'Boyfriend of a year completely redesigned my wardrobe and ignores me in public when I don't wear the clothes he bought me.' UPDATED
"Boyfriend of a year completely redesigned my wardrobe and ignores me in public when I don't wear the clothes he bought me."
So I've been dating my boyfriend (who I'll call Troy) for close to a year now and for the most part things have been great. My friends love him, my parents love him, even my Aunts and Uncles who he's never met love him because of what my parents say about him. But lately I've been feeling insecure about our relationship because of something that's been going on since we got together.
Some backstory:
Troy and I started off as friends and then we moved in together. What we did most with our free time was clothes shopping.
Troy is very stylish and he always gets showered in compliments whenever we go out and people always ask him where he gets his clothes. So I loved shopping with Troy because he always picked out great outfits for me to wear, because guess what? He knows women's fashion too.
But things were different before we started dating because I was the one paying for my clothes and I obviously didn't spend money on things that I didn't feel comfortable wearing even if he liked them.
Fast forward to us dating and there's barely any clothes in my closet left that I bought or had much say in buying. I get complimented on my clothes often (which I like) but my friends and coworkers just default to saying things like, "Tell Troy he did a good job." How I dress doesn't define me but I feel like I've lost part of who I am and a bit of my individuality.
I also live in a very hot location, and for some reason no matter what Troy wears he never seems to sweat. I, however, sweat like crazy, so sometimes I dress comfortably. When I do, I can tell he is a little embarrassed to be out with me. He hates tank tops on women and never wears sweats in public and, before him, I wore those things a lot.
He is a really nice guy about it and hes never asked me to change but I can tell hes uncomfortable when I dress down. Its a struggle to get him to hold my hand, he spends more time on his phone than usual, and he won't kiss me in public.
And on top of that, I don't even have to be dressed in the really bummy clothing for him to act like this either. If we don't match in level of style when we go out, he behaves differently. I'm starting to hate going out of the house with him.
I've talked to him about it and he says he doesn't think its so bad that he isn't as affectionate in public when I'm not dressed well because he is very affectionate when we're at home no matter what I wear. So I just want to know if I'm wrong to be insecure. Is this actually an issue or am I creating an issue in our relationship with my own insecurity?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
If Troy were older, or if this were 20'ish years ago, I'd swear you were talking about my friend 'David'. David did this to the first several girls he dated. And I mean right down to the pouty ignoring behavior if his girlfriend was dressed down when they went out.
David is now married to Lance. David is gay. More accurately, David is gay EXCEPT when he's got a doll to dress, and then he is totally able to be attracted to her. As soon as she'd rebel, as any self-respecting woman eventually will... he'd suddenly lose all attraction and would move on.
Now I have no idea if that's true of Troy or not... but I gotta tell you, reading your post was like reading a biography of David when he was the same age.
A year in, and he won't be affectionate with you in public if you are not a fashion plate. What if you get sick, or gain weight, or have an acne flare up, or get hurt, or any number of things that could affect you appearance? Will he drop just you all together?
I think this is intensely weird-- it seems like he is affectionate with you in public not because he cares about you, but because of the image you are projecting. This is not normal, and you can find somebody who won't be able to keep his hands off you if you were in a potato sack.
It has nothing to do with your insecurities and everything to do with his. He's embarrassed to be seen with you when you don't meet his standards and that is a huge red flag. If you're starting to hate going out of the house with him and he doesn't seem to care about a compromise, I would really evaluate the relationship.
Is what you have at home enough for you to give in to dressing how he wants you to or would you rather be with someone who makes you feel beautiful no matter what you're wearing?
However, if you really like this guy you could try to stick it out to see what the root of his issue is. Was he bullied before? Does he feel he has to portray a certain image to avoid being judged? You coouuld try to work through that with him, if he seems like he would be willing. I, myself, would run. Fast. I like dressing up but I love being comfortable.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
So basically I feel horrible about myself now because of what happened tonight and I'm just waiting for all of this to blow over. I woke up a few hours after I posted last night, read your responses on my phone, bf cooked breakfast, we both went off to work just like usual, no biggie.
He gets home before me so when I got back he was sitting in the living room watching tv so I sat down next to him and we just watched silently. I didn't say anything for the entire episode of the show because I figured he would have said something first if he wanted to talk.
It seemed like he had something on his mind so I asked him if something was the matter and he said no, and then I asked him why he was being so quiet. He then apologized and sort of perked up and asked if I wanted to go out to this bar/restaurant/bookstore place we'd gone to a while ago that we really liked. I said yes.
A few hours pass and he seems a little mopey, but I just let him do his own thing, figuring he'll tell me whats wrong when he is ready. He lets me know he wants to leave soon so he goes into the room to get dressed and I join him.
Now I understand I might get some judgement for this based on all the complaints I made in my original post but I like to ask Troy's opinion on what I should wear sometimes. I'll pull some things out of the closet and ask him what he thinks and he'll give an honest opinion about it.
Anyway, I picked out a shirt and skirt that he bought me and asked him what he thought and he stopped to think for a bit, walked to the closet, dug all the way in the back and pulls out some of the clothes I bought for myself a long time ago.
He told me he thought I would really look good in the outfit tonight and he'd like to see me in it since I haven't worn it in a while. So I obliged, put the clothes on, and we were off.
