"My [29f] recently engaged friend [29f] implied I wasn't engaged because my boyfriend [31m] doesn't actually want to get married after being together 3 years. And I'm upset because I'm scared she's right"
throwra_annoyed_ward
My friend Elise [29f] is engaged to Rick [32,] and I [29f] am dating Luke [31m]. Elise and Rick have been engaged for a year, together for two, and I’ve been with Luke for 3 years. Fake names.
So Elise and Rick had their engagement party Sunday afternoon. I was chatting with Elise, looking at her ring, and I’m not going to lie, I felt a bit of envy. Luke and I have talked about marriage, but we haven’t even looked at rings yet. He says he wants to marry me, though, but I do think it’s taking a long time.
So I asked Elise what made Rick propose to her (like how it happened). She told me that on their first date, she told him that he had a deadline. I asked what she meant, and she said that she told Rick she wasn’t going to wait around 2, 3, 4, 5 years for a man (any man, not him in particular) to marry her.
She said she wants kids with the right guy but didn’t want to have kids without a stable marriage and a house. Well, they have the house and now are getting married.
Another one of her friends (don’t know her age, but I’ll call her Heidi), said she was shocked it didn’t make Rick run for the hills. Elise laughed and said, “Well, it wasn’t an ultimatum. It was a fact.
If after 2 years you still can’t tell if I’m the one, then I’m clearly not, and I will be moving on. Period.” I told Elise that if I told Luke that, he would leave me. That’s when Elise said that Luke probably isn’t the right one, then, if after 3 years he’d leave me for expecting marriage.
That hurt my feelings, so I told her that marriages don’t always last and doesn’t mean someone is ‘the one’ just because they propose. She said she wasn’t worried, that she and Rick were in love and knew life would not be easy, but she’s prepared to make it work.
She also said she knows marriage isn’t for everyone which is fine so long as your partner feels the same, but that marriage is a value of hers, and she wasn’t going to waste time with someone who so clearly didn’t have the same values of her.
That’s when Heidi asked me what my problem was. I told her I didn’t have a problem, just stating a fact. Then Heidi asked how long I had been with Luke. I said 3 years, and she asked if I wanted to get married. I said yes, and when she asked what about Luke, I just excused myself to the restroom.
Not much else happened at the party, but when Luke and I left, I told him about the conversation. Luke laughed and called Elise ridiculous. I asked what he meant and he said, verbatim, “Only desperate and crazy women have a policy like that.
Let it happen when it feels right.” So I asked him if he wanted to marry me, to which he said of course, and I asked then why weren’t we engaged when we’ve been together longer.
He said he wasn’t ready yet and our relationship was fine the way it was. I asked how long did he have to wait to know and he shrugged and said “Does it matter? We’re together and that’s what is important.”
The conversation paused for a minute and then Luke asked me not to be like Elise. He said that he doesn’t like being forced to do something. I asked him if Rick felt that way (he’s good friends with Rick).
He admitted that Rick never said he felt forced and that he had been planning to propose to Elise 6 months after they met, but waited a bit to make sure he wasn’t just jumping in to something.
I asked Luke if it would be okay for me to look at rings. He said I could but to not get my heart set on anything because he wasn’t ready. He said, even if he was, he wasn’t willing to spend more than $1,500 on an engagement ring. Elise's ring obviously cost more than that.
I never asked her how much it was, but center diamond is 2 carats, and the rest of the band is covered in diamonds. I remember she was asked once how much it was. She wouldn't answer but said that Rick bought a ring he wanted her to love and did not care about the price.
He found the ring she'd like, looked at the price, and saved money to purchase it debt free. I didn't mention that to Luke, but her telling me that came back when Luke said he was only willing to spend $1,500 on a ring I'm not even allowed to really look for.
I’m not really sure why, but the conversation with Luke and Elise has made me very sad. I’m slightly angry at Elise for her implications but mostly I’m disappointed in Luke based on our conversation Sunday.
He hasn’t mentioned it since this weekend, but it’s all I can think about. Did Elise go about it the right way? Is Luke wasting my time? I don’t know, both of those conversations Sunday have me feeling like something is off.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
arsenal_kate
Everyone else covered Luke’s issues well. But you owe Elise an apology. You told her at her engagement party that marriages don’t always last and Rick may not be the one for her. That’s wildly unsupportive at an event literally celebrating their marriage. Just because she made you re-examine your own relationship didn’t justify you taking it out on her.
issabrokeweeb
That bugged me, too! I hope OP takes from these replies for not only her romantic relationship, but also to reflect on how she lashed out at her friends and offer Elise a sincere apology!
