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'AITA for being offended that my boyfriend calculated how much he subsidized my life?' UPDATED

'AITA for being offended that my boyfriend calculated how much he subsidized my life?' UPDATED


"AITA for being offended that my boyfriend calculated how much he 'subsidized' my life?"

Background: my boyfriend of five years has always made more than I do, has paid most of (70%) the rent, buys all the groceries, and pays for the utilities. He paid my cell phone bill for years as well. He's a pretty smart guy and that's what drew me to him. I recently got a higher paying job closer to his salary, but I have credit card debt as well as student loan debt. He doesn't have any of those.

I have about $25k of credit card debt but the interest means it will take years to pay off. He offered to help by taking out a debt consolidation loan. He can get a low interest rate and it would lower my payment from $900/month to like $400/month. It means I'll be debt free in less than five years. The credit card debt is also the main reason I haven't been able to pay my full share of the rent and other expenses.

I felt uncomfortable accepting this and I told him I would think about it. Last night he came to me with a spreadsheet and he showed me that over the last five years we've been together, we've paid about $100,000 in rent, but only $20,000 of that was me. Groceries and utilities over the last five years come to about $30,000 all of which he paid.

He said: "Instead of getting a debt consolidation loan years ago, I've loaned you over $100,000 in subsidies and you're still in debt. Getting the loan is cheaper in the long run than continuing to subsidize your life."

To say I was shocked is the least of it. I told him that without my contribution he'd have had to carry the expenses by himself. He just shrugged and said he'd have moved to a one-bedroom on his own, or to a lower COL area and worked remote to lower his expenses. We're staying in the area because this is where my job prospects are best.

I feel like such a burden. If I knew he saw me as a living liability I would have ended it years ago. At the same time, he must care about me because he's offering a way to pay off my CC debt and putting his own credit on the line for me. I'm angry with him. I kicked him out. But I think I'm angrier at myself that I let it get this bad.

He did offer me this option in the second year we were dating. I got mad at him and told him he didn't have any faith in me. But it's been three years and my CC debt has barely gone down at all even though I make more money now. That's not even the worst of it. I want to get a car for myself since I can't drive his (he has a stick shift BMW that he loves).

He offered to trade in his car so that we could get one we can both drive. I'm worried he's going to resent me for giving up his car, but he made the same opportunity cost argument. It is cheaper in the long run to trade in his car than it is for me to finance a new one. So what do you think? AITA? It feels like he has zero faith in my financial acumen. Then again, I'm not sure he's wrong to be that way.

What so you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Celany said:

"respect my autonomy" and "my boyfriend pays for nearly everything" do NOT go together in this case (obviously, if he was using paying for things to try to force OOP to do things she didn't want, that would be a whole other matter). I am so glad that OOP's ex saw the light and dumped her. Damn. She sounds incredibly self-centered and shitty.

And it sounds like she has continued to make bad financial decisions, given the "it's been 3 years and my cc debt has barely gone down" comment coupled with how much her ex paid for...exactly WTF was she spending money on? Did she take any time during this period to become more educated about money and savings?

Because it sure doesn't sound like it, or like she has ANY financial acumen at all. I love that her final TLDR is "Pride has a price". No honey, that's not pride, that's being an a-hole.

MetricAbsinthe said:

I get her initial frustration because he's basically laying out facts that she doesn't like and a normal human reaction is to shoot the messenger. But damn if the more she tried to talk shit, the more financially intelligent he sounded.

"My bf made a financial forecast to show which decision was the more viable long term, was worried about the opportunity cost of our vehicle, and accepted steeper upfront costs of our living area to ensure a higher net income after that initial period of investment. But it made me feel self-conscious. What an asshole." He's basically acing the basics in accounting for managers course I had to take in college.

Lil-Chipmunk-3859 said:

People have been asking that this sub implement a wait period (posts/updates most be X months old, or the update shouldn't have happened within 24 hours of the first post, or similar arrangements). This fits neither. But I'm really glad its here because OP has already deleted her posts, and even if the original AITA post was saved by automod, I would have missed the update and TIFU otherwise

Nanidewhat said:

Oh my goodness, i wish someone would subsidise my life for the past 5 years... but oh well life goes on. She has no idea how lucky she was. I guess it's good thing that the guy finally let go of her...

Verdict: YTA. YTA. YTA.

She later shared these updates:

I am the a-hole. I texted him to apologize. I told him that I knew he was trying to help and that I appreciated all he'd done for me. He said he doesn't see a future with me and will be moving out once the lease ends in January. This AITA turned into a TIFU.

Update posted to r/TIFU:

Like the title says. I'm a huge screw-up who doesn't deserve a second chance. My boyfriend makes more money than me and has been paying most of our living expenses. I have $25k in credit card debt I've been trying to pay off.

He offered to get a personal loan because he has great credit and it would cut the interest rate by a lot. I would pay the loan off, but instead of $900 a month I'd be at like $395. I'd be debt free in five years instead of 20.

I blew up at him and told him he was showing that he didn't have faith in me. Then I told him to leave until he could respect my autonomy. Now I realize I screwed up because the only reason he offered to help was because he wanted a future with me. Once I refused it showed him that I didn't have the same goals as him. I called and texted to apologize but he's done with me. Tldr: pride has a price.

Sources: Reddit
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