'AITA for refusing to cancel a trip with a female friend over my GF’s insecurities?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to cancel a trip with a friend over my gf’s insecurities?"
Here's the original post:
TLDR: I (26F) and my gf (30F) has been together for just over a year. A friend who I had one-sided feelings for 5 years ago, planned a trip together with me this weekend, we had invited my gf but she refused to go. Originally it was a trip of three friends. But the third friend backed out. My friend and I still want to go.
Everything is booked and paid for. — but once learning it’s gonna be a trip for two, my gf absolutely refuses for this trip to happen, and instantly told me to cancel.
I (26F) and Friend (27F) has been friends since middle school. Same high school. Same university. We had always been close friends. 5 years ago, I had developed feelings for her, and was promptly rejected. We were/are incompatible and she didn’t return my feelings.
We drifted apart for 2 years, I lived out of town for 3. — but my main little group of friends include my Friend. And she is still one of my closest friends (we had mended the friendship in the recent year).
For the longest time, we had always talked about taking a skating trip to another city close by. We had done it in first year university and had a great time. We wanted to go skating again. This year I’m finally back in town. We promptly planned it. Invited other people, but they were all busy, and one flaked out. We had invited my gf, she did not want to go.
Then we planned the trip for a later weekend in Feb, but my gf wanted to spend that weekend with me instead (even though we live together). And insisted on changing the date of the trip. So it was changed to this weekend. When my gf isn’t in town. —- my gf asked us to change it! And my Friend had to rearrange other plans in her life, as had I, to make it work.
Then the third friend flaked. I didn’t tell my gf. It just didn’t occur to me that she’d have a problem with this. I want to go on the trip. So what if it’s a two person trip instead? — but I didn’t neglect to tell her intentionally. I just didn’t think it’d be an issue with her. Gf never had insecurities about this Friend before.
Last night, she asked me again about the details of the upcoming weekend trip. Fair enough. I was honest. Clarified it was just gonna be two people. Instantly, gf freaked out. Went berserk. — saying this is a date instead. A two night three days date. That how could I do this to her. How could I betray her trust like that. — that this trip I’m taking is akin to cheating.
She instantly started to set rules and boundaries for my friend and I. Apparently I can no longer take the initiative to talk to her. I cannot hang out with her privately. I am to intentionally drift apart from my friend.
I’m flabbergasted. If I am going to cheat, or had the intention to, it’d be so easy to cover up. Gf isn’t in town. I don’t post on social media. She was even invited to the trip, and, we even changed the date because she wanted more time with me. — and WHY would I cheat??? If my heart and mind isn’t just set on my gf, I’d have just separated with her.
Just ‘cause I liked my friend for three months 5 years ago, I have to throw away the friendship and the trip? I can say, without any question, that it’s just pure friendship now. And I do not foresee anything festering. Friend is a friend.
I then refused to cancel the trip. And told my gf we should both reconsider our relationship. She instantly felt personally attacked and is blighted by “You are considering breaking up with me because of HER?”
No. I’m considering breaking up with you because of your unreasonable controllingness. Your lack of trust in me. And my sadness that you are forcing me to cut off a good friend.
She didn’t understand. And she couldn’t stand talking to me anymore. Deleted me via the chatting applications. Told me she will not consider Breaking up with me. I can consider alone. And tell her the results via email. So. Here I am. AITA?
What do you think? Is she being an AH for wanting to still go on the trip? Commenters were divided. Here are some of the top comments:
[deleted] said:
YTA. Dude, come on. You're going out of town alone with a girl you used to like. Are you telling me that if the roles were reversed you wouldn't be even a little suspicious?
mahouharu said:
ESH. Lacks communication and effort to understand each other's side.
ZhenHen said:
This is so NTA it hurts and it’s a shame that so many insecure people have decided YTA without really stopping to think about it. Sure OP had feelings for her close friend but assuming that she would act on it and not (at the very least) respect the friend’s feelings (let alone her gf) is very unfair and I don’t believe OP deserves the Asshole flair on this post
evilrobotlizard said:
Almost going to say NAH, until I saw this “she instantly stRted to set rules and boundaries for my friend and I. Apparently you I can no longer take the initiative to talk to her. I cannot hang out with her privately. I am to intentional drift apart from my friend.”
That is some seriously emotionally abusive crap. OP are you seriously okay with this girl being able to dictate who you’re friends with, who you can be ALONE with? That’s not insecurity, that’s her demanding that you give up an old friend. And I’ll tell you this from experience, it won’t stop with just her. Eventually she will try to purge everyone in your social circle you’ve ever even smiled a little too widely at.
TeamFreak said:
ESH. You're completely acting like her feelings don't matter. Come on, she has every right to be suspicious. I don't even know you and I'm suspicious. On the other hand its not fair to lay down "ground rules" like that. Everyone sucks here.
Cheeriodarlin said:
YTA. A two person trip is very different than a group trip. You didn't offer that up until asked. No wonder she doesn't trust you. Even the way you asked the question makes you an asshole. Let's rephrase this. AITA for refusing to cancel a trip with my former crush for just the 2 of us when I initially led my GF to believe it was a group trip??
She later shared this brief update on the situation:
Trip is cancelled. It’s gloomed over and I rather just wallow in sadness over the weekend. I cancelled because:
1.) With my gf’s outbursts. I cannot enjoy the trip.I no longer have her blessing.
2.) I need to work on my relationship with her. And if I go on this trip, there is no working left. I do not believe she will see past her own insecurities and see it’s just a skating trip.
So. That’s that. Thank you for all your comments.