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'AITA for leaving my fiancée because she tried to keep her kids away from their father?'

'AITA for leaving my fiancée because she tried to keep her kids away from their father?'

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'AITA for leaving my fiancée because she tried to keep her kids away from their father?'

I (36m) have been in relationship with my fiancée (36f) for three years now. She has two kids that she shares custody of with her ex-husband. We are supposed to get married early next year.

I have met her ex-husband and they seem to have good relationship and co-parent very well. I never really knew much about their divorce, other than that they drifted apart.

He drunk-dialed me about a week ago to tell me that she ruined his life and good luck with her. I called him next day to meet me and he came, he was very hesitant at first but then he told me what actually happened.

He cheated because she refused to sleep with him for 3 years. When she found out she understandably divorced him. But she went further and tried to gain full custody of her kids. He had to fight a custody battle for 2 long years and he was granted equal custody at the end, but it cost him a lot of money and stress.

He showed me all the documents and legal notices. She was just dragging it and making it as painful as possible for him. I could never guess because of how well they interacted with each other. I get that he was a cheater but I understand that not having s#@ for 3 years will test anyone's resolve.

Even then he is a good father and he should never have been treated like that. Most importantly I want to have kids too and I don't want to fight for 2 years for them if things went south.

I confronted my fiancée and asked her to tell me the full truth. Her excuse was the she was angry and did not trust her ex, that in her mind she was only trying to protect the kids.

She admits that she was wrong and has learned from her past mistakes. But it's too risky for me to marry a woman who can even think of taking kids away from their father. So I told her we should end it here.

I am moving out by end of this week. She has been distraught, begging me to not do it. Her mother even called me (I have only spoken to her once in my life before) and told me that she was just being a "mama bear and protecting her cubs" (her actual words) and kids do well with mother anyways. I don't agree with this sentiment. I am leaving. AITAH?

The top commenters weren't sure what to believe.

Roxywalker

NTA. But I’m going to assume that this was actually the final nail in the coffin, not the first. It would appear that you may have seen some red flags along the way and decided to meet up with her ex only because you were really curious because for most people, a drunk butt dial by an ex would have been ignored.

Now that you have their side of things, it’s confirmed most of what you probably suspected all along. Good for you for moving on quickly and not wasting each others time or going through with a wedding and marriage that would be doomed to fail.

OP responded:

I met her ex not because I doubted her. She has always been great. I met her ex because they have such a good relationship now. They are all smiles and rainbows with each other when they are together with kids.

So when her ex said that she ruined his life, I could not get it out of my mind. I thought about it all night before I made the decision to meet him

Practical_Reindeer23

Sounds like the ex husband is still hung up on the ex and created a divide between the two of you. You gave him exactly the opening he wanted. The fact you and fiance have never had a sit down about everything is weird to me.

I'm sorry but none of you sounds like mature stable adults and I feel bad for the kids and the upheaval you are all putting them in. All the adults here are the ah. Edit to add that this whole thing sounds made up and rage baitlike.

Soulful_Aquarius

Sounds more like you have been looking for an excuse to end the relationship

Some_ad_4033

I’m sorry, I’m going with ESH. Lack of communication all around. Sounds like young, dumb people who didn’t know how to properly navigate life and traumatic situations and didn’t know who to talk to one another. It sounds like there’s been a lot of growth on all sides, and I actually can’t believe this would be the sole reason for you to leave her. There are other things you’re not telling us.

Edited to add: it’s interesting OP didn’t ask ONCE why his fiance didn’t sleep w her ex in 3 years. In my experience, there’s ALWAYS a reason.

MerakiMe09

Why wasn't she having s@#? Was it because she had to take care of him like a 3rd child? Was it because he showed no effect towards her, etc. Cheating is NEVER the solution. Quite arrogant of him trying to play the victim.

That's his story. it doesn't make it true. People who use "my partner didn't want to have s%x," so I cheated, are weak and ignorant. You should have left her if you were unhappy not cheat.

Dischdunk

So ex just happened to show up for your discussion with all the court documents? I know I carry those around with me everywhere, but thought I was unique.

Minkiemink

OP listens to an ex. A guy who gets plastered enough to call his ex wife's fiancé to drunkenly babble. Instead of hanging up like anyone normal would do, OP decided to listen to the drunk and behind his fianée's back meets with the angry drunk...

OP then blindsides his fiancée with this crap. Bravo. Quite the betrayal.

Never asks her why no s#@ in 3 years. (Trust me, there is a good reason.... the ex being a drunk would be a good one, or cheating repeatedly), and instead of talking about this through counseling, or having more and calmer conversations with the woman he has been with for three years, does know and supposedly loves, OP just abruptly breaks off the engagement.....

Because of one conversation he had with a drunken ex he only knows having seen him from the sidelines a few times.

Ends a 3 year relation ship because of one conversation with a cheating drunk who ruined his own life, but blames his terrible choices on his former wife so then goes out of his way to try and ruin her life? Hey, OP is happy to help. The manly man that is OP who had to have had one foot out the door already, then runs off like a skunk without another word.

Sounds like her picker is broken and she has unfortunately fallen for the same kind of creep as the first one. She doesn't know it yet, but OP did her a favor. She dodged a bullet. I hope she gets over him soon. What a loser. YTA

Daisytru

Co-parenting is not going to be all smiles and rainbows now that ex has broken up the engagement. Who will suffer? The kids, of course!

Alwaysonthemove0516

Anyone else stuck on the part that he showed me all the legal documents and notices part of this? So they met up and the ex just happened to bring years worth of legal documents with him? 🤔

KRL1979

I heard a saying once (can't remember where).... Never marry someone you wouldn't want to be divorced from.

MeasureMe2

Yes. YTA. An ex drunk-dials you, and you arrange to meet with him? And you were gullible enough to believed him? Wow, just wow! What was your motivation to hear dirt on your fiance? Obviously the ex was purposely trying to put a monkey wrench in your relationship. And it worked.

However, it sounds to me like you were looking for an excuse to break it off anyway, and this was as good as any, so start a fight and move out. Why not grow a spine and just break it off? Her ex really got his revenge, didn't he? And your fiance dodged a bullet.

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