"Avoidant husband wants a divorce after we had a baby."
My husband wants a divorce. We’ve been together for 8 years, married for 5, and we have a 3-month-old baby. He says he’s hit a wall and that no matter what he does, he feels stuck. He believes our personalities are incompatible (I’m anxious-preoccupied) and that it will never work.
He’s been cold and distant since I got pregnant. Although we had issues before, I thought we worked through them. Now he says he’s been unhappy for years, which I wish he had been honest about much earlier, especially before agreeing to have a child.
He says he feels extremely overwhelmed and that his instinct is to run away. He’s afraid of finances, responsibility, and losing his freedom, and says continuing feels physically unbearable to him. He says he’s not afraid of caring for the baby, but feels he can’t handle everything.
If we didn’t have a baby, I’d be more willing to let go. But because of my little one, I feel like I owe it to her to try. I’m heartbroken and feel like he’s already decided that our baby would be better off with me and my parents than with him.
I’m looking for perspective from people who felt this way and chose to leave their families. What was life like after separation? How is your relationship with your children?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Someone needs to tell him that no matter how afraid he is, he can’t run away from “finances, responsibility and losing his freedom” because he has a child now. If you go through a contentious divorce, he’s getting ready to get a dose of “man up” regarding finances, responsibility and freedom.
For real, that’s like the whole deal with having kids. Finances, responsibility, and losing your freedom to do what you want when you want. Don’t impregnate people if you aren’t willing to do that. Finances, responsibility, and parenting are all things he’ll get to do alone now. He has 17 years and 9 months of financial responsibility left now.
Tell him you will divorce him, but he will still be responsible for finances and parenting.
He actually needs therapy and grow hell up, he has a kid and should step up.
The harsh truth is, he will only be responsible for financial support, i.e., child support. As far as visiting, that's optional. If OP requires daycare or other costs, then yes, he will probably have to split that with OP. But OP's husband isn't required to be a parent, nor can the state force him.
OP may need to understand this because, more than likely, he might not be around. Also sounds like op is getting close to accepting this. Sounds like he's having some midlife crisis nonsense and unfortunately its going to destroy marriage.
Do not attempt to stay with him for your child. Get that divorce with the child support etc. circle your loved ones into your village, and focus on your relationship with your new baby.
I personally think they/he should try therapy first, but fully agree with don't stick together for the sake of the child. A child is ALWAYS better off with one parent who loves them and can cope, than with two miserable ones. But this is a very hard (expensive) time to go it alone, and so they will both be better off financially if they can tackle his mental blocks rather than divorce.
Afraid of finances? Ask him if he's researched what he'll end up paying in child support lol. Give him the divorce. Show your daughter you're a strong woman who refuses to settle with an unhappy man. But don't let him walk away without helping you financially (child support).
I am so sorry. He is a boy who is afraid to step up and do man things. So either he wants to take care of the child by himself for half the time or just pay child support and possibly alimony for awhile. He needs counseling.
So what is his plan on his own? Does this 42 year old baby assume that a divorce will remove all his adult responsibilities and return his life to his free and easy teen years? He’s still going to need to be a parent because he has a child. Sounds like it will be better for you though with only one child in the house!
You're in the throes of postpartum with a 3 month old. Of course its overwhelming, for both of you. I'd ask him to pump the breaks on divorce talk and stick it out for another six months with practicing coparenting, couples therapy, and his own therapy. 6 months will fly by and you'll both be better prepared with what life looks like for BOTH of you whether its separating/divorcing or maintaining a marriage.
It'll give him perspective that he CAN'T escape his responsibilities and to make better sense of them even if it still ends in divorce. Of course this depends entirely on his escape hatch. Has he already jumped through or is his hand on the button still? If he's out he's out.
Bubbly-Proof-7721 (OP)
This is exactly what I’m thinking too. Six months of separation and couples therapy to see whether things are fixable and whether he feels better alone or together. I suggested it to him, and he’s considering it, although he’s really not fond of therapy. We’ll see what he decides.
There is not much sympathy in the comments here so firstly I want to send you a hug. Unfortunately this situation is relatable to me and I know how scary it is. The most important thing is that you have a good support network, as your husband is showing that you cannot rely on him any more. Please open up to your friends and family about this. They will help you find a way forward.
Bubbly-Proof-7721 (OP)
Thank you for your comment. I appreciate your kind words. I haven’t told my parents yet, but I know I need to because I need their support. It’s just so hard to open up to them about this. I feel ashamed about the whole situation, I don’t know why.
No you DO NOT owe it to her to try. You owe it to her to be true to yourself and not tolerate neglect or abuse. Staying only proves that women should be doormats, no matter what. That is not the lesson you want to teach your daughter. Leaving shows strength and resilience.
It sounds like he didn't really want a baby since you said, "before agreeing to have a child". That means he'll never be there for her, or for you ever again. Let this one go. Being a single parent is better than being with someone who doesn't even love you. Just make sure he's on the hook through a court for a decent amount of child support.