Bryanormike
You guys are almost 30. This is literally what dating is for and Elise knew what she wanted and told her partner. Her partner either agreed or had the chance to run for the hills. You know which one he chose. She's partly right because it seems they had the same values. No of course it doesn't mean the marriage will last for sure, but they communicated something very big out the gate and it happened.
The way you described you and your boyfriends conversation sounds like you two didn't really finish your conversation. Learn to communicate. In order to do that you also need to figure out what you want and how long you're willing to wait. Elise knew what she wanted and she got it now. Again it might not last but she knew what she wanted.
I hate to say this but again you guys are basically 30. Learn to talk about this stuff. Do you feel like your time is being wasted? Tell your boyfriend. What Is your timeline for getting married? Does it match with his? Does he see himself getting married in a year or two? Does he just not see it at all? Neither of you is wrong but it might mean you're incompatible.
Mishamaze
The way you described you and your boyfriends conversation sounds like you two didn't really finish your conversation. Learn to communicate. In order to do that you also need to figure out what you want and how long you're willing to wait. Something Elise knew what she wanted and she got it now. Again it might not last but she knew what she wanted.
I hate to say this but ahain you guys are basically 30. Learn to talk about this stuff. Do you feel like your time is being wasted? Tell your boyfriend.
Quaiydensmom
Yes you nailed it right here: “The way you described you and your boyfriends conversation sounds like you two didn't really finish your conversation. Learn to communicate. In order to do that you also need to figure out what you want and how long you're willing to wait.”
It is scary to think that maybe you aren’t compatible and might break up over this, but in the long run you also want to be with someone who cares about your happiness and wants the same things you want in a relationship.
And it’s better to find out now than to live the rest of your life with someone who isn’t on the same page as you because you were too afraid to ask for what you want in a relationship.
And it’s not about the money or the size of the ring, hopefully, so you need to separate that out in your head, it’s about someone who cares enough to want to know what you want, even if that’s just the start of the conversation.
A few days later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update: My [29f] recently engaged friend [29f] implied I wasn't engaged because my boyfriend [31m] doesn't actually want to get married after being together 3 years. And I'm upset because I'm scared she's right."
throwra_annoyed_ward
So I read all of the comments but by the time I was able to get back on, my thread was locked (I didn’t think it was going to take off like that). But I didn’t ignore it, so here’s the update (it starts at 'Anyway').
First, some info: Elise and Rick will have been together 3 ½ years by the time they get married. I also think I gave the wrong impression of their relationship. Elise didn’t demand a proposal from Rick, and she was surprised when it came. They honestly sound like they just had a whirlwind romance.
She also didn’t say she had to be married by the end of 2 years but that you should know if you want to marry her by the end of 2 years and be ready to be engaged so long as financially, work wise, and in personal life everything is okay.
They were together for a year and a couple months before he proposed. He did not propose at 6 months. He told Luke he knew she was the one at 6 months and started looking for rings then, but they got engaged later than that.
Also, I don’t care how much Elise’s ring cost or how big it is. I didn't include that part because I was being petty. I was annoyed because Luke basically told me I don’t get a say in what I’d be wearing.
He developed the budget on his own without talking to me about it, and he knows next to nothing of jewelry and has never asked me what I like. I always thought he’d do what Rick and other mutual friends did which is look together, develop the budget together, and then he picks what he thinks I would like.
Rick didn’t have the money for Elise’s ring (his own words) so he made a financially sound decision to save up for a ring he knew she’d like but wouldn’t break their bank, either. I figured Luke was going to do the same thing but apparently he had no intentions of doing so.
Lastly, someone mentioned that Rick doesn’t have as much going on as Luke does which isn’t true. I don’t know what Rick actually does, but he works for a major company in the financial department.
He’s not an accountant, but he basically supervises all money coming and going, sort of like a treasurer. Elise is a school guidance counselor. So both are very educated, no kids outside of their relationship, and are doing okay.
Anyway. With me and Luke, he is very much ‘go with the flow’. More than I thought, actually. The reason I didn’t reply to my first thread is because I decided to talk to Luke first. Long story short…we broke up.
Several comments said I needed to communicate what I wanted clearly to Luke, so I took an hour to write out what I really wanted in the next couple of years and then told Luke the night I posted the first thread.
I told him that after 3 years, we should be seriously considering the next step. I told him I wanted kids and with my age, I’m scared of health problems and complications especially with COVID overtaking the hospitals around us.
