'AITA for asking my boyfriend to charge his family member for fraud?' UPDATED
"AITA for asking my boyfriend to charge his family member for fraud?"
Backstory, I (27F) and my boyfriend (34M) have been together 5 years and have worked really hard to save for a house. 2 weeks ago we fell in love with a house and we put down an initial deposit to hold the property. (The house won’t be built until the end of the year)
We have been in talks with a mortgage broker and the builder's finance people. Last week we received some shocking news when my boyfriends credit score came back as being bad. There was activity on the statement that was 100% not his and a credit card that has gone into default over the last 6 months.
This credit card was originally my boyfriend's, but he swears he closed the account and cancelled the card mid last year. Long story short we discovered that a family member that was living with him a few years ago has gotten ahold of the card at some point and has been using the card on and off for over 6 months.
They defaulted on payments earlier in the year, but payed this off, then defaulted again and the account is still in default and over $5000 is owed in charges and late fees. Charges for shopping, news agency, take away food and pubs (gambling).
My boyfriend has had zero knowledge of this as he hasn’t had access to the account after he “closed” it, and hasn’t been receiving statements or notices from the bank, the family member has diverted these to their address. We’re now unable to successfully apply for a bank loan for our house as they won’t lend to my boyfriend with his credit the way it is. Our options are to:
1. Proceed with fraud investigations and charges in the family member allowing us to prove this is of no fault of my boyfriend's and successfully secure the loan. Or,
2. Boyfriend pays the debt and we wait at least 2 years from the pay off date for his credit to regain some loss. Option 2 sets us back at lease 3 years in starting a family and our lives as home owners.
This will also not allow my boyfriend to secure a bank loan to start up his own business he’s been dreaming of starting for a few years, this was the year he planned on. This has devastated us and put a massive delay in our plans.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. But is this really someone you want to build a life with, having this kind of baggage? He’s willing to pay off a debt incurred by someone fraudulently and not even address it with that person. What happens if this person does it again?
He’s already taught them there’s no consequences if they spend money they don’t have. And then it will be tied to you as well. You need to think long and hard about whether this is something you want to deal with long term.
I do think it’s odd he’s willing to pay for it and not address it with the person that incurred the debt. Are you sure the person didn’t have permission to keep using it as long as they paid the bill?
thr0w4w4ylife OP:
I have had these exact thoughts and am still battling with myself on what decision I make going forward. Because I agree, I’m not willing to let this person potentially do this again and it become my Issue.
My boyfriend swears to me he had no knowledge of this. He wouldn’t have agreed to let this family member use the card as he knows this person isn’t good with money.
NTA - where was this family member’s compassion when they stole and defaulted your husband’s credit card? Were they thinking about you guys? You should sue him and go ahead with your plans. They had it coming!
thr0w4w4ylife OP:
I agree, there is clearly no compassion. They wouldn’t have even thought about the consequences for my boyfriend and me. One of them being we were going to try for a baby mid next year before completion of our house.
Been there, done that with a family member destroying my credit, stealing money out of my bank accounts, writing bad checks, stealing my engagement & wedding ring to pawn it (I had to pay to get out on the last day).
He needs to a report in order to fight with credit agencies & attempt to get these debts resolved. Also place a fraud alert & lock his credit reports so no one else can use his identity. NTA
thr0w4w4ylife OP:
We have already put a lock on his credit so no more charges or enquiries can be added to his account. This person has also used my BF identity to apply for pay day loans. The credit card account has been locked also and card has been frozen.
I feel right now it’s still really fresh, we’ve know all of 2 days. I don’t think my bf is thinking clearly. Because it’s not just the credit card lowering his score it’s all the other enquiries that have been made too. He needs the fraud report evidence to fight the rest too
OP came back and added this:
My boyfriend doesn’t like conflict and is going with option 2. He isn’t even planning on mentioning anything to the family member. He wants it to all go away and thinks this family member is going through a rough time.
I want my boyfriend to proceed with fraud charges and investigation. We have worked too hard to not have our dream house and him owning his own business. So AITA for pushing my opinion on my boyfriend?
Almost a month later OP returned with an update:
I want to begin by thanking everyone for their advice on my original post. There were some really constructive strategies and words of advice. I spoke with my boyfriend about my concerns and was honest with him that things he was telling me didn’t all make sense.
He was adamant he didn’t know anything about the credit card or the apparent enquiries on his credit account about pay day loans. My boyfriend is still refusing to open any fraud investigations against his family member and has said he will pay off the debt himself. But.. Some other things came out during our conversation that he was hiding from me.
Lying has been a big issue of his during our whole relationship. In the past I have forgiven him for his lies but I can’t keep forgiving the same issue every few months when he promises to change, but we’re in the same spot every few months. (And I’m not talking little lies, I’m talking big lies and even bigger lies to cover up those lies) - I know I’m stupid for giving him the benefit of the doubt -
So in saying this ….
My boyfriend is now my ex boyfriend.
When I spoke with my boyfriend about my concerns above he ended up picking up his bag and walking out on me and drove away. That was the last time I seen him in person. This is how this man delt with an issue in our 5 year relationship.
We haven’t spoke much since but I have definitely resigned to the fact my relationship is over. I think he is expecting me to forgive him like all the previous times. I have packed up his stuff and will return it to him. There is a good ending to this story tho.
I spoke with my mortgage broker and the housing developers. I can’t afford the original townhouse I fell in love with alone but a smaller townhouse that I also loved came available and I’ve been approved for this one. I paid my deposit 3 days before my birthday last month!! I bought a house by my self!!
Here's what people had to say after the update:
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Congratulations! You bought a house AND got rid of excess baggage!
You will LOVE owning your own space. Literally and metaphorically.
thr0w4w4ylife OP:
Thank you! I’m looking forward to it
Who was the family member in original post? Cousin, sibling, parents? Just curious! Glad things are good now
thr0w4w4ylife OP:
It was either his dad or his brother
Congrats on your home purchase!! Your ex did you a favor! Now you can start fresh.
thr0w4w4ylife OP:
Thank you! Yes that is true, slightly scary starting again after being in a 5 year committed relationship I don’t know who I am outside of the relationship 🤣
Yes you do, you’re someone who can spot lies and garbage a mile away! You’re also someone who doesn’t stand by and takes matters into her own hands. I’m happy he left, because now you have your own house!!! You’ll find someone better who doesn’t need to lie to keep you around for 5 years girl!!!
thr0w4w4ylife OP:
Thanks!! You’re so right. I’m so ready to get on with life without being lied to and constantly being sceptical of everything