'AITA for telling my ex I don’t care about his life and I don’t owe his fiancé anything?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for telling my ex I don’t care about his life and I don’t owe his fiancé anything?"

Large-Efficiency-825

So my (36f) ex husband Tom (35m) left me for his “work wife” Tammy (25f) two years ago, I never liked her even before I found out about their relationship. The first time I met her at a work event she told me while I was heavily pregnant with my youngest that you “better up your wife game or I might steal him off you.”

Well 3 months later she did, this woman literally came with him to help pack the day he moved out and tried to have a one on one conversation on how she wanted our relationship to be okay going forward because she was gonna be in my life

Than said as a joke, “told you I’d steal him away” — not gonna lie I’m thankful she did because when my ex made a comment about her being 23 and her brain not being fully developed I got the ick so bad it turned my heartbreak into relief.

I got everything in the divorce because I got him in his affair fog and he gave 50/50 custody for our kids' sake. I’m civil for the sake of my kids so we can both attend events without drama but other than that I couldn’t honestly careless about them.

Around June, Tammy came instead of Tom for pick up and practically skipped towards me to show off her engagement ring, saying she wanted me as a bridesmaid along with my daughters. She got upset because I just said hmmm her whole conversation, per toms texts a few hours later

Same happened again in September when she told me she was pregnant. Which, again, my zero f*&(s given upset her. In December when she told me the second I opened the car door “toms finally getting a son,” to which I sarcastically replied: “I’m sure Lord Tom's excited for an heir to take over his lands and titles.”

That caused drama too, because tom's family found it hilarious when Tammy was bad mouthing me. December was the last time I saw her till today at drop off with Tom. As they approached me I noticed Tammy didn’t look pregnant anymore.

Tammy tearfully said “we lost the baby.” I didn’t answer, just told Tom our second daughter has a birthday party tomorrow at 3 and the oldest has gymnastics at 5. Tammy literally screamed at me I was a heartless b and bitter, then grabbed the girls' bags walking away

Tom said I could show a little humanity towards Tammy and regardless of my feelings she is my kids stepmother. I told Tom I don’t care about what he's going through because outside our kids I don’t care about them and I don’t owe Tammy anything, especially pity.

He called me an AH (along with other things) and left. usually this wouldn’t bother me but my ex in laws, who I have a good relationship with, have told me I should have shown Tammy some empathy and at the very least pretended to care for the sake of the kids.

Here's how commenters reacted.

MNConerto

NTA, maybe it would be best if Tammy wasn't present for hand offs anymore as it seems to "trigger" her. She is in the "oh no look at the consequences of my actions" part of this whole thing.

Due-Librarian-5886

NTA You don’t have to do a thing for her. It’s about co parenting with your ex. It’s weird to me that she’s sharing personal details about her life, she must not have friends or something but that isn’t your issue.

OP

At the same office party she told me to wife up my game a few coworkers who I knew a long time told me she isn’t well due her being so straight forward

JmRet2301

Dear OP, you are enduring a horrible situation with tact and poise. You are protecting your children and refusing to get pulled into this young (immature) woman’s drama.

Why should you care about her being upset? (Admittedly it is a difficult loss.) It’s like she wants you to congratulate her on her relationship with your ex-husband, and sympathize with her troubles.

Your ex and his fiancé are delusional. Stay strong. Congratulations on making a new life with your family.

OP

She once said given my age I should be mature for the sake of the kids and we should have a united front by forming a friendship I won’t lie I stood there with my mouth open in shock for longer than I want to admit

ImposterSyndrome412

So you’re supposed to show empathy to someone who ruined your marriage and goes out of their way to get a reaction out of you???? No. NTA.

OP

She said she wanted to friends and tells people like my in laws that I can’t put the past behind me for the sake of the kids even called me a pick me

Material_Cellist4133

NTA. Also, tell the in-laws, “I would love to see you take the high road to the person who legit wanted to be a homewrecker and did become one with your home. I don’t owe her s$#@, she deserves all the karma she got.”

OP

You know what I will because my sister ex in laws told me I should have went nuclear with them like full on gone girl multiple times over the last two years

Mhunterjr

“I’m sure lord toms excited for an heir to take over his lands and titles.” NTA, but you are a bad$#@

Beneficial_Syrup_869

If you would’ve said something, she would’ve twisted it to you being evil, she’s nuts and her brain isn’t fully developed — as Tom pointed out 2 years ago! NTA, F her and him!

