Romantic relationship almost ended over misunderstood golf bet with father. + UPDATE
"My GF and I got into an argument after a round of golf. How do I convince her I wasn’t being malicious?"
Background: So I (31M) have recently started dating a girl(26F) that I like a lot. Like say 4 months. Both of us are really close to our families and spend a lot of time with them so it was basically impossible for our families not to meet pretty early (like I watch my niece two days a week and my mom does the other days and helps out on my days).
Our families are pretty similar standard boring suburban Midwestern families and everyone gets along. So to the story, my girlfriend and her dad invited my dad and I to go golfing with them. It’s been crazy nice where I live and courses are open right now when they usually are closed for the winter and they wanted to take advantage.
They knew we both played golf and the two of them were both VERY into golf. Like her high school and college trophies showing around their parents house (it’s really sweet). Golf is pretty much their main hobby.
So here’s some more info about me. I do not look like I golf. At all. I am covered in tattoos, I have long hair, my style is more punk than country club. I also, am really good at golf. I personally enjoy the activities surrounding golf more than actually playing golf itself though.
I like drinking a few beers and walking the course with friends more than practicing golf. I have done enough practice for 10 lifetimes, I promise you. My grandpa on my dad’s side started a private golf club in the 50’s. My grandpa on my mom’s side was a golf coach. My dad played at a top university and is currently a top 50 senior golfer in the world.
I have spent more time on a golf course than should be accepted by society. Literally my day care growing up during summer was just to drop me off at the club until my dad was done with work. So about 9hrs a day. 36 holes 7 days a week. All summer.
By the time high school came around it felt more like torture than a hobby or leisure activity. So I stopped playing, but once you learn something so thoroughly and so young, it doesn’t go away.
Anyway, I’ve told my gf my thoughts on golf before and that I mostly like the exercise, being outside and cold beverages with friends but I would still love to go with her anytime. I think this must’ve translated into “I’m not very good at golf” for her or something.
Even before the first hole was over I could tell something was up. Gf wasn’t ignoring me but definitely more distant. I just thought maybe she likes to focus more on the “golf” than the social aspects during a round and that’s fine.
Going into this, I saw today as an opportunity to bond with her dad and not really about “us” if that makes sense so I just gave her space and did my best to get to know the guy and we do get to know each other better, and I think we have a pretty great round.
Well the distance continued until we got to my house and she exploded at me. We haven’t really had a fight before and she is NOT quick to anger. She was really mad, and saying things like “why would I lie to her about something so dumb” and “you were trying to make me look stupid” and “make her family look bad” etc etc. I was flabbergasted.
I mean first fights are interesting to navigate but this was something else. She eventually left as she needed to cool off but she’s been distant and curt with me since. That was Sunday.
During our fight I was just so caught off guard I didn’t really say much, which I don’t think helped. We’ve been kinda just ignoring the situation which is definitely not working at all.
I really like her, and want to move past this. Other than this fight, she’s been so sweet, and kind, and loving. She’s the best. I’m going to talk to her later tonight about this but I’m not really sure what to say.
How do I convince her that I wasn’t hiding my golf ability to be malicious or mean, I just don’t like golf. It just sounds so ridiculous and dumb reading over this to me but I don’t want to mess this up.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
hmmmm - this is really interesting. It's one of those things that happens in a relationship that you should really pay attention to...not in terms of the subject matter of the fight, but rather in terms of how everyone handles the aftermath. I'd suggest paying attention to her response.
It's going to tell you a ton of information about how she handles disappointment, frustration, and anger. -- Like, does she get sullen and pouty? Does she hold grudges? Does she scream and yell and then a day later pretend like nothing happened? Whatever your tactic of approaching this, I wish you well. But just pay attention to how she responds and file that away for the future.
throwRA7374799594928 (OP)
Yes. This was the avenue I am planning on going. At this point I’m not sure that she isn’t just embarrassed how she responded. She can be a bit stubborn, but I’ve always kinda been a “whatever, doesn’t matter to me” kinda person so her being a little more ready to stick to her guns has been a good thing for me.
If you really like her and want to keep the relationship going, have a clear conversation. Admit some fault. Something along the lines of: "Babe, I said I didn't like golf. I didn't say I'm not good at it. I should've explained better." Then go into how you spent your childhood and everything else you did related to golf "and that's why I don't like golf. I guess I could've been more clear on why."