It felt really good for him to do that for me. In all fairness, the clothes look really nice like something he'd usually pick out, but its been so long since he has recommended I wear my older clothes and it felt like he was intentionally being nice.
Troy continued to act a little different the entire night and I didn't know why. When he parked, he walked over to the passenger's side and opened the door for me, then he extended his hand to help me out of the car and he didn't let go of my hand after I was out (not in a violent way, he was just holding my hand). It was nice, but it wasn't what I was used to.
When we got inside he was pretty quiet. Similarly to how I said he acted when I didn't wear what he wanted, but every time I acted concerned about his behavior he would dismiss it and bring up a topic to talk about.
The things he brought up to talk about were just random small talky type things, really nothing that could sustain a significant conversation so the evening was kinda awkward.
We left about 2hrs later and I still didn't know what was going on. We were both silent in the car for a bit and then he suddenly breaks the silence by saying, "I don't want you to think that I'm ashamed of you when you're not all dolled up how I like."
My heart sank into my stomach when he said that, I just replied, "where did that come from?" He said he was just thinking about it. But I knew where, and I was screaming inside my head. I realized I never signed out of this throwaway account on my laptop and he must have stumbled upon my post from yesterday.
When we got home I just figured we were past the point of no return so I pulled up my laptop, found the post, and asked him what he had to say about it. He was shocked at first and then he realized I knew he knew I knew. He asked how much I agreed with the comments, but I saw what he was getting at so I told him that I wasn't about to break up with him.
Then he told me he needed to clarify something. It was a long explanation so I'm gonna paraphrase. He told me that he knows he acts like a jerk sometimes by ignoring me but that its not entirely about me not wearing his clothes.
Basically he told me he gets quiet and distant with me about other things too but he is not trying to manipulate me he just feels stuck. By stuck he meant that he: 1.gets upset by something I do--2.doesn't want to lash out--3.wants to bring it up to me--4.realizes that the issue is really small and he's embarrassed to admit it bothers him, so he ends up upset and quiet.
He's afraid I'll call him sensitive and get annoyed at him for it (which I've never done). He said with the clothes thing it was never really about the clothes, it was about this thing he says I do.
I apparently go out of my way to get his opinion on something for me and then just ignore it and make the choice that I wanted to make in the first place which bothers him and that's what I did those handful of times where he ignored me in public.
I sort of called BS on that because of the comment he made about him thinking it was okay to only forget about how I'm dressed when we're home and then he told me he just said that because he was annoyed at me and he knew it would bother me.
Then he brought up an occasion where I dressed how I wanted to and he didn't treat me differently in public and how he never packs my bags for me when we leave town.
I told him that not communicating with me when he's upset isn't okay and that it hurts me when he ignores me, and he acknowledged that it was wrong. But honestly at that point I was feeling like the jerk.
Here I am showing him a group of people on the internet that pretty much hate him now based on some misunderstandings, calling him names, and telling me to leave him, and my laptop light is just shining in his face the whole time.
It got pretty silent and awkward... I was just sitting there staring at him while he stared at the ground. But then he says, "Did you see the guy that called me a gay d-bag?" And he laughed, so I felt comfortable laughing.
We both apologized and hugged for a really long time and he told me he was going to bed. He usually goes to bed a lot later than he did but I didn't feel like I should stop him.
So I'm currently feeling pretty terrible, but things will probably be okay by tomorrow. And I guess I'm glad he found the post because we really reached an understanding tonight because of it. I'm just really embarrassed for getting it wrong...
It was just that comment he made that one time we were out that made me think all those things and led me to those conclusions about his opinion of me. I wish he never said that but I guess that's that.
A few hours later, the OP returned with their final update.
(This is probably my first and final update. No need to push this story any further. Just assume things turn out well for us and cross your fingers that I don't have a reason to update again.)
I'm awake again and based on a lot of similar responses, I suppose I should clarify some things. His explanation was really long as to why he does what he does so I didn't include everything he said and I guess I left out some really important information. He apologized for how he behaves when he gets quiet sometimes and he told me how much of an issue it is for him.
He says he's lost a friend in the past because of it, because they eventually got fed up with his attitude and spent less and less time with him and its something he's really been trying to work on. We both know its an issue, he knows I don't approve but I'm trying to get him more comfortable telling me when he's upset.
Another point I want to make is that I don't feel like he shifted the blame on me for how he acts. I don't feel as though me changing my mind and ignoring his suggestion is right but neither of us feel like the way he responds is okay either. He was just telling me why he acted the way he did. I understood where he was coming from, but that doesn't mean I approved.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
Was being 22 always this exhausting?
I'll call it a happy ending when he promises to communicate with you better.
He’s weird and creepy and I really hope she’s free of him.
BF: “I'm only quiet in the moments of clarity when I recognize that I am a controlling jerk and the things I want to say are controlling and jerky! So I am forced to be quiet since there is nothing else in my brain besides controlling jerk comments, dont you see?!”
OP: “oh I’m so sorry for thinking you were a controlling jerk! Let’s stay together! What will you let me wear tonight?”
God I hate this one. He manipulated the situation and pushed all the blame onto her and she's completely oblivious even when it's pointed out to her. It's really sad.