'My wife texts her school colleague all day and spends lots of time with him.' UPDATED 3X

It's horrible to feel like you can't trust a partner, and it's even worse when your fears are confirmed on some level.

In a popular post on the Relationships subreddit, a man posted about his wife's growing text relationship with a colleague. He wrote:

"My wife is texting her school colleague all day everyday and spends lots of time with him. Me: (30M) She: (25F)."

We’ve been married for around 3 years, and we recently moved across the country so my wife could attend grad school. I found a career job in the new location and have been financially supporting us for the most part. She’s been on her phone a lot more over the last few months. I’ve asked a few times who she’s texting all the time, and she says it’s just a friend from school.

When I ask more questions she gets defensive. Wasn’t sure what else to do, so unfortunately I took a peek through her phone, and I found out she’s been texting some guy from her school all day everyday and night. The texts last from like 7am to 12am. Everyday. The texts seem innocent overall - nothing sexual or anything - but there are a few things bothering me.

I went all the way to the beginning of the thread. The first issue is that this texting started when my wife asked a friend for this guy’s number and then started texting him randomly. Next, she is ALWAYS the one to text him first, and she double texts him every single time he stops responding. I wish I were exaggerating. I’ve also never met this guy, don’t know how old he is, don’t know what he looks like.

Although the conversations seem innocent, it seems like she randomly texts him just to start a conversation, often tells him about her school drama, etc. It also seems like they spend lots of time at school together, playing some card game. She has even left dinner with me early to go back to the school and play cards with him.

She invites him to spend one on one time, whether it’s at school, at the bar, or wherever. When her parents came into town, she even invited this guy to the bar with her and her parents. Further, she baked cookies for this guy. She loves to bake, and I remember her one day baking a type of cookies she had never baked before.

While I assumed she was baking them for a party she was going to that night, the texts showed me that she baked them just for this guy. What makes it worse is the fact that she went out of her way to do it — I had the car that night, so she walked to the store in the RAIN to get the ingredients, baked the cookies, and brought them over to his apartment where she stayed for two hours.

She did go to the party afterward but only stayed for a few minutes to say hi to a few people and left. One thing I’ve been a bit insecure about is the fact that my profession doesn’t pay that great. She lived a very privileged lifestyle through her parents before meeting me, and she is in grad school for a profession that generally pays significantly more than mine — like 5x what I make.

She will make more in her summer internship than I make in a year. This guy she is texting is in the same profession. Reading these messages made me feel sick to my stomach. I just wanted to post here to see if this sounds fishy to anyone else. I’m not sure if anything physical has happened, but she has crossed some boundaries either way. How should I handle this?

TL;DR: wife is crossing major boundaries with a guy at her school.

Redditors jumped on with their thoughts and responses.

Red_Crane_lives wrote:

Your wife clearly has at least a huge crush on this guy. She’s chasing him. Leaving you to go spend time with him is really disrespectful. She introduced him to her parents when you aren’t there sounds like she’s setting him up as your replacement. Time to have a serious conversation with your wife. Might be painful, but she needs to come clean on her feelings.

FarkingShark wrote:

I have a feeling you're not going to leave her...but you should. At least have the talk with her that you think she is planning to replace you and is low-key dating this dude. If she chooses this guy over your feelings, then she's not worth being married to. Just move on now. 30 is still young and you can easily rebuild with someone who actually respects and loves you the same as you do them.

Witty-Stock wrote:

Raise the issue and ask her if she wants to pursue this guy and opt out of your marriage. If not, she needs to scale it way, way way back. Binary choice. Be ready to pack her bags for her. She’s already made her decision in all likelihood. It’s brutal and it sucks, but at least you don’t have kids with her.

StarAvenger wrote:

At 30 you can focus on building yourself up for the next ten years and then find someone who would respect you and would not require to clarify the basic rules of what constitutes a trusting and healthy relationship. You have no kids. Would you dump a girlfriend from this? Most likely. So what's holding you back? Just divorce her and move on.

And OP responded:

So you think this is enough to go ahead and divorce her without any solid proof? I wish I had more actual proof but the texts are genuinely innocent.

After receiving a lot of feedback, OP jumped on with a quick update.

ETA: The meetup with the parents never actually happened. She did try and get him to go to the bar but the plan fell through. Also, in reading the texts it seems like the guy tried to keep her at arms length at first — keeping conversations short and not engaging too much — but over time started to become much more receptive and interested in actually talking.

This has all happened over the course of about 5-6 months. I’m not paying for her school, just our living expenses for the most part. Although the conversations seem innocent, it seems like she randomly texts him just to start a comversation, often tells him about her law school drama, etc. It also seems like they spend lots of time at school together, playing some card game.

She has even left dinner with me early to go back to the school and play cards with him. She invites him to spend one on one time, whether it’s at school, at the bar, or wherever. When her parents came into town, she even invited this guy to the bar with her and her parents. One thing I’ve been a bit insecure about is the fact that my profession doesn’t pay that great.