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
So last night we talked about what had happened, my part in not really telling her about my history with golf, and her reaction to it. She started crying and apologizing immediately which kinda surprised me because I’ve never seen her cry before and explained things from her end.
So on the way to the course, (she rode with her dad there and me home) her dad and her had a bet. “What do you think he’s gonna shoot?”. She started the bet so she decided the line and he got to pick over or under.
The stakes? Cleaning up the winter poop from their dogs after the snow thaws. Pretty high stakes lol. So she said 85 and he said “easiest under of my life, haha get your poop scoop ready” (they do not in fact have a poop scoop).
So I guess his response, paired along with my play, had been bothering her all day but he didn’t say anything about it. So it was kinda just brewing all day. But she was positive that her dad knew I was a good golfer, and that she did not.
So she didn’t know if I was just doing this to help her dad not to have to clean up the poop or if she was just missing something obvious that would have clued her in. Because why would her dad know that about me but not her. She just felt like everyone was in on it and she was being made into a fool for no reason.
Well then the explosion happened, she said she just let her imagination get the best of her and that she wasn’t even being rational and she knows that. She apologized for all of that.
Afterward, she called her dad and he kinda realized he had messed up and told her how he knew about me. So she has an older brother 4 years older than me who also happened to play golf.
The reason he remembered me even after close to 20 years? He got into a fight with my grandpa at a JPGA tournament lol. Not like fist fight but a pretty heated argument. Which yeah that makes sense because that would happen quite often, like seriously 1 out of 4 events I played in.
I was 13 and still playing competitively and her brother was 17 and pretty good. I would play in the 14-17 year old division because the 10-13 division had different rules that “weren’t golf” (circle tens if you score too high, just small changes to keep pace of play going for worse players).
Anyway her brother was in my group and I wasn’t playing that great and my grandpa was riding me the whole time. My brother was in college at the time, and playing in the biggest amateur events in the country which is a huge time commitment. My parents would go and watch these so I would stay with my grandparents, so grandpa would take me to things like this.
Anyway, I guess my grandpa was laying into me in front of everyone and her dad just lost it. So they got into a huge shouting match. He wasn’t sure I was that kid right away, but after we were friends on Facebook he did some sleuthing and found a pic of my whole family and sure enough, there was my grandpa.
After hearing this my girlfriend was kinda devastated. Embarrassed, sad for me, just generally distraught. But she didn’t know what to say and how to apologize correctly because it was clear I didn’t really want to talk about that point of my life yet, so she just tried to ignore it but it made her come across distant.
So we just talked about it all. About how I eventually hated golf back then but she always talked about the good times she had with her family playing it growing up and I didn’t want to tint those memories with my experiences. We hugged, cried and laughed. Called in sick today, because it took up most of the night. But I think we’re in a great spot.
Her dad felt really bad, as he didn’t realize how much it actually bothered my gf originally and he kinda belatedly realized that while it was just a stupid and embarrassing yet very memorable interaction for him (not many times do you have a fight at a kids golf event with an 80+ year old man), for me that was kinda a microcosm of my life at the time.
Like “hey kid, remember that time when you were verbally abused publicly, and then someone stood up for you and it started a huge fight, man what silly times”, isn’t a convo he was willing to jump into so he just kinda kept it to himself. And he didn’t think his daughter would make a connection with the bet, he thought he would just get some free yard work and get off scotch free.
So all is well and the three of us are cleaning up poop this weekend lol. I did thank him for sticking up for me back then and it actually meant a lot to me at the time when people would do that. He just asked that if we have kids one day maybe keep grandpa away from the sporting events lol.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
This is an awesome update. Might i suggest instead of hating golf, make it something positive with your gf and her dad. It will do wonders for bonding and with a fresh look at it maybe help heal some past trauma. I wish you both all the best.
throwRA7374799594928 (OP)
Eh I’ve stopped hating golf a long time ago, it’s a nice activity. I just hated my situation but wasn’t grown up enough to separate the two.
Yeah... that update with the story of being a) left behind by the parents every time his brother had a competitive tournament, which I'm guessing was almost every weekend? And b) getting yelled at by your grandpa I'm assuming more than just that one time...
It's very understandable he got sick of golf and also didn't want to talk about it or himself in regards to golf with many people. Still though, good lesson for him and her... just talk with each other. Communication prevents many unnecessary arguments lol.