'AITA for being uncomfortable about my fiancée spending the night with a coworker?'

"AITA for being uncomfortable about my fiancée driving 30 miles away to spend the night with a co-worker she just met?"

Here's the original post:

We are gay. Both female. Both 30. She got a job two months ago and made a friend pretty quick which was nice for her. They text all the time and get along. That’s obviously not the issue. I will call the coworker “H” The other day she says “hey, H needs a ride to work to I’m going to drive to (town 30 miles away) and sleep over. Her kids are gone for the night and nobody else can take her”

I said, “could you maybe just go get H and bring her to our house since you both work close to our house. She can stay in the spare room.” She said, “no. I want to go spend the night and if you’re uncomfortable then you’re just being insecure and jealous”

I said, “it’s not about that at all. We are 30. She is 26. You’ve known her for 8 weeks. I trust you. I’m not thinking that you’d cheat or anything. I’ve never even met her. She had managed to get to work before you came along. Now all of the sudden she needs you to spend the night while her kids are away? I am uncomfortable because we have been arguing lately and this seems like you just want to escape.

You have other friends you can go to if you need space. Why would you want to stay at a stranger’s house when it’s just unnecessary and your partner is uncomfortable? I am uncomfortable with this. There is a perfectly good compromise and she can totally stay here.” An argument ensued. She left anyway and said that I’m crazy and insecure.

I am BEYOND hurt. I feel betrayed. We are adults. Who has sleepovers like this? If we were a hetero couple and she was my boyfriend and my boyfriend wanted to stay at his female coworker house under these same circumstances I feel like EVERYone would think he is a completely a-hole. Please tell me if I’m wrong.

Do you think she's wrong to feel hurt and betrayed about this? This is what top commenters had to say:

Thrwforksandknives said:

NTA. Driving 30 miles to stay with a friend at her house when you (her S.O) have offered the spare room. That's definitely a red flag right there. And yes, I'd say in the very least she gets attached to people very quickly, and there is a reasonable suspicion that something intimate is going on.

pepper_puppy said:

NTA. Sleeping over at another adult's house is very weird. Especially a new coworker. Especially when their house is going to be empty. The fact that your SO got really defensive when you expressed your discomfort is a huge red flag too. Is this typical for her communication?

Wanp97 said:

NTA. She said, “no. I want to go spend the night and if you’re uncomfortable then you’re just being insecure and jealous” Tbh this sounds like her playing the victim in order to get away with this

Filitass said:

Your SO sounds pretty unreasonable. Yes, one could argue you are insecure and what not, but even if it were like that, that would be all the more reason to have a mature talk about it and not blow up in a childish argument like she did. You are 30, not 15.

You also offered a perfectly fine compromise, it is closer to work, you have a spare room. There is absolutely no (apparent) reason to spend the night there instead, even more so because H's kids aren't there anyways.

Her blowing up when you questioned the motives, insisting on spending the night there (with the kids gone) and insulting you on top of that makes it seem like something is up. Smells fishy. You need to have a talk when your SO is back, her behaviour is concerning.

You voiced your concerns and instead of coming back to you and talk about it, she used it as a weapon against you. Mental manipulation much, and it worked because you question yourself now. You are NTA. Don't question yourself, you did everything right. You voiced your concerns but you stayed calm, reasonable and gave a fine compromise.

Inflatedcat said:

Why was it so important for her to strain your relationship for the sake of giving a lift to someone she had known for 8 weeks? We can all agree there were other options to consider before the sleeping over solution.

1.) Uber / Taxi

2.) Use the same solution she had before your girlfriend came into the picture

3.) Make alternative arrangements with her children

4.) Sleep over at your place

5.) Why was it so important for your girlfriend to solve this problem? Why did she not sit down and discuss it calmly with you?

6.) Why didn’t she want to have her friend sleep over?

7.) Why didn’t she take your feelings into consideration?

Is this the kind of relationship you want? The lack of respect, lack of consideration and lack of communication coupled with prioritization of strangers non-urgent needs would make me reconsider the whole relationship.

ashhole502 said:

NTA. I'm bi, so gender is irrelevant to me. Multiple issues here -

1.) You two haven't been in a good place. It would be one thing if she were going to a longtime friend's house, but this is someone you do not know at all.

2.) The way she snapped at you was a huge red flag. She was defensive without you implying or accusing anything.

I would definitely be worried.

Verdict: NTA. Do you agree?