'My best man stole my wife and I think he’s back to take my girlfriend.' UPDATED
"My best man stole my wife and I think he’s back to take my girlfriend."
Six years ago I (30M) was getting married. My best friend (31M) Judas, fake names to protect identities, was my best man. I was getting married to Leah (30F). Our friend group was very very close, there were 8/9 of us, and we always did everything together, days out, game nights, holidays etc.
Anytime a friend would bring another female friend into the group Judas would end up hooking up with them, as he was genuinely just naturally very funny and charismatic, which is a big part as to why he’s everyone’s best man, but he was never a threat to our relationships because we were all such good friends.
Just over a year into our marriage, Leah and I start having issues, I’m in the army so I’m at camp through the week, returning home Friday evenings and leaving again early Monday mornings.
This meant we only really got weekends together and I’d always want to spend them with the group, and she’d mostly want alone time, just the two of us, as she will have seen the group through the week. This amongst other things caused a lot of arguments and we ended up separating.
While all this was going on two of our friends; Judas’ cousin Andrew (29M), and his fiancé Phoebe (29F), were a three days away from their wedding day (Judas of course being his best man too) when Andrew confessed to Phoebe that he had been cheating on her with a coworker for 6 months, so could not go ahead with the wedding.
On what would have been their wedding day, a couple of us went to Phoebe’s for drinks to take her mind off everything, and her and Judas slept together. (Worst best man ever).
Those two had always been very close to be fair, but we were all very surprised finding out. They apparently drunkenly did it a few more times over the next month before deciding to end all that.
While Leah and I were ‘separated’ I’d still be trying my best to resolve things and work it all out, but she was slowly getting less and less interested in the idea of us. I later found out this was because she was spending all her time with Judas.
They had gotten into a relationship, and he was basically living in the house I was paying half the mortgage for. (Worst best man ever). When I found this out I angrily text him “you’re dead to me” to which he replied solely with an image of the word ‘goodbye’ highlighted on a ouija board.
Naturally, Leah and I went through the whole divorce process, and her and Judas were happy in their relationship. Judas, Leah, and Andrew were all out of our little friend group. The rest of us went out to celebrate when the divorce had finalised, and Phoebe and I ended up hooking up.
Fast forward to now; Phoebe and I have been in a relationship for 3 years now. Leah and Judas have split, she’s now with some other man, and he’s single. Andrew has gotten married, he actually made it to the altar this time, and yes, Judas was his best man, so who knows what’s going to happen down the line with the worst best man, and Andrew’s new wife.
Yesterday I wanted to surprise Phoebe, I set off to camp early Monday morning like I always do, except I’ve booked this week off in secret. I waited for her to go to work and then I came back to decorate the bedroom with flowers, her favourite chocolates etc.
I park my car a block away so she doesn’t know I’m home. When she comes home, I surprise her, but I see that she’s on FaceTime, I’m 90% sure the face I see is Judas’ but she very quickly ends the call.
Early in our relationship she drunkenly confessed to me that she thought her and Judas would’ve ended up together after what would’ve been her wedding night, and that she was sad when he ended up calling that off for Leah. So my heart sank. She told me it was just her brother on the phone, but I don’t believe her.
I had also surprised her with a trip to Disney land, she’s always wanted to go, in the near future, where I had planned to propose, but now I’m unsure if I should go through with this, if Judas has managed to worm his way back into her life. I need help, I don’t know what to do. I’ve been at my parents awake all night, and I’m dreading going back home to have a conversation.
Do I confront her on this? Or go ahead with the planned trip and proposal and feign ignorance for a happier life? I’m sorry this is so long, I have left it as short as I could, there’s six years worth of drama I’ve tried to condense.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Your friends are so incestuous my god.
Omg. Other ppl exist you guys!!
Bro wtf come on man none of these people are worth your time. Keep contact with whoever you need to for the time being. And gtfo out those peoples lives man you deserve more.
Five days later, the OP returned with an update.
Didn't expect to get as many replies as I did, so I figured I'd reply to all here rather than individually. I've read all the comments, and first of all I'd like to thank all those people that gave me genuine good advice. Secondly there seems to be a few things I need to clear up;
I am from the UK, when I refer to 'camp' I literally just mean base. I don't HAVE to stay there for the whole week, but it is a 90 minute - 2 hour drive back home (I know that doesn't seem far to you Americans as you have to drive two hours to get off your streets, but it's long for me).
Nobody remained friends with Judas, I did put that in the original post, but a lot of people skimmed over it. Him, Leah, and Andrew all left the group around the time Judas and Leah's relationship was public knowledge.