OP

I still cringe at his comment

Bonnm42

NTA ask them if Tammy showed sympathy when she joked about stealing him, destroyed your family, skipped to show you the engagement ring and so happy to report she was finally “giving Tom a son”? … no? So why tf should you feel anything for her, except maybe rage for what a B she sounds like.

ThornedRoseWrites

You are NTA. She has been an absolute AH towards you since day one, always flaunting the relationship with your red flag of an ex, always making out like she’s better than you, always showing off about everything.

You don’t owe them anything, least of all sympathy. And why would you have sympathy for people you don’t give two f@#$s about? You did nothing wrong, your ex and his 25 year old brat (oops, I mean fiancée) are the only a$#@oles here.

Putrid_Building_862

Died laughing at Lord Tom’s heir and his lands and titles. You have such a good attitude toward all of this.

You’re not an AH. You’re not her friend. An empty “I’m so sorry” wouldn’t have hurt, but for the sake of being your genuine self, whoops, that didn’t come out of your mouth. They can deal.

OP

In this day and age who cares about the gender of a baby regardless of boys, girls ,and they’s, it’s the same money, love, education and care that will be needed. even in My ex's family, his own mother kept her surname along with his oldest sister so I couldn’t see the big deal but that’s just me

ianavan

Hilarious that they think you should be so concerned about an adulterer and a homewrecker.

Update from OP the next day:

So I texted Tom today due to tammys mental state I prefer if he or his mom would do all the picks up from now on and if Tammys mental health gets any worse I want the girls full time for a couple of weeks till it’s a healthier environment for the kids

Tom tried to call me but I texted him I prefer texts and he said wanted to have a heart to heart…yeah not gonna happen. I asked did it involve the girls but he said yes but it’s also about all of us going forward and the relationship he wishes for us to have basically he wanted family therapy with himself,me,Tammy and the kids

I said If he thinks the kids need to see a therapist I would be happy to find one we both can agree on but again he just kept bringing it back to us so after a few hours knowing it was going nowhere I just left him on read.

I called my ex in laws told them the situation and how I don’t want to be involved with anything Tammy and Tom unless my kids are involved, i reminded them I’ve expressed multiple times I don’t care and I don’t want anything more than a civil Co parent relationship. I told them even tho I value my friendship with the family (ex in laws) I will go low contact if it happens again

Mil apologised saying she was very emotional because at the end of the day Tom is her son and he was heartbroken plus the baby was her grandchild which I completely understand and I forgive her

Now here were it gets weird Tammy showed up to my house now I’ve watch enough true crime to know not to open the door and I talked/recorded her by the doorbell cam she was crying saying she was sorry and she just wanted to be my friend. Than she said I need to forgive her because she lost her baby as Karma for what she did to me (she was saying other stuff but I couldn’t understand her)

I rang the police than my brother and Tom

She didn’t get arrested or anything but Tom talked to my brother said he was taking her home and agreed it’s best if I have them full time for now

My girls are at home safe my brother will be staying with me for the foreseeable future I’ll be seeing a lawyer first time Monday about full custody and a restraining order because I’ve a sinking feeling it’s gonna get worse

Before it gets brought up I just kept telling Tammy leave my property because I don’t want to hear it. I don’t know why I was brought into this because I was looking forward to my chill weekend.

I’d like to also say for the people in my last post calling me jealousy/bitter I’ve nothing to be jealous of?

Someone who cheats on you isn’t a prize he is Tammys problem now and for those of you saying my “I don’t give care about my exes life” means I’m not over him because I don’t want to be friends with him or Tammy …your ex moved on when they say leave them alone they’re not playing hard to get they really don’t want to talk to you

2 days later OP came back with this update:

I won’t be updating till all the legal issues are over with and my own mental health is in a better place so it could take anything up to 3-6 months

I spoke to a lawyer today I’m obviously not gonna go into details but with all the evidence and witnesses on my side I’ve a good shot at getting full custody but it’s only day one and nothing has started yet

I agreed to let Tom come over to visit the kids when ever he wanted so when he came over yesterday evening and went into the garden with the kids I went for a shower. Coming out of the bathroom he cornered me about wanting to talk I told him it wasn’t the time and told him ether go out to the girls or leave

He started saying he made a mistake Tammy was a nut job and he wanted to come home to us. I told him get the f%$# out of my house and there is no “us” so he started saying stuff i physically can’t type without breaking down than tried to force a make out session to put it politely. Thankfully my brother heard and came running