She lived a very privileged lifestyle through her parents before meeting me, and she is in grad school for a profession that generally pays significantly more than mine — like 5x what I make. She will make more in her summer internship than I make in a year. This guy she is texting is in the same profession. I went all the way to the beginning of the thread.

The first issue is that this texting started when my wife asked a friend for this guy’s number and then started texting him randomly. Next, she is ALWAYS the one to text him first, and even when he stops responding she double texts him every single time. I’ve also never met this guy.

The internet held strong on their hot takes.

SandJFun74 wrote:

She is having an emotional affair at the very least. I think it is time to confront her. If she doesn't seem to really care or brushes it off. I think it is time to leave and divorce. If you do leave and divorce, cut contact 100% and move on. Find someone that loves you and would never disrespect you.

BackpackerFox wrote:

Dude I felt so sad reading this. You're in a really tough spot and usually I try to understand if there could be some misunderstanding, but everything you mentioned sounds like she's emotionally with this guy.

I'd do some serious introspection and have a conversation with her around insecurities, stress from law school / moving across the country, couples therapist, and if you can keep trusting her. Regardless, you should emotionally prepare yourself for both of you starting new chapters independently. Best of luck.

DicholasCage wrote:

So you had no idea about any of this prior to going through her phone, meaning she kept all of it from you? Completely unacceptable. She can’t be trusted and doesn’t respect you. Hate to be so blunt, but it sounds like she’s just “keeping you around” until she feels it’s the right time to commit to him, aka branch swinging.

It also seems like it’s only a matter of time before this goes sexual, though I would wager that it already has. You should move on and start over. Good luck brother.

The next day OP jumped on with a major update.

I was able to have a conversation with the guy she’s been texting. I got his number off her phone and just texted him saying, “hey this is ___ husband. I caught wind of what’s been going on between you two and just wanted to see if you’d be willing to be honest with me about what has happened.” He responded pretty quickly and was willing to meet with me for lunch in a public place, so we met.

He’s 23 and very good looking, I’ll give him that. When we met for lunch, I started the conversation by asking him if he could give me his perspective on what’s been happening between him and my wife. He started with a disclaimer that nothing physical has happened between them, and honestly I believe him. He seems like a decent guy.

He told me he respects me and never wanted to get involved with a married woman, and he started the story from the very beginning; Ill tell it as if he were telling it. It goes like this:

"I approached her at the beginning of school because I found her attractive. I don’t remember whether she was wearing a wedding ring - I’m not used to checking for that because most people my age generally aren’t married. But when I approached her she seemed very interested — absolute zero indication she may have been in a relationship."

"When she found out I had a post grad job offer, she was overly congratulatory. After talking to her more over the next few days, I asked for her Instagram, which she seemed hesitant to give, but she gave me her Instagram anyway. When I followed her I immediately realized she was married. I was floored due to her behavior, but I decided to fall way back"

"After falling back, I heard from some mutual friends that she seemed to be a bit offended that I stopped talking to her after finding out she was married. I found that a bit strange but whatever. Some drama transpired, so I went out of my way to avoid her for around a month or so, but after a while I felt the beef was a waste of my time."

"So I decided to give her a compliment to kinda communicate that I don’t mind being cordial with her. She seemed ecstatic about the compliment, and I heard from mutual friends that she was going around telling people that we were friends again. Found that strange also — I just wanted to be cordial."

"Anyways we made up, and shortly thereafter I got a random text message from her telling me that she got my number from someone else — third thing I found strange. The texts started pretty infrequent but gradually progressed to her texting me everyday, double texting and all."

She even seemed really pressed about me meeting her parents when they came into town — still am not sure what that was even about but I dodged the invite and it never happened. At this point it seemed she was very interested in me, but I wasn’t very responsive over text because she is married. Over time, however, my walls broke down slowly because I did enjoy the attention."

"She’s inviting me to hangout one on one, playing cards with me, offering me to bake cookies, etc. She told me how upset she was over the fact that apparently you two had planned a trip for Thanksgiving to see her friends but didn’t end up going because of a tight budget. She also told me that she would sleep on the couch a lot."

"We didn’t talk much over final exams due to being busy, and we didn’t really talk much over winter break. However, at the start of this new semester, the texting all day everyday and double texting came back full force. At this point I kinda felt like she actually liked me and was pursuing me, but again I enjoyed the attention."

"She baked me the cookies the first week of school, brought them over and sat on my bed for two hours, but nothing physical happened — she honestly didn’t seem interested in sex at all, even though I kinda wanted it to happen at that point. But here we are now. She still texts me everyday and honestly it has become more frequent than ever before. That’s the end of the story."