When I wanted to spend time with the friend group, Leah would've been there too, so I wasn't completely neglecting her. For those asking, Judas kept his teeth because I literally have not seen him even once since I found out. Another point a few skipped over, Judas and Andrew are cousins, so they were always going to remain friendly, and take each others sides.
I didn't immediately demand to see her phone to check the FaceTime because I panicked, I went into fight or flight and clearly chose flight, not really what you want from a man supposed to defend your country but hey. No, I don't know who Kel Knight is.
Anyway, back to it; After leaving and going to my mums, Phoebe had been messaging/trying to call, basically just asking to explain herself, I'd said I'd be back later. After posting on here and reading/replying for a while I managed to get some sleep, I'd been up all night.
First thing I did when I woke up was call Phoebe's brother, explained to him my plan to propose (purely so he could be the one to break that to her when I chose to leave her). I also asked if he had been in contact with her recently, he said no. The FaceTime can't have been him then.
I get back home, ready with everything I need to say, ready to call Phoebe out on her BS, but before I can speak she hands me her phone, tells me I can look through, that she's deleted nothing, and that she'd like to talk and explain rather than shout and argue.
There's nothing in the FaceTime call logs, but in her regular call logs there's a Snapchat video call from Judas. I was kind of relieved that I wasn't just being a paranoid mess. But obviously my heart sank.
She said that Snapchat was the only place she could find him because he was in her blocked list, so she'd just unblocked him. Sounds to me like Phoebe was the one that had gone looking to contact Judas.
I read through a bunch of the saved messages on there, to be fair it was mostly just boring chit chat and talking about musicals. Stopped reading when I got to a message from Phoebe to Judas saying 'I miss you'.
Clicked on his profile to delete and block him for her, and saw at the bottom of that page when they became friends on there, it was dated just a week before. So at least they haven't been talking again for very long I guess.
What also caught my eye, was in the saved pictures, there was a picture of her feet. Phoebe claims that's from a long long time ago, apparently Snapchat still saves all the previously saved pictures when you unblock someone. Does anyone know if that's actually true? I'm not too familiar with it. Either way, I deleted and blocked him for her.
She then explained that she only added Judas again because she was always feeling lonely with me away 4 nights a week, and she'd just needed a friend. I don't know why our current friends weren't good enough for that, but whatever. She was making all the same complaints my ex wife had been making before we separated.
I've told her for this to work she needs to keep Judas out of our lives. I've told her I'll look for work outside of the army and leave. I'm a mechanic there so I assume I can find work in a garage or something easy enough. We spent the week together and it was fine.
I'm now currently back at base, and I'm deciding on if I follow through on that promise to leave and look for work elsewhere, or if I completely jump ship and literally just move elsewhere in the country, probably still look for work as a mechanic somewhere too, start brand new, and not have my career keep costing me relationships.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Speaking to the dude who took up with your wife because she was 'lonely' and has no one else to talk to? This is....very naive.
You forgot to mention that he was also her ex hook up that she “thought she would end up with”. There is a reason she chose him to reach out to. It’s not because she wanted a friend to vent with.
OP are you so desperate to not be alone that you’d rather tie yourself to a woman who’s already slept with the guy who ruined your 1st marriage AND is back in contact w/him??! 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️smh.
Keep your army job, dump phoebe AND that entirely codependent/incestuous friend group you have, move cities and start FRESH!!! No one should know you, of you, or anyone from this friend group from hell. Stop being a baby, sack up, and move on/away!!!
doctor_anonymous_15 (OP)
Yeah definitely leaning to starting new and fresh, thank you.
Dude, there’s something seriously wrong with you. Honestly. You’re still considering staying with her after all that? Think about it. She literally admitted she misses the guy who ruined your last marriage. She said she was “lonely,” and her brilliant solution was to unblock and contact the one man she knew would be unforgivable to you.
She lied, stalled, and only handed over her phone when she realized you were already suspicious — and even then, she probably managed what you saw. “We were just talking about musicals”? Yeah, right. Classic line to make it sound harmless.
And that “old foot pic” excuse? Way too convenient. If Snapchat really kept all that saved, then there’s probably a lot more there you didn’t even see. And the “I just needed a friend” bit? Give me a break. If she wanted a friend, why pick the exact guy who betrayed you and blew up your last relationship? That’s not loneliness — that’s provocation. Or worse, relapse.
You’re seriously thinking of quitting your career and changing your whole life for someone who clearly doesn’t respect you, your time, or what you’ve been through? That’s not love. That’s self-sabotage.