I told him that before we buy a house (we were looking) that I want to at least be engaged like Elise and Rick were. That’s not a comparison per se, but I reflected on this and I think buying a house with a boyfriend who can’t tell me when he wants to be engaged isn’t very smart.
Elise and Rick were engaged when they bought their house, so were several of our married friends, and I realized that’s the minimum stage in our relationship I want to be in before purchasing a home.
Luke’s reaction was not pleasant. He told me he felt like I was trapping him in a corner and demanding a ring when I wasn’t. I told him I wanted a plan and to see if we were on the same page, but I wasn't expecting a ring tomorrow or anything, just over the next year or so.
He told me he’ll propose when he’s ready and me bringing it up over and over again is making him not want to do it because he thinks I just want a ring, but I don’t. I want a family, but I don’t want to be one of those women who has a kid with a man who doesn’t actually want the same things I do. I told him that he doesn’t seem like he wants to get married, and that’s when he said it.
Luke told me he wants to get married but admitted he didn’t know any more if he wanted to marry me in particular. When I asked why, he said he doesn’t think I have enough ambition. Luke wants to get a promotion at his job (he works in marketing), he’s going to school for his masters, and he’s into self-improvement like going to the gym and eating healthier and mental health books.
He said he felt like I just wanted a marriage and kids and then I would be a SAH mom which he doesn’t want me to do. He wants me to work, but I work as a secretary for psychology service. Luke makes almost 3x as much as I do.
And I don’t want to go back to school. I hated it the first time, and I can’t afford to do it again even if I wanted to. Plus, I love my job. Great pay, great benefits, and my bosses and coworkers are really cool.
But he told me that was an excuse, and he doesn’t want to be tied to someone who is, as he said, “okay with just being okay” and that he wants more than that out of life.
I was angry because I feel like I’ve asked this of him before and he always said he wants to marry me. I did tell him before I wanted to be a SAH if financially we could afford it, and I guess he didn’t want me to be.
So, I told him I was done with the conversation and have been staying at a friend’s house. I’ve messaged him a couple times to try and talk to him since, but he only responds saying he thinks we are on different pages and the relationship needs to be done so we can find what we want.
I’m really sad and upset and feel like I wasted my time and that Elise was right. Luke took our relationship status off of Facebook and a ton of people have been asking what happened. His responses to my text messages also just seem so cold.
From what I’ve heard from mutual friends, he sounds like he’s doing okay and went out Friday night (New Years Eve) with some friends to a bar. No, I have not talked to Elise though she did reach out. But that’s what happened.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
Midnight-writer-B
My friend. I’m sure this is really tough. You both saw clearly that your paths are diverging. Good job getting answers before you’re tied together in a mortgage. I hope there are friends and family nearby for hugs and tea and loud karaoke and long walks. You should feel proud.
You are brave and strong. You stood up for what you need and your vision for your life. Being content in your job is wonderful. Knowing you want to have and likely stay home with kids is a valid choice.
A life with someone is many many decades long, and having a teammate who enthusiastically loves you for yourself is key. Wishing you a future of love, respect, communication and fulfillment.
wickedcherub
I was the first one to get married out of my friends and my husband's friends. We hadn't been together very long relative to our friends' relationships. Soon after our wedding, half of them were engaged, half were broken up.
I think weddings can really make people think about their lives and their futures and see what it is they really want instead of just.. Floating along and not discussing anything.
LittlestEcho
Yep. Essentially. My marriage broke something in my friend. We'd been engaged for less time than she had and her heart was broken. She'd been engaged to the same man since turning 18. By 27 theyd still not set a date for a wedding. Following my marriage we got pregnant right away and bought a house.
Long story short, hed used getting engaged to keep her invested in the relationship and decided he wasn't ready for the final commitment. Even when his dying dad expressed wanting to be there for their wedding, he still balked and refused. They broke up. She's happier now but God it was like over a decade of her being turned down on setting a date.
Valuable_Reputation1
Once she said “if I said that to Luke he’d leave me”, that should have been red flag number 1. She are better off without him, because Elise and the others are right, both people in the relationship need to be on the same page. Like was going to string her along for as long as he possibly could. He didn’t care about her in the end. She deserved better than Luke.
Quicksilver1964
The fact she knew her boyfriend was not going to react well to that and would break up, but thought her friend was wrong to voice what she wanted was... Sad. And what her ex said about her... Oof. He should have broken up with her before.
Also, I think her friend was pretty smart for saying exactly what she expected on her first dates. This is a good way to find out if the person you are looking to date wants the same things as you. And she was right. Hope OP learns that she can ask for a timeline when it comes to relationships.