Woman insists on having wedding in cave; sister says, 'You did that because you don't want me there.' AITA?
When this bride is annoyed with her sister, she asks Reddit:
"AITA for having our wedding in a cave which means my sister can’t come?"
My fiancé and I came her for more opinions. We both are getting married this year and our venue is in a cave system. We are both active explorers and this is our dream venue.
How it works is you will get married in the opening of the cave, then go down a set of stairs that bring you to a big open area in the cave. You then have the option to just stay in the area or do a cave tour.
It is extremely cool and guest can’t get into areas they are not suppose to due to gates that basically will sound an alarm if you go near them. Also they only allow a total of 15 guest, so small wedding.
Overall it is a very unique and we want to do this. We understand that when inviting people if they are not comfortable they will not attend. It is a unique experience and I am not pressuring anyone to go. Everyone we have invited seem to be cool about it. My mother is super excited.
I invited my sister, and she told me she can’t do it, that her claustrophobia would make it impossible. I told her that is okay and if she wants to see it we can record it or zoom the wedding. I don’t want her uncomfortable.
This is we’re the argument started she is pissed we would do a wedding she can’t do. She called me a huge jerk that I won’t change the wedding. I told her this is our dream wedding and we are not changing it.
I’m getting messages from people not invited that I am also a huge jerk. It’s a venue, not a random cave. Of course the venue has ways to handle disabilities just like ever venue. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
empraisajolo writes:
Did you know your sister is claustrophobic? You’re going to get a ton of people agreeing with you. I don’t think they are wrong to do so. It’s your wedding and your day and you should do what is best for you and your partner and your marriage.
That being said, I personally would value celebrating with my family over any venue. I would rather change a date and venue to have specific people by my side.
I can’t say you’re an A for feeling differently - all that matters is you having the day you want while accepting any relationship consequences that comes along with that.
And maybe you don’t feel differently - maybe your sister isn’t one of those people for you and that’s okay. This will likely damage your relationship with your sister.
It may even end the relationship entirely, because you are sending the message that she’s not important enough to you to want at your wedding.
It could also affect your relationship with your parents and other family members. If you are okay with any/all of that potentially happening then this is your call to make. You are allowed to do whatever you like but your sister and others are also allowed to be upset by your choice and make their own decisions accordingly. NAH.
tinytarax writes:
NTA. The reality is, your wedding day is about the union between you and your partner, and the setting should reflect the shared dream you both have for this important moment.
It's unfortunate that your sister's claustrophobia prevents her from being comfortable in a cave setting, but it's also important to recognize that your wedding location has meaning to you, and you’re not obliged to change it for someone else's comfort.
Family dynamics and emotions always add complexity to wedding plans. Though it's a tough situation, offering a Zoom link is a considerate compromise—it allows her to be part of the day without having to confront her phobia.
True, it's not the same as being there in person; however, it's a gesture that shows you care about her presence.
In the end, there's no perfect solution that will please everyone. It seems like whatever decision you make, someone will be upset. The key question is whether your dream wedding is worth the potential familial strife.
And if you’re prepared to accept the ramifications, then proceed with your plans and enjoy your day in the cave. Sometimes, standing firm in your decisions is necessary, even if it's not the easiest path.
quicklevy writes:
NTA. It's absolutely fair to want to have your wedding in a place that means something to you, even if it's an unconventional setting like a cave. However, it's also important to recognize that this comes with the understanding that not everyone will be able to attend due to various limitations.
As long as you're okay with your sister and potentially others not being able to be there, and you've considered alternative ways to include them in the celebration, then you're doing your part to balance your desires with being considerate.
Remember, it's about marrying your partner in a way that's special to you both. It’s also worth considering a separate, inclusive event, as others mentioned, to ensure everyone feels celebrated. Communication and empathy go a long way in these situations.
bean1934 writes:
NTA. I think people have a different idea of what the celebration of a union of two people in love is supposed to look like and represent. There are generally two camps when it comes to people and weddings:
A wedding is for everyone to celebrate you, it's for families to come together in symbolic joining of two households; the other is: a wedding is a romantic symbol of the binding of two people, it's intimate and personal.
But it is JUST A SYMBOL and not the important part of the whole idea - less emphasis on the celebrating and more on getting on with life. It's one of those situations which neither stance is wrong, it's just a matter of preference and perspective.
And it seems like you fall in the second camp. Small, simple, and a very personal wedding. I think it's pretty rude to ask anyone to change a wedding venue. I would f-g never have the audacity to ask for such a thing.
The only thing that would have made you an asshole in this situation is if you deliberately picked a cave system BECAUSE your sister is claustrophobic, which judging by your comments, you had no idea.
Please enjoy your wedding, and if you get some decent shots, throw 'em up somewhere, I would love to see a wedding in a cave!