Relationship nightmare erupts after spouse reveals their asexuality. AITA? + Rough Update
"My spouse came out to me as asexual a few months ago. Tomorrow I am handing them divorce papers. They are going to be devastated."
Cold-Cake-8698
Basically the title. My spouse and I have been together for 8 years. Our love life has had lots of ups and downs. Sometimes it felt like it was fire and was really good, but there were long stretches where I felt like I was starving.
While they never denied me when I initiated, lack of initiation on their part has destroyed my self esteem and has left me so incredibly unfulfilled. I have so missed the feeling of being desired and having my partner seduce me.
It was really hard for my spouse to come out. They were so nervous and scared. I hugged them and thanked them for telling me. I messed up and told them everything will be alright. But it won't be. I cant go the rest of my life with a partner who isn't sexually attracted to me. So I spoke with a lawyer.
I'm so worried about my spouse. They are really dependent on me socially, emotionally, and financially. And i know that they love me. They love me more than anyone ever has in my entire life. I wish love could be enough for me to be happy in a relationship. Tomorrow is really going to suck.
ETA: just to make things clear... an open relationship is NOT an option. I am strictly monogamous. I am not the type of person who is capable of having multiple partners.
An open relationship isn't going to help me meet my needs that are currently missing in my relationship. What i need is for my spouse to be sexually attracted to me. And for those of you have assumed the gender of myself and my spouse... the majority of you are wrong. Watch your assumptions.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
teddybabie
fricking ouch.
The OP responded:
Cold-Cake-8698
Yeah. I pretty much hate my life right now. Like logically I know this is the right thing for us. They deserve to be with someone who is completely happy with them is compatible with their sexuality. But it really really sucks to do it.
Plastic-Technician-2
May I suggest taking a more human approach and speaking to them before you even think about handing them any divorce papers? Feels cold and incredibly harsh to do it the way you've currently chosen.
Speak to them like a normal human being, express your feelings and let them express theirs. Divorce may be the answer regardless, but the path you've chosen now is going to hurt even more.
They're a person with feelings, your partner of 8 years. Your partner has done good by you, treated you well and cannot control their asexuality. They deserve better than that, OP.
great_mango_juicy07
Might I suggest a simple conversation first, allowing them to get used to the idea first so that it’s more of a mutual understanding type of thing, rather than a punishment?
great_mango_juicy07
Seems incredibly harsh to just hand them the papers so suddenly… I understand how hard it must be, but this will likely eat at your conscious too :’) I think a divorce would be good and you can’t control sexual compatibility , but there’s a way to go about these things. Logically, and sensibly.
8 days later, the OP returned with an update.
"My spouse came out to me as asexual a few months ago. Tomorrow I am handing them divorce papers. They are going to be devastated. Update."
Cold-Cake-8698
I have a not very happy update.
I told my stbx that we needed to talk.
We sat down and pretty much as soon as I mentioned that I wanted to end the marriage due to our sexual incompatibility, they started to become incredibly emotional. First with crying and begging me to reconsider.
Then when I had held fast to my choice, they became very angry with me. They started yelling and being belligerent. So I told them I was leaving and they followed me out to my car and slammed their fist hard enough on the hood they left a sizable dent.
I actually never even got around to telling them I had already spoken with an attorney or let them have the preliminary draft of our divorce agreement.
I went to stay in a hotel, my stbx continued to try and text and call me. They left a few really nasty voicemails and a few begging and crying for us to keep working on our marriage before I blocked them to get some rest.
The next morning I came to realize that the police had been trying to contact me. Turns out that my stbx went on an absolute rampage through the house. Many of my personal items were destroyed. Holes punched and kicked into the walls.
Some very sentimental items of mine are now damaged beyond repair. They even took my 80 year old jade plant out back and put it on the grill. That had been my grandmother's plant. I'm devastated about that.
Apparently during the rampage the neighbors called the cops with a noise complaint. When the officers showed up there was an altercation and my stbx ended up getting arrested. They are now facing charges for disorderly conduct, resisting arrest and assault on a peace officer.
The worst part though, is that somehow during the rampage, arrest or while left alone overnight, my stbx's cat got badly injured and needed to be taken to the emergency vet for surgery. She pulled through surgery OK and is currently being boarded at her regular vet's office for post op care as I am unable to provide the level of care she needs.
She should be OK but I feel really bad for her, her life is turned upside down, she is away from home and the last memory she has of her favorite person was seeing them be a monster. I'm not sure what I am going to end up doing with her ultimately. But I am doing what I can to get her feeling better.
I knew my stbx would get emotional, and cry and yell, i knew they would be argumentative about it. Those were a big part of why I wanted to have all my ducks in a row before speaking with them.
I am super thankful to my therapist who helped me role play "the talk". I had already had a packed bag in my car and was able to stay calm and cool headed enough to leave when I did.
My ex still has not posted bail, and I absolutely refuse to do so. They've been calling me from lock up begging me to, but also yelling at me. I have refused to take any of the calls. The preliminary divorce agreement where I was attempting an amicable divorce with decent spousal support for them is out the fucking window now.
My attorney is fairly confident that with the damages to the house, the cost of surgery for my stbx's cat, my stbx's violent and threatening behavior toward me, and our preexisting prenup, that the divorce will be VERY favorable to me.
Guess my state doesn't suck as hard as I thought. My attorney has advised me to hold off on filing until we know the outcome of my stbx's criminal convictions as that can also impact things. I have a hearing this week for a restraining order against my stbx, so if they do somehow miraculously make bail, they at least can't come back here.
And on a personal note/gotta throw this out into the universe and get it off my chest: to the person wearing the batman shirt in home depot last Saturday who chatted up the person wearing the TMNT shirt. Thank you.
A very deep sincere thank you. If you are reading this I hope you see why I declined to exchange numbers with you. There is a lot of chaos in my life atm. But you were a glimmer of hope for me of what my future life could be like.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this update from the OP:
Celt42
Jade plants are succulents. If a single leaf made it, there's a good possibility of getting it to root.
The OP responded here:
Cold-Cake-8698
I found some broken branches in the house and I have propped them already. So my dear little jade will live on in some form. But it was a magnificent beast of a plant though and it's former glory is sorely missed.
fireflyawaywithme
Trying to be positive, so perhaps symbolic of new beginning is a way to look at it, “starting new growth” 😭 that’s tough.
The OP again responded:
Cold-Cake-8698
That actually is a really sweet thought! Thank you so much for sharing it. I actually really love framing it that way. I think I might splurge on some fancy new pots for my little props with that thought in mind :)
TheUberninja2
Be very careful moving forward. Your ex spouse is displaying some concerning tendencies and a restraining order will not physically stop them from attacking you. Consider some personal defense classes and tools for you to be able to escape if such an encounter occurs. There are many free resources online. Best of luck to you and the cat.