sister’s reaction will decide how we live for the remaining time here.
Tell her that you want your relationship with your gf to be taken to the next level, and it’s time you both lived alone. Her sister isn't a moron, she can figure out a new living situation. Adults should be able to support themselves, your SIL (pending) is an adult, she’s not your responsibility and shouldn’t be. It’d be better for her if she were self reliant, doesn’t have to be weird, just use the “relationship enhancement” angle.
The post I made was unanimous in saying we just need to tell them and leave (most were kind, some called us pussies but I can’t blame them). Well good news for anyone who saw the OG post and for the people just joining in, but we did tell them in the beginning of January.
We were extremely anxious about it, but when we talked about it we felt relief off our shoulders. Of course her sister cried about it, saying a lot of things to try to convince us to stay, and we firmly just said we wanted to leave.
We did not say because of her, we simply said we wanted to be on our own since the last 5 years living out on our own it was never us two, since we had a roommate for the first 3 years and now her sister. She admitted defeat and said she was fine with it, and now we’re moving out in May once our lease ends!
It doesn’t come without the weekly comments to guilt us to stay, all from her sister, which we have had answers for each one.
“I don’t want us to lost contact/stop talking after all this!” - we always invite them out to eat or explore, play games, watch movies, bring them with us to visit our respective families for the holidays. Always a no. Doesn’t help every time she does try to talk to us it ends in her guilting/blaming my girlfriend.
“It’s hard to find a job nowadays, I don’t know if (boyfriend’s name) can help me with paying for a new space…” - it’s now been 1 year since he’s been here, we can say for certain he only applied to one place and gave us no update. I’m sure him saying he doesn’t want to work somewhere that pays him below X amount doesn’t mean anything /sarcastic
There’s plenty more, but we been growing thicker skin and now just looking forward to living just us together. Might not necessarily need a post, but just wanted to make this to thank the people on here that encouraged/kicked our a$$es to take a stand. Is there anything we should plan ahead for in handling a person with this kind of personality?
So you’re moving out? Are they signing a new lease? Make sure your names are off everything before you leave. Enjoy your peace!
Yes, our lease ends in May, and we already have a place that we are prepped to go to! For my gf’s sister and her bf on the other hand, we’re not certain. She has a job but he doesn’t, nor does it seem like he’s made any effort in the past month to look for any. We were urged in my previous post that it was not our problem and we agree, so hopefully they figure that out. Thanks for the peace!
May, huh? Not sure I actually believe you'll go through with it. The fact you're seeking advice for such an obvious set of actions that you're free to do, you want to do, and make perfect sense for you, doesn't give me any comfort that you'll actually show a spine when these people inevitably lean on you for more support.
Personally I was more seeing if we were the ones doing wrong (I know we’re in the right but I want to make sure I go about it right) while my gf was seeking advice on how to discuss with her sister, who basically is just a near carbon copy of her dad, the main source of trauma she grew up with.
Which is why, even with the answers being clear, the course of action being laid out, and me trying to endorse that us moving is a good thing, her trying to maintain a relationship with her sister was the most important thing (they both went through the same sh*t, just my gf had me and a great support group, and her sister had her and the bf she has now).
As for going through it, we already gave our 3 month notice a few days ago and someone is seeking to live here once we move out so it’s set in stone, excited for it!
Remember before you leave take lots of photos and videos of how clean and undamaged etc you left the place. Make sure everything is time stamped. So if moocher sis trashes the place and tries to blame you, you have receipts to call her out. Also back up those photos etc by sending to your email so if phones dies etc, you are still fine.
You are being naive with your blissful ignorance of what several commenters are trying to point out to you. Yes, you and your gf gave notice and you two will be moving out. What you are putting blinders on to avoid is the glaringly obvious situation of, your SIL and her bf may have no intention of moving out.
And if they choose to squat in the unit, even after you’ve turned in your keys and vacated, they’ll be doing so under you and your gf’s name, because you were the lease holders and ultimately will be the ones named on the eviction. Do not give those leeches until May. Have them leave before the lease is up and change the locks immediately once they do.
You don’t seem to be understanding the potential consequences of the blasé attitude you are conveying in your responses. Once you have an eviction/judgement on your record, you are never going to be able to rent anywhere decent again.
Thanks for the heads up! When I made the original post back in December, this was never brought up from commenters, so while I did consider the SIL not being able to leave, I didn’t realize the big consequences of it, so I’m glad it’s being brought up now.
I said it in an earlier comment but we should be off the lease three weeks before May, and I’ll be getting a letter requesting that we would no longer be responsible for the apartment tomorrow, as recommended by another comment and a few private DMs.
I hope the optimistic attitude didn’t just feign blind confidence, we are cautious but this is a first for us so while we were sure to make mistakes I’m grateful that the post helped cover the things we didn’t know.
Normally, you are not “off” the lease until you return an empty, clean, uninhabited apartment to the landlord.
That’s good to know, I’ll definitely talk it through with the landlord tomorrow.
You and your girl, OBVIOUSLY, made the right choice! Kudos to y'all! IMO, the sister is gonna be petty. You and the rest of us get that. And some would say to be brutally honest or however they'd word sending aggression back. But to let the petty roll off like rain on your umbrella is definitely the best route.
Plus keeps your stress level down. I forget who made it famous, but, "What's done, is done. And that's the way it has to be." Good luck enjoying Y'ALL'S lives together!
Yeah over the month we been trying to walk her sister and her bf on how to call and set up the internet, electricity, etc for the apartment space since she’s scared and not sure how to do it. The entire time she’s passing comments, which she insists she’s joking immediately after saying it, that we’re “leaving her broke and borderline homeless” (she sent a group chat text saying it in different words a few hours ago).
Which wouldn’t be an issue cause my gf and I will be spending the same if not a hundred or two more than what she would be paying for her place on ours, but her bf doesn’t have a job.
I guess to give more context on why the bf that we flew out here doesn’t simply fly back home: about a few months ago, he lost his phone AND his wallet in a movie theatre. So no ID. Thankfully he called his mom and got her to send him another phone, so he’s good now.
It's clear OP and his GF made the right choice, the only challenge now is to make sure his GF's sister and her BF actually leave.