Here's the original post:
Backstory, I (27F) and my boyfriend (34M) have been together 5 years and have worked really hard to save for a house. 2 weeks ago we fell in love with a house and we put down an initial deposit to hold the property. (The house won’t be built until end of 2022)
We have been in talks with a mortgage broker and the builders finance people. Last week we received some shocking news when my boyfriends credit score came back as being bad. There was activity on the statement that was 100% not his and a credit card that has gone into default over the last 6 months.
This credit card was originally my boyfriends but he swears he closed the account and cancelled the card mid 2019. Long story short we discovered that a family member that was living with him a few years ago has gotten ahold of the card at some point and has been using the card on and off since 2019.
They defaulted on payments in early 2020 but payed this off, then defaulted again in December of last year and the account is still in default and over $5000 is owed in charges and late fees. Charges for shopping, news agency, take away food and pubs (gambling).
My boyfriend has had zero knowledge of this as he hasn’t had access to the account after he “closed” it, and hasn’t been receiving statements or notices from the bank, the family member has diverted these to their address. We’re now unable to successfully apply for a bank loan for our house as they won’t lend to my boyfriend with his credit the way it is. Our options are to:
1. Proceed with fraud investigations and charges in the family member allowing us to prove this is of no fault of my boyfriends and successfully secure the loan. Or,
2. Boyfriend pays the debt and we wait at least 2 years from the pay off date for his credit to regain some loss. Option 2 sets us back at lease 3 years in starting a family and our lives as home owners.
This will also not allow my boyfriend to secure a bank loan to start up his own business he’s been dreaming of starting for a few years, this was the year he planned on. This has devastated us and put a massive delay in our plans.
My boyfriend doesn’t like conflict and is going with option 2. He isn’t even planning on mentioning anything to the family member. He wants it to all go away and thinks this family member is going through a rough time.
I want my boyfriend to proceed with fraud charges and investigation. We have worked too hard to not have our dream house and him owning his own business. So AITA for pushing my opinion on my boyfriend?
Here's what top commenters had to say:
NTA. But is this really someone you want to build a life with, having this kind of baggage? He’s willing to pay off a debt incurred by someone fraudulently and not even address it with that person. What happens if this person does it again?
He’s already taught them there’s no consequences if they spend money they don’t have. And then it will be tied to you as well. You need to think long and hard about whether this is something you want to deal with long term.
I do think it’s odd he’s willing to pay for it and not address it with the person that incurred the debt. Are you sure the person didn’t have permission to keep using it as long as they paid the bill?
Been there, done that with a family member destroying my credit, stealing money out of my bank accounts, writing bad checks, stealing my engagement & wedding ring to pawn it (I had to pay to get out on the last day).
He needs to a report in order to fight with credit agencies & attempt to get these debts resolved. Also place a fraud alert & lock his credit reports so no one else can use his identity. NTA
NTA. If it was me I'd think long and hard about staying w him if he chooses 2. He'll always be a doormat.
Update: I want to begin by thanking everyone for their advice on my original post. There were some really constructive strategies and words of advice.
I spoke with my boyfriend about my concerns and was honest with him that things he was telling me didn’t all make sense.
He was adamant he didn’t know anything about the credit card or the apparent enquiries on his credit account about pay day loans. My boyfriend is still refusing to open any fraud investigations against his family member and has said he will pay off the debt himself. But.. Some other things came out during our conversation that he was hiding from me.
Lying has been a big issue of his during our whole relationship. In the past I have forgiven him for his lies but I can’t keep forgiving the same issue every few months when he promises to change, but we’re in the same spot every few months. (And I’m not talking little lies, I’m talking big lies and even bigger lies to cover up those lies) - I know I’m stupid for giving him the benefit of the doubt -
So in saying this ….
My boyfriend is now my ex boyfriend.
When I spoke with my boyfriend about my concerns above he ended up picking up his bag and walking out on me and drove away. That was the last time I seen him in person. This is how this man delt with an issue in our 5 year relationship.
We haven’t spoke much since but I have definitely resigned to the fact my relationship is over. I think he is expecting me to forgive him like all the previous times. I have packed up his stuff and will return it to him. There is a good ending to this story tho.
I spoke with my mortgage broker and the housing developers. I can’t afford the original townhouse I fell in love with alone but a smaller townhouse that I also loved came available and I’ve been approved for this one. I paid my deposit 3 days before my birthday last month!! I bought a house by my self!!
TLDR: I broke up with my lying boyfriend of 5 years and celebrated by buying my own house!
Congrats to the happy, boyfriend-free homeowner!!!! We love a happy ending.