Poly woman feels 'worthless' when BF goes for drinks with ex on Valentine's Day. UPDATED
"I hate that my BF is going out for drinks with his ex on Valentines Day."
I have no problem with my boyfriend going out for drinks with his ex. They broke up many years ago, she lives away and is visiting for a week or so. They didn't have a bad breakup, it was bad timing and they've stayed in contact since. She seems like a nice person.
I also don't do Valentines Day. I don't like getting presents or spending time with someone because they feel obligated to. I want that stuff to be natural and because it's wanted, not because it's forced. I don't expect today to be any different than any other day.
But the two lining up does suck. It sucks that I'm here alone, watching everyone do posts about Valentines day and watching what everyone is doing, and he's out with his ex.
It's not that I automatically think he's cheating or that it's romantic, or that its wrong. He messaged me saying it's weird and so nice to see her. It just sucks. And I hate that I feel like crying.
I hate Valentines Day, I've never ever had a good one, it always feels like garbage. I don't want to celebrate it, I don't want to be a jealous gf, I don't want to feel so lonely, I just don't want this. But ultimately I'm not going to say anything. And I know that's my fault and my failings. So instead I'm just going to be at home alone and cry.
Later the same day, the OP returned with an update.
So update for people to kind of explain my headspace:
I feel worthless. So I didn't recognize how letting lots of little things go was things I actually cared about. Until last night, I felt hurt but felt I shouldn't be allowed to.
He's not a bad guy, he just is stupid and oblivious to how he makes me feel sometimes. And that's not his fault, I can't communicate my feelings because I feel I have no right to them.
I have a lot of issues and am really messed up. I'm still figuring that out. I want to be in therapy but that's not available where I am. I am disabled with no ability to work or go private. It came to a head last night because I realized I was hurt and angry, but immediately shut those feelings down. And I guess I finally realized I shouldn't do that.
I've told him we need a break. That I don't know how to proceed. That yes he often makes me feel worthless, because he says nice things and says things he wants to do, but actually does the opposite.
My boyfriend loves in words, not actions. I feel love in actions, not words. And yes, I am poly. I've been in happy poly relationships before because I struggle with monogamous relationships. I hate feeling trapped and dependent.
But that was when I had other things in my life that made me feel worthwhile too, when I could work and have goals. And just because we're poly doesn't mean we don't have rules, friends, family and exes are still cheating. It isn't all or nothing.
This wasn't about cheating though, it was about how worthless I feel and realizing I shouldn't have to. That just because I don't want big gestures doesn't mean I don't need small consistencies.
I'm autistic and very traumatized by my past, communication skills are not something I was taught. I was taught to be quiet and not make other people upset or angry at you because that's not nice. That I don't love how normal people love, so I should just accept what is given.
But you can't really be in a relationship when you shut down all expectations and don't communicate what you actually need. I know he wants to work on things, but that involves me learning like basic human relationship skills.
I know the logical answers to problems, I don't know how to feel them and express them. I feel I've been pushed so far back in the priority of his life, and I've let him because I don't feel I deserve anything more. And I don't know how to come back from it.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
lol what in the world are you doing.
She’s literally her own worst enemy. She’s trying so hard to be a “cool girl” that she basically gave her blessing for her bf to go cheat on her with the “one that got away” on Valentine’s Day. And instead of addressing her feelings and standing up for herself, she’s just going to cry alone and not say anything. OP, have a backbone and some self respect Jesus Christ.
“I hate Valentines Day, I’ve never had a good one, it always feels like crap.”
That could possibly be bc you set the precedent that you “don’t care”. If you don’t care, THEY don’t care. Now look at you, crying because your boyfriend is with the one that got away on Valentines Day. You clearly care.
Five days later, the OP returned with another update.
I already did a mini one of these immediately morning after but damn has it been a rough couple of days. So yeah, this post was a problem. I have been annoyed at him and myself. He messed up and so did I.
It was never about whether I thought he was cheating, I know he didn't cheat and I don't think he will (yes, we're poly, but we still have the ability to cheat on each other by breaking rules we have in place, like no exes).
This was more about realizing I felt very unloved and worthless. Not because of this one act but because of months of his lack of actions and a year of degrading health that has taken away everything that gave me meaning and made me feel worthwhile.
When I got the message that he wanted to take me to dinner but hasn't planned, a dinner he had wanted to take me on for over a month but never found the time to, but found the time to suddenly go out for drinks with someone else, it hurt and I didn't understand why.
