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'AITA if I break up with my fiancé because of his past as cheater?' UPDATED

'AITA if I break up with my fiancé because of his past as cheater?' UPDATED


"WIBTAH if I break up with my fiancé because of his past as cheater?"

Here's the original post:

TW: miscarriage

I (25F) met my fiancé, Jamie (34M) a year ago through a friend. We instantly clicked and started dating. After 1 year he proposed to me and I said yes. But here is the thing. Before proposing he told me the truth about his past relationship. He was married to a woman, Cynthia 3 years ago and they divorced because he started cheating on her with a coworker.

He regrets ever doing that. He has been on a healing journey from that. He has told me that the affair was a mistake and that he would never do it again. He just wants to be honest with me before we take this relationship to the next level. I understand what he meant. He is obviously remorseful and I have seen his ex-wife. She seems happier with someone else.

And everyone makes mistakes or take decisions that they regret. I trust him and love him a lot. But I can't shake off this feeling that he would do this to me. This started when he was being secretive about his phone. He would smile at the screen often. I asked him what it is, he just showed me his phone and he was looking at a meme.

He probably sensed that I was doubting him. So he let me check his phone. There was nothing in there. But still I couldn't trust him. Few days after our engagement he had a work party. He took me to that party as well. I saw that he was being a bit friendly to some woman. I went there and introduced myself.

Later I got to know she was the same girl he cheated with. I confronted him about it. He said that he doesn't talk to her. They broke up shortly after their divorce. And he cannot avoid her because he worked with her. I told him I am not comfortable with him hanging out with someone who was his mistress.

He respected my decision and as far as I know he has not contacted her outside of work. I know I have no reason to doubt him. He doesn't give off any signs of infidelity yet I have a hard time trusting him. He is loving and caring. He supports me and my dreams. He is patient and kind. I know it is unfair of me to judge him based on just that.

Few weeks ago, a friend of mine asked me to meet her and she told me the whole truth about Jamie. She knows Cynthia because she and her brother were college friends. She told me to be careful of Jamie because he cheated on his ex-wife. I told her I already know that.

She further told me he started cheating on Cynthia right after she had a miscarriage. He was upset that Cynthia was depressed and he started to feel neglected. After talking to my friend I confronted Jamie. He told me this was the truth. He was still in grief because he lost his child. He didn't know what he was thinking.

He started to feel resentful towards her but he never meant to hurt her. I asked him that I need a break from all of this. It is just too much for me. He said he understands and I still haven't talked to him. I don't know if I should break up with him just because of this. He does feel guilty about it. But he is really nice and mature. Will I be making a mistake if I break up with him?

Edit: I think I should mention that he never said anything about a miscarriage. He just told me they had a tragic accident which made both of them distant. I didn't ask because he said he doesn't want to talk about it.

Also I am still not fully sure if he regrets the cheating because he never confessed to cheating to his wife. His wife caught him in the middle of the act inside their house. So, this has been a bother that he got caught and probably feels guilty for that. I don't know.

Do you think she should stick around and try to learn how to trust him? Or should she see his past as a huge red flag, and run? Here's what top commenters had to say:

pro-brown-butter said:

Don’t marry people you have known for a year. Especially people who are known cheaters. There is absolutely no reason to rush things if you don’t trust him, slow things way down if you want to try to work things out but also someone being a cheater is absolutely a valid reason to dump them

luella27 said:

He didn’t tell you the whole truth, he told you the part he could most easily put a spin on and made you pry the ugly details out of him when other people sought you out to warn you. He may say he’ll never cheat again, but he still sees lying by omission and running interference as solutions to his problems, and that should give you massive pause.

LadyAshGray said:

He is still in contact with this mistress. Red flag. He still works with mistress. Red flag. He never told you the full story about the cheating. Red flag. He is not reliable in times of need. He sought another woman while his wife was in one of the deepest hell a woman can be in.

Ask yourself, if something traumatic happened to you, will he A: be there for you or B: seek out his own comfort? Let his history guide you and you will see your potential future. You need to step away from this 30 year old cheating divorcee. He is a red flag

dontwantone13 said:

That's a hell of a lot of baggage for you as a 25 year old. You wouldn't be an asshole if you left. It doesn't sound like you're on a level playing field and he doesn't sound like the kind of guy that would adjust to you when times get hard.

Cybermagetx said:

He lied by omissions. He still in daily contact with his AP. He still friendly with her. Major red flags.

It looks like commenters were on to something, because the woman later posted this whopper of an update:

I analyzed all the things you guys said. Some of you all have told me to forgive him because apparently a man's cheating is not a big deal because men can't control themselves. That was hilarious. As if that is going to help me. Anyways, I talked to him.

I explained that his past bothers me. I mean he cheated on his wife when she was going through something so traumatic. I brought up the fact that I am also in high risk when it comes to pregnancy. I told him I cannot fully trust him that he will not cheat on me as well.

He told me he has learned his lesson from the previous time. When his infidelity got exposed he had people around him calling him a monster. His parents still don't talk to him directly. He feels guilty because of it and regrets it.

Then I told him that maybe we should date more rather than rushing into marriage and maybe to go couple's counseling. That's when he got slightly mad. He said that if I don't trust him then there is no point in being together. I tried to fight and say it is not like that. We just need sometime.

He has to understand that. He told me again that it was not fair for me to judge him when he never judged me because of my past. I asked what he means by that. He pointed out that he knows how in the past I used to sleep around a lot.

Ok, let me be clear to you, yes when I was in college I did have few ons and few serious relationships. I told him he was being illogical because even though I have a sexual history, I never cheated on any of my boyfriends. I always called it quits when I realized it was not meant to be.

He kept pressing the matter and says I should let it go because he let go of my past (wtf?). I said my past is in the past. And now I am thinking about my future and he is so pathetic to even compare his immoral cheating with my past. He argued that I was immoral too. It felt like a dead end road. We both shouted and fought and eventually I took the ring off and said goodbye.

The last thing he said that his past and baggage aren't as big as mine and that I am a hypocrite for judging him. That I will have a hard time finding a partner who is willing to be with someone like me. It hurts tbh. I never thought he would act like that. I am trying my best to move on by still stuck in a limbo and his words are repeating inside my head.

Yikes. Sounds like she dodged a big ol' cheating bullet.

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