Wanting to help people is a positive trait.
The world is tough, and one of us could get by if it wasn't for the help of our friends.
However, volunteering someone else's resources to help a friend is very different than helping them yourself.
AITAH for saying no to my boyfriend's friend moving in?
Me (27F) and my boyfriend (29M) share a 2 bedroom townhouse together. It's small but good for two people just starting. After I got home from work today my boyfriend lets me know he told his friend it's okay for him to move in until 'he gets back on his feet' he also let me know he told his friend he didn't have to pay anything towards bills.
I currently pay 80% of the bills in the house. I suggested he at least put money towards the groceries as adding another adult will change the weekly budget. He then lets me know his friend's four kids will be coming to stay (mind you in our small two bedroom townhouse) every other weekend. I explained to my boyfriend this greatly impacts our privacy.
I explained as a nurse working 12-16 hours days I like to come home and rest. I also value my home being a quiet place to relax. I also want to add his friend is not homeless he does have a place with roommates he just doesn't like them. He also makes more money than I do. So AITAH for not wanting him and his kids (part-time) to move into our place?
UnNecessaryMountain had some questions:
NTA, your BF wants to have his friend stay but contribute nothing, despite having the means to do so, he also wants the friend's children to stay 2 weekends a month? 4 of them? In a 2 bed house with both rooms occupied?
How long before you get thrown out of your room for them, or left to babysit them, feed them? This situation is gonna end in tears and serious fighting. You need to sit your boyfriend down and have a serious discussion about this.
OP jumped in a comment with some answers:
He tried to justify it as he would be saving to move into a new place to leave faster. I told him no when he asked and he said I was being selfish. I feel like I’m putting up my boundaries and wanting my personal space respected.
NTA and wtf. Your bf only pays 20% of everything and thinks he can unilaterally decide this? No just no. Put your foot down and clearly say No.
NTA. This is absurd. Each detail you've given makes it even more ridiculous. Your boyfriend and his friend need to get a place together.
OP jumped in with another comment for further clarification:
Well...that was my exact thoughts. If my input doesn’t matter in the home then I’ll find a new home where my input is the only one. He just made me feel horrible for saying no and being mad about it so I had to make sure I didn’t seem like an AH for saying no.
NTA - DO NOT LET HIM MOVE IN. And if your bf lets him move in then you should let your bf know that you will only pay 1/3 of the bills from now on and the rest is between them too.
amyw95 had some thoughts and questions:
NTA and confused as to why you would think you're the a**ehole. Obviously, it's nice to help out your friend who's going through a rough patch, but if you're paying 80% of the bills then it's basically your house.
The fact that your boyfriend didn't even think to ask you before telling his friend that he could move in and have his 4 kids(!!!!) stay every weekend is insane. And his friend isn't even going through a rough patch!
He could get a motel or something if things are that unbearable at home, or at least offer to pay half your rent since he'd be taking up half the house. Also, if your boyfriend's friend thinks that one bedroom in a 2 bedroom townhouse is a suitable place to house his 4 children on a regular basis, then he probably shouldn't have any custody of them. Are they going to sleep on the floor? That's so unfair on those kids.
Your boyfriend is an arsehole (and possibly gaslighting you if you honestly think you might be an arsehole for not agreeing to this tbh), and your boyfriend's friend is an a**ehole for even considering asking his 4 children(!!!!) to sleep in some random person's small house on the floor on a regular basis.
Well at first I didn’t think I was the AH and then after being told how horrible it was I wasn’t willing to be more flexible and sounding rude for ‘not wanting to give up being able to relax after work’ I felt bad and kinda selfish.
OP's comment inspired a concerned reply:
Obviously, I don't know you or your relationship but that sounds like gaslighting. Are there other things that your boyfriend tells you that you're 'horrible' for, things that seemed reasonable to you at first? Your boyfriend's actions are completely unreasonable.
No one in their right mind would invite their friend to stay for even a few days without checking with the other people they live with (unless it was an emergency) never mind inviting them for an indefinite amount of time when they have 4 children.
Never mind if the person you live with is your significant other who you supposedly love and care about, and never mind if you're not even paying your fair share of the rent.
I can't express to you how ridiculously unreasonable that is. If he's making you doubt that, then that's a huge red flag IMO. I think you should have a good think about your relationship and discuss it with a friend that actually knows you rather than strangers on the internet because I'm actually concerned for you.
Clearly, OP is the furthest thing from an AH in this situation, and her relationship might need to go.