It wasn't because it was Valentines Day, it was because I'd seen everyone talk about how they felt loved and I realized I didn't. Because at the same time I was planning a mini trip for his month next month and realized he wouldn't do the same for me if he couldn't even arrange a dinner or an evening together that wasn't just on the sofa.
That just because this activity didn't have an immediate deadline didn't mean it wasn't important. And I realized through this post my immediate reaction to that was to push it down and not say anything. Which makes me stupid and pathetic.
So yes I have told my boyfriend how I feel. It's not about big gestures, it's not about who he choose to spend his time with, it's about the fact he couldn't find the time to spend with me. That if he wanted to be with me, he would have been before this point. Saying you want to be with someone, do things with someone, but constantly fail to do them is a problem.
I've also got a lot of work to do with my own self worth and communication ability. I lack a lot of the basic skills of recognizing my emotions and being able to communicate them. There's many reasons for this, not excuses but what has created this situation. I need to get better at that for myself, but also for anyone I am attempting to have a relationship with.
Me and my boyfriend have taken a couple days apart to think about where we want to go from here. Ultimately talking about the state of relationship is only part of the solution, what's more important is the actions we take going forward. I need to be more vocal in recognizing my wants and feelings, he needs to show me that he loves me and wants to be with me, not just tell me.
I know people are going to be angry I'm not just immediately breaking up with him. But this was never about cheating. Relationships breaking down aren't always about that, a lot of the time it's more nuanced then that. And worrying someone else is cheating is often more about the lack of self worth than what is actually happening.
I also don't believe you can't be friends with exes. I also strongly don't believe men and woman can't be friends. This is a very cis-het view on relationships and people. If you can't be friends with people you are potentially attracted to, how the hell do you think bi and gay people exist?
I'm bi, and in the circles I have known, this is never an issue. If you can't see people you've been with or the people you have the potential to want to be with as only objects, that's a problem with how you view fellow humans. I'm not in competition with everyone he's been with and can potentially be with, as he isn't to me; a relationship between two people is about those two people.
I don't know if we'll stay together, it depends on the coming weeks and probably months on whether we can get this stuff sorted and make progress to communicate better and give each other what we both are needing. Won't be updating on here anyway regardless.
Thanks for the people trying to actually help and listen, not just jumping to insult me or make me feel worse. Thanks to the people reaching out through messages too, this situation has taken a physical toll on me too where I've spend the last 2 days in bed with a migraine not eating, so just haven't had the energy to make conversation.
I'll do better for myself and expect more from my partner. I'd rather be alone and happy than in a relationship and constantly disappointed. So our relationship is on trail to see if it'll work. Small consistencies will determine that, not big gestures.
Ultimately I think it can be summed up with "just because I don't require much doesn't mean I don't deserve the bare minimum", both for how I treat myself and how others who care for me treat me.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Goddamn this girl needs to take a breather and a step back. She’s got way too much going on.
I'm not poly, but what I know from people who are, communication is freaking fundamental to being successful. And OP is definitely NOT good at communicating with their partner.
And then there's the OP not knowing what they want. Hates Valentines Day but also hates being alone with Valentine's Day. Wants poly relationships but doesn't want to communicate, assert their needs, or do anything else that one needs to be successful in that sort of relationship structure.
I get that they're autistic and disabled, but that's not an excuse for their behaviors. And I get that they're dependent on NHS mental health services, which are terrible in general, but goddamn, they seem to be full of so much woe is me without actually taking steps to solve some of the solvable problems that I can only imagine how exhausting dating them must be.
Maybe I’m TA, but I don’t feel sorry for OP at all. This is all just stupid and totally an example of a human making a huge mess for themselves then being a surprised pikachu about it, yet still totally in denial as to how it was all their own doing.
First, OP “hates” Valentine’s Day. Thinks it’s dumb. Doesn’t want an excuse for someone to be sweet to them. Ok. Then whines about how they’ve never had a good one…ok. Why would they with that attitude? That’s like me saying “I’ve never had a good May 24th…the date means nothing to me and I’m a grinch about it and yet, no one had ever made it a nice day for me!!!!” Like…what?
Secondly, she never tells her bf she wants to do anything on V Day…the day she hates lol. But is mad he didn’t ask. Ummm. Why would he when she knows she has that attitude towards it.
Lastly, They’re freakin poly. But OP is mad that he’s on a date with another girl on vday. But that’s a problem because he can date other ppl, just not his ex!!!! But he’s fine going to drink with his ex too as he has several times before…just not on v-day! The day Op doesn’t care one rat’s little ass about, if you couldn’t tell! OP sounds exhausting.