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Woman wants to give BF of four years ultimatum about contacting ex. Is she wrong?

Woman wants to give BF of four years ultimatum about contacting ex. Is she wrong?

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One of the most complicated parts of dating someone in adulthood is navigating both of your pasts. While past relationships can help shape your partner into the loving person they are, a constantly hovering ex can deeply sour the mood.

Finding the line between letting your partner handle their business, and speaking up about uncomfortable dynamics can be really complicated. Which is why outside perspectives can be so helpful.

In one post on the Someecards AITA Facebook group, a woman asked if she'd be wrong to give her partner an ultimatum about his ex.

She wrote:

AITA. I (46f) have been dating my partner (53m) for 4 years and he moved in with me 3 years ago. He split up with his wife before we got together but they still lived in the same house as he couldn’t afford to move out and still pay the mortgage / bills etc. I’ve not met his kids and he won’t tell his ex-wife we are together as he doesn’t want to upset her or the kids.

She’s under the impression that he is just renting a room until he can afford to move out. I have broached the subject of him telling her he’s moved on, me meeting the kids and asked him if he’s going to divorce her. Currently, he goes back to their family home whenever he wants to see the kids, or be there when she’s not including staying overnight in what used to be their family home / bed.

He still also buys her expensive Christmas and birthday gifts and this year I found out he also bought her a Valentines card and gift which he claims was purely platonic (I called BS).

This all makes me very uncomfortable as I believe he’s leading us both on, it’s as if he doesn’t want to be with her, they used to argue terribly all in front of their kids which isn’t healthy, as some one who grew up in a home like that I can attest to!

What I want to know if AITA for giving him an ultimatum, either deal with things with his ex-wife, let her know he’s moved on and actually move on or it’s time for him to leave and I’ll get on with my own life. Please be kind, I’m feeling fragile at the minute!

Edit: For those who’ve asked his kids are 6 and 12m. Apologies children are 6 and 12-year-old males!

The post quickly gained traction, and lots of people chimed in with thoughtful responses.

Gemma H wrote:

NTA. Honestly, I'd not even bother with the ultimatum, he's made it clear what his priorities are. I fully understand him prioritizing time with his kids ofc. My son's dad comes over once a week to see him, doesn't stay the night, we're both in other relationships and get on well.

I'd not have him stay overnight, even if I wasn't in the house and I'd definitely not be receiving expensive gifts or Valentine's stuff. Seems a little fishy. And after four years most couples would very much be out in the open and have met the kids, even if it was in a neutral setting and not in your home.

Melody Y wrote:

I live with my ex-husband. And I have been with my bf for over a year he has not met my son or the ex. I keep my life private.

I dunno if it works it works. He maybe avoiding his ex-wife from freaking out and keeping the kids from him. Also, my ex-husband buys me expensive shit all the time. we are a family unit no matter what. However, I do have my own room and my own bed. So him sleeping in the same bed is definitely weird

Mel D wrote:

I stopped reading after the four years relationship and he STILL won't admit you exist. This is beyond disrespectful.

Tracey P wrote:

NTA. You absolutely CANNOT have your cake and eat it too. He needs to sort out his marriage and his children's lives before he moves on. There is no future with him. Sorry.

Laura L wrote:

Um just so you know...you are the 'other woman'. He's married to her.

Caitlyn G wrote:

Honestly, those are some big red flags. I would cut ties. It's not like you guys are newly dating this has been years. You deserve better! Life is to short to be strung along like that.

It seems pretty clear where the lines in the sand are, hopefully, she's able to receive the support and love she deserves moving forward.

Sources: Facebook
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