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'AITA if I go on a female friend’s birthday trip even if my girlfriend isn’t invited?' UPDATED

'AITA if I go on a female friend’s birthday trip even if my girlfriend isn’t invited?' UPDATED


"WIBTA if I go on a friend’s birthday getaway even if my girlfriend isn’t invited?"

Here's the original post:

So Jess was my girlfriend’s friend first, and they’ve known each other a lot longer than I’ve known Jess, which is why my girlfriend is upset. However in the 2 years my girlfriend and I have been together, Jess and I have also become pretty great friends. We play video games together basically daily and usually hang out IRL together or with a group like 3-5 times a month.

So for Jess’ birthday she only wanted to bring along a small group of her closest friends, and it’s gonna be a 4 day vacation at her parent’s summer home. The plan is to do a ton of fun stuff: Disney, snorkeling, boat rides, etc.. She invited her brother, me, and 3 girls from her and my girlfriend’s friend group.

I was kinda surprised that she considered me to be one of her closest friends, but I guess it sorta makes sense when you consider that we technically spend a ton of time together just shooting the shit if you count just idling in discord calls while playing video games.

My girlfriend has felt pretty snubbed about not getting invited, especially since I was. I know that you’re supposed to listen with empathy, validate your partner’s feelings, and do all that good stuff, so I did. I said it was completely reasonable to feel hurt that you were being excluded.

However she thinks it’s “obvious” that I can’t go to “her own friend’s birthday without her,” and I don’t think that’s reasonable at all. I feel like her friendship with Jess and my friendship with Jess are separate things, and I’m just going to one of my friend’s birthdays that she’s not invited to, which is reasonable.

We’ve been arguing about this for a while now without making progress, and I really think I should be able to go and that I’d be missing out on a very fun time if I didn’t.

WIBTA if I went?

What do you think?! This is what top commenters had to say:

Twilly93 said:

I could obviously be wrong but it sounds like Jess might think of you more than just a friend and is using this to see where you stand. So you need to think about what matters more to you, your gf or Jess. YTA. Big time

Momofthewild-3 said:

YWBTA if you go. This is crossing a major line. Jess invited her brother, 3 female friends and you. She wants more than friendship and you know. So, if you want a new girlfriend - go. If you want to keep the one you have - stay. Jess knows what she is doing. And unless you are stupid so do you. You sound immature and selfish.

Missscarlettheharlot said:

Unless your gf is only barely friends with Jess her inviting just you was a huge dick move. You don't have to invite an SO you're not good friends with to a small thing, but to not invite a friend you were friends with first while inviting their partners, and a good chunk of the rest of their friend group?

That's not a slight, that's a pretty major fuck you to your gf. Unless Jess is the most clueless human on the planet its also very much intentional shit-disturbing, because nobody could be so clueless as to assume that wasn't going to cause issues between you and your gf. YWBTA if you went. You'd also likely be single.

Klute7 said:

YTA because you are completely disregarding your girlfriends feelings on this, and are being totally unreasonable about wanting to go. This “friend” Jess is playing the long game and trying to stir stuff up in your relationship which is totally working by the looks of it. You’re very young so I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt.

Jess is not a “friend” to you or your girlfriend. You’re welcome to go on this trip, but be prepared for the fallout with your relationship/friend group.

Dude1stPriest said:

If your girlfriend had your friend invite her on a 4 day trip with 3 other dudes and explicitly said you can't come what are you thinking is going on my guy?

Hydrent said:

This girl wants to sleep with you bro. YWBTAH.

Verdict: YTA.

It seems like he at least was willing to self-reflect, because he later posted this update on the situation:

Given that everyone said my relationship wouldn’t survive me going and that I would be disregarding my GF’s feelings if I still went, I decided that I’d like to stay in my relationship, at least for now, and chose to drop the subject and apologize to my GF for making her feel like I was going along with her being excluded by her friend group.

She was still a bit mad at me because she felt like I wasn’t on her side from the beginning, but thanked me for at least not going against her wishes.

In my last post, everyone decided that Jess just had to be making a move on me. I found that frustrating because that’s not how, I, my GF, or anyone else views the situation. Usually this isn’t something you mention unless it’s absolutely relevant to the discussion, but I think it is here (as people seem to be missing some subtext on why my GF doesn’t think Jess is making a move on me and clutching her pearls):

Jess was assigned male at birth. So my GF holds the very problematic, unstated view that I can be “trusted” more around Jess, and doesn’t see not getting invited as a move against our relationship.

We’ve discussed it at length, and the issue my GF and I were fighting about isn’t the idea that I’m going to go to Florida to sleep with Jess, I’d be a lot more understanding if that was her issue. My GF thinks it’s unfair that I get to go on a trip with people she considers to be “her” friends while she sulks at home and has to watch us having fun on Instagram.

That’s the crux of the issue, not Jess trying to steal me away from GF. Even without the problematic social subtext here that says someone like me wouldn’t be interested in Jess just because of her identity (which is not true), it’s a simple fact that she doesn’t like me, individually (and I’m not romantically interested in her as an individual). At all.

We’re friends, that’s it. I know it, my GF knows, Jess knows it, everyone in our social circle knows it. It’s not even her snubbing my GF in particular.

I asked Jess about it in more detail, and the reason she didn’t invite my GF (and the rest of the people in their friend group) is because she thought it’d be strange af to say that you’re paying for 4 of your friends, but the rest of them have to pay their own way and find somewhere else to sleep (none of us are capable of paying for any of this stuff without our parents).

Jess didn’t invite my GF because she doesn’t fw my GF like that anymore to pay for her and knew she couldn’t afford to go on her own regardless.

Still, I feel like my girlfriend’s possessiveness of her friend group is somewhat immature. Friends shift apart and social circles realign over time. It’s pretty upsetting to me that I can’t go to one of my best friend’s birthday because my GF knew them first and she’s not invited. If my GF were to ask that I cut ties with Jess because of this saga, I really can’t see myself doing that.

Sources: Reddit
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