Unfortunately the kids heard everything when my brother and Tom started fighting. I was in complete shock at the time to try to do anything to help the situation even when Tom was being taken away I was too scared too move and couldn’t confront my crying children..not my proudest moment

Remember I said before I adopted older cats well I put cameras through common areas in my home to watch them while I’m at work one of those areas is the hall between my room and the bathroom

i don’t know what to do with Tom going forward but I know I can’t face him ever again even with supervision from my father or brother who both work in law enforcement

Tammy sent hundreds of messages to me and my oldest two but I can’t block her by my lawyers request. My ex in laws have reached out and told me they’ll help me with whatever way I need . his sisters have disowned him but this is still all very new they might change their mind

I plan on moving after everything gets sorted so I won’t ever cross Tammys path. thank you all for you love and support Hopefully I can give you all a positive update in the future.

2 months later OP came back with this update:

Ok so nothing has changed much for me I’ve just gotten extra cameras and more security around my home I have passwords with my daughters schools involving pick ups and a family member comes with me while I wait for them during things like swimming/gymnastics

As for everyone’s mental we aren’t doing well the girls social lives have taken a hit due to being with a adult family member at all times and obviously therapy is a slow process not a magic fix hopefully tho in a few months things will get better

The reason for this update Tammy She cornered me in our local shopping centre (mall for Americans) Now realistically I wouldn’t be afraid because we are matched body wise so it would be a fair fight but nut jobs carry stuff so I was nervous

I shouted at her to go away but she kept saying let me hear her out than she’d leave me alone for good so I did Here is the short version “I wanted to apologise for everything I’ve done to you and my part in ruining your marriage I was a young stupid girl who sometimes she got jealous because she knew Tom wasn’t fully over you

I never meant to rub anything in your face I was only trying to start a conversation at all those pick ups because I thought if we become friends I’d feel less guilty, I love your girls and I glad I got to their stepmother, I was looking forward to being a mom but I guess karma had other plans.

I wasn’t in the best place mentally and I got fixated on you rather than dealing with my grief which was wrong I’m sorry, when I first read your posts I was so angry at the monster you made me out to be but it took my sister to point out you only spoke the truth so when claimed down and them read them again sober I felt like since a crazy b%#^ I didn’t mean for everything to go so far

I’m not gonna bother you anymore so you don’t have to move I would never hurt your daughters it breaks my hurt you’d think that but I guess this is goodbye op”

I said f%$# it I’ll be honest with her I told her that we would never have been friends even if she didn’t get with Tom while we were married because she’s unlikeable pick me with no sense of boundaries and that she needs to get serious help than I told her I forgive her and I truly wish she finds peace within herself We told eachother goodbye

I won’t lie guys I thought she was gonna do something stupid to herself so I contacted my in laws to get in contact with her family because I was genuinely worried I know what everyone is gonna say I shouldn’t care or want to help Tammy and call me a hypocrite.

I still don’t care about Tammy as a person but I’d never forgive myself if she did something and I could have made a phone call to prevent it Here’s the twist I got a call from a friend an hour ago (she worked with Tom and Tammy) Tammy and Tom are together in the United States

apparently I’m an evil bitter ex who cheated on Tom our youngest isn’t his and I made false accusations to get full custody because I wanted to live off child support 🙄 I also sent drunk pictures of me pissing on their sons grave and Tom out of respect for my girls won’t post them but he hopes that one day they’ll get in contact with him

I apparently also turned everyone against Tammy even my kids because I was jealous they love her more and called her mom. he also disowned his family and called himself a high value man which I’ve know clue what that even means It’s a public with the comments turned off and what makes it all the more cringe is that they’re both kneeling next too a certain actor Hollywood star 🏴‍☠️

My ex in laws are so embarrassed they want him to take it down but he’s blocked them. We are all guessing Tammy was only waiting to sort out lose ends, I’m guessing he never stole the wedding money and they just made it all up for some reason?

Like why even fake him abandoning her? Why did Tammy act like she was gonna do something to herself? I’m so confused right now But At least I won’t see them local for now I’m not gonna be at peace till I move locations. Tom is due for his first phone call to our second daughter the 27th but I doubt I’ll call r/updateme

I’ve tried to post this update multiple times, but I can’t for some reason so if you could spread it I’d like that because I’ve over a 100 people in my private messages asking me for an update and I feel like I owe it to them