This seems pretty consistent with the messages I read. I don't really know what to think of this, but it kinda seems like she’s playing the long game with him in order to get him to fall in love with her so she can leave me. I appreciate the guy’s willingness to meet with me, and honestly I believe what he is telling me.

Seems like this is beyond the point of no return. I still plan on talking to her tomorrow, but I think this is it for me. I don’t think there’s really anything she can say that will change my mind at this point. It’s over. I’ll give an update if I feel up to it.

TL;DR: I met with the guy she’s been texting, relationship likely over.

Redditors were emotionally invested in the update.

TheSportingRooster wrote:

If no kids are involved I wouldn’t hesitate to end it if I were you.

Wide_Ad513 wrote:

I would call a divorce attorney first thing Monday morning. She has put in a lot of effort to create her exit plan. She doesn't want to be out in the world single, so she's solidifying a relationship to step into as she steps out of yours.

My advice is to end the relationship as soon as possible. File for separation and serve her divorce papers as soon as possible. Don't give her the opportunity to control the exit. If you do, she will do the same to him in the future.

supermaria- wrote:

I think you're right about the he wants him to fall in love to her.

I'm sorry OP, I think she's making a plan for everything before leaving you. Update us please!

coffeeandpopcorntv wrote:

Even if she doesn't get physical with him now, it's only a matter of time before she does because she's already shown you that she doesn't respect you. How will she be in 10 years when she has work colleagues she gets close to and spends even more time with them.

Two days later, OP jumped on with another major and final update.

I had the talk with her yesterday, and it’s over, as crazy as it is. The guy actually didn’t give her any heads up that we met, which I appreciated. Basically, I sat her at the dining room table and started by telling her that I heard what’s going on between her and “____.”

When she asked what I was talking about, I kinda just went through all the highlights of the emotional affair -- highlighting the cookies situation, meeting the parents, incessant texting, disguising him as just a friend, etc. When I told her that it seemed to me as if she was obsessed with the guy, maybe even in love with him, and seemingly planning for my replacement, she immediately broke down crying.

I almost felt bad but kinda didn’t at the same time. She then told me that she only did it bc she liked the attention and nothing more, and that she would cut him off immediately. I shook my head. She offered to find a couple’s therapist — while still belligerently crying — and I told her it seems like we’re past that point already.

Didn’t really care whether she slept with the guy or not, this emotional situation was enough for me. Told her I’ll be contacting an attorney this week and that she should do the same, and I walked out the door with her chasing me. I didn’t even have anywhere to go, but I needed to just leave before she tried to convince me any further to stay. Didn’t wanna hear any BS.

Received dozens of calls and texts while I was gone, and when I came back she just seemed devastated still. Got calls from her parents today as well, which I ignored. I haven’t kicked her out the house or anything, not really sure what I want to do about that yet, I don’t want her to be this guy or anyone else’s burden. I’m just feeling kinda lost at this point. It’s truly wild how abruptly this just ended after all this time.

I moved to this state solely to support her, and now I’m just… here. Majority of my friends and family are across the country. Maybe I should’ve seen the writing in the wall — our relationship wasn’t perfect, I’ve been pretty busy over the last year or so with work, and it seems like she took every chance she could to go to every single school party/outing she could without even inviting me 95% of the time.

She was never home, and every time I asked any questions, she would chalk it up to “studying.” How could I really argue with that when she’s in grad school? It may not be entirely her fault, but I’m glad I’m getting out of this before it got any worse.

Three years isn’t a crazy amount of time, and now it’s time to go find myself again. This does suck though. Thank you all for your support. It really has helped me come to terms with this ending.

Redditors had OP's back all the way.

isitallfromchina wrote:

Bro, you set the bar for how these things should be handled and choosing character over vanity.

Best of luck man.

tmink0220 wrote:

There is a reason people don't stay after these circumstances. The trust is broken. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. I don't want to baby sit someone's morals, or be that insecure and fearful. I would a bad partner and often these people will cheat again. Not worth it. Go to attorney, you will have months afterward. Go to counseling. You have time to figure it out.

Lumpy-Prior3261 wrote:

At least you did the right thing I get so sick and tired of alot of people saying "well we are going to get through this together I guess " the 2 or 3 even 5 years down the road the past again saying "well it's over I can't do this anymore " It would work in a perfect world but we all live in a place that's not perfect. It wouldn't work I know I divorced my ex wife 27 years ago for cheating.

I tried but this was before cell phones and all the good things like Reddit But you would be lying to yourself if you thought for one minute she is saying what she does because she got caught. If not it would still be going on. And you know it she does to she would have taken it to the grave or until she left you to be with the potato head.

They can have each other you're better than both of them. Find yourself a good woman down the road you deserve the best.

Goos_Web_2525 wrote:

I am proud of you, cheer up and hold your head high. It hurts, because it's the right thing to do. She made her decisions and you must start building for yourself.

Hopefully, OP is able to move onto green pastures now that this chapter is closing.