I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and it has been wonderful. We have been talking about marriage lately as it felt right for the both of us.
Over the course of our relationship, we often talked about what our goals are and what we wanted our future together to look like. I was always vocal about how I wanted a more equal non-traditional relationship.
We both work, we both don't want children. I expect to have a joint account with him and pay our expenses proportionally based on our income. I do make more than him but I don't mind since I believe us to be a team.
And for the last 3 years, he's agreed with me. Or so I thought??
These past 2-3 weeks, we have been setting a timeline on our wedding plans and all. Basically talking about all the concrete steps and little details. And so I asked him again, how he wanted our marriage to be like but in more detail.
He suddenly told me that he wants us to have traditional gender roles. And I was so confused. These past 3 years have not been that way.
I am so confused how he just expects us to change after marriage. I have been dating him and wanting to pursue something serious with him because I love our current dynamic and he seemed happy too.
I have made it clear since day 1 that I want to maintain what we have now until forever. He has never told me that that was not the case for him. Now, I feel tricked/lied to?
He told me that although I make more of the income, he wants to be the man of the house. The leader and so, what he says goes. He has the final say in the decisions and I cannot be questioning him.
I told him this will lead me to not being heard and miserable. It will make me feel less valued. He says it's the best way to avoid arguments. Sure, less arguments because what I think wouldn't matter but I will build resentment and then it's no longer a happy marriage.
In my previous post, I mentioned that I have seen him binge watching alpha male podcasts recently and I don't know if he has always thought this way or if it's recent. All I know is that my whole body is telling me this is not it.
I cannot marry him. It sounds like trouble. But am I correct for thinking this way? I don't know why but the last 3 years have been so wonderful that it's so hard for me to wrap my head around this. This sudden switch. Please give me some advice and courage.
I would have laughed the entire time I packed.
Bow out now. Divorce is so much more expensive and difficult than just bailing now when he's telling you exactly what he wants and you hate what he's saying. 3 years "wasted" better than 10 or god forbid more.
Best way to avoid arguments is to kneel to his power and accept his authority. Right....
Well, good thing the cat's out of the bag now. Better to get this information out pre-marriage.
Personally, I think I would just entertain the conversation without argument. See how deep these thoughts of his go. Let him dig himself into a hole so you know exactly what you're dealing with.
Get the confirmation that this is a genuine want of his.
And if it is... Not something you're signing up for.
You've become incompatible and it would be time to find someone else.
That kind of marriage sounds horrible. No kids. Cook. Clean. Serve him. Probably no control over personal finances. Can't speak your mind. He gets the final say.
Good times. You're dodging a bullet big time.
He makes less money but wants to be “the man of the house” and the leader and what he says goes? 🚩🚩🚩GET OUT NOW! This is controlling abusive talk right there! 8years older than you and trying to control you already!?! I’d RUN.
Yet another man who wants to be the "man of the house" without the "man of the house" funds. Leave him where you found him.
dude is 8 years older than you and wants to use you for your money and boss you around.
Hahaha that’s why a 33 year old is dating a 25 year old. He thinks he can mold you into some sort of subservient bang maid. It’s even funnier that you out-earn him. Run for the hills, friend.
Do not marry this man
It sounds like you never really knew him. He sounds like he’s always been a misogynist, you just never got a clear and direct answer from him. You say you were always vocal about what you wanted but was he? You never mentioned if he agreed with you.
You said you “asked him again” which shows you never had a solid answer yet you both still talked about marriage? Did you BOTH agree on things or was he passively acknowledging? This doesn’t sound like a sudden switch.
This sounds like he was passive and now he’s actively acting in his own best interests. It’s just that it’s come to crunch time. Maybe when you look back at your first interactions with him you’ll notice the pattern of passivity on his part.
Not saying that this is the case or it’s on you but it’s that the signs were always there, it’s just not easy to recognize them. Women especially are conditioned to tolerate a lot of things because being single as a woman is the “worst thing ever”… to “alpha males” as it happens.
Be wary of what you think is right for you and what’s expected of you to tolerate