'My BF made a one-off comment and now I can't stop thinking about it.' UPDATED
"My BF made a one-off comment and now I can’t stop thinking about it."
We’re currently doing distance and just got done having a lovely, fall getaway in a little mountain town. We had an amazing time and all in all, I’d say it was one of the better weekends we’ve had as of late. However, on our last night in town, we were bar hopping, and just chatting when I said I’d never been to a pumpkin patch before.
He seemed to have an ah-ha moment and responded along the lines of “oh that makes sense, I was wondering why you hadn’t taken me to a pumpkin patch yet” and just chuckled a bit, but it didn’t come off very light hearted like the conversation had been prior.
Now, normally something like this wouldn’t get a second though from me. But in the 2.5 years we’ve been together a constant point of contention was the lack of “effort” or “planning” I put into the relationships and dating. Mind you, this entire weekend trip was planned and paid for by me, as was the last weekend visit we did before this one as well.
His argument that I don’t plan things has never sat well with me since it’s a blanket statement that just isn’t true - I’ve planned many a date, reservations for job opportunities, at home quality time, etc. -
But conveniently during a lot of those plans, they don’t pan out because he starts an argument with me over something (what I’m wearing, why I didn’t tell him to dress up more, ogling other men while on said dates???). Or if I make plans with other friends/family, he gets passive aggressive and scolds me for never putting the same amount of effort into him as I do them.
Part of why I can’t get over this comment is because the last visit we had where I went to his home town, he commented on the pumpkin patch his city puts on every year. He mentioned how he’s gone a handful of times and that it was a go-to date for him back when he was single… am I wrong for feeling weird about all of this?
He’s always portrayed himself as a traditional/provider type of man but the majority of the relationship I’ve been the bread winner, I’ve helped him an ungodly amount financially, and I’ve sacrificed a lot of time and relationships with family/friends, and even prioritized him/the relationship over my own work and graduate school responsibilities.
In hindsight I 100% feel like he love bombed me hard and who he is now is nothing like how he portrayed himself to be, or continues to think/see himself as. Typing this all out, I feel pretty icky, but I’m just wondering if I’m overthinking things at this point.
Here are some of the top comments and OP's responses:
I don't think you're overthinking at all. When you say you've helped him financially -- girl are you saying you've helped with his bills or given him money? Alongside this trip that you planned and paid for? And last weekend another trip?
He sounds ungrateful. He sounds like he views you as the person who's supposed to be in charge of entertaining him. You're in charge of making sure he has a good enough time and is comfortable enough. And if he's not having a good time then it's because of you.
I dunno. He sounds immature. He sounds like he's trying to train you to cater to him, but luckily if it's a point of contention then the training isn't going as well as he'd like. Still, I'd stop investing. This is gross behavior.
athenafreed OP:
I’ve helped him by letting him move in with me, covering expenses months he couldn’t, giving him money to help him sell his house (which he was upside down on), and funded an entire out of state move for a job opportunity that ended up not working out, all to just move back home again when I was working 2 jobs, doing school, and told him I felt like I needed space/time to reset.
I’ve quite literally given this man the last of what I have just for him to turn around and be so terribly mean to me. Safe to say the fog has lifted after the comments and conversations I’ve had with all you ladies.
Why are you doing so much for him ? wtf
athenafreed OP:
At the time, he always framed it as “this is what good partners do” or “if you really loved me and supported me (because no one else does) then I shouldn’t even have to ask for help” type s^%$. It’s honestly INSANE typing out and thinking back on.
The fact that he has such strained relationships with all his family and few friends should have been my first warning. He’s always the victim in story, without fault.
Because he was married before, dated single mothers, and just had a more extensive relationship history than me (I’ve had only one other serious one) he always seemed me the immature one. I always had something to learn from him and all his experience. “If you’d just listened to me” or “why can’t you just follow me or listen to what I say.”
Nine days later, she shared this update:
Hi all! Long story short we broke up. Over a week of bickering and arguing followed after that same weekend over something different. I was the one to upset him but he couldn’t stop speaking horribly to me, insulting me, or just being mean to me over it. I apologized endlessly for upsetting him but when I asked that he stop being so mean with how he spoke to me he said I deserved it.
So among all the other various red flags that have been there the entire relationship, the comment about the pumpkin patch and the aforementioned behavior with another argument was it for me.
He was taking out his financial situation/lack of employment on me, saying I didn’t deserve to complain about anything (one of my two jobs gave me a 2 week notice during all this and I was blindsided by it), that I should be grateful for having a masters degree (which I have loans for just like my first degree),
and that losing one of my jobs was just karma for me being ungrateful since I don’t know what rock bottom looks like (this coming from his resentment that I’ve always had my family to lean on when needed). He called me a goody two shoes, gated community kid that doesn’t know s#*& about the real world, all while I’ve been the breadwinner and financial support for us both most of the relationship.
He disrespected the hard work my parents did (20+ years of military service each and they both still work) to give me and my siblings the life we have and I just couldn’t deal after all that was said.
I’ll be getting the last of my belongings next week since we were already distance and I’ll be rid of this narcissistic a$$hole forever after that! I have my masters graduation in December, I’m treating myself to an all ladies retreat in Egypt as a celebration (which my ex had an issue with because I wasn’t putting that money towards “us” - shocker).
And I’m getting so much quality time back with my family after I let him isolate me. I’m rekindling the relationship with my two childhood friends that I lost over this man, I’m on social media again (I had to delete it because he again had an issue with it) and I’m just feeling like myself again.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
Doesn't sound like he ever really liked you, but he liked having you bankroll his lifestyle for him. 🤷♀️
athenafreed OP:
He always tried to play things off as a “you know I say things when I’m mad or angry” kinda deal but I just don’t buy it. Anytime we have argued (which was endlessly) he resorted to name calling, insulting personality traits of mine, lifestyle choices, my family, my friends. Any and everything about me was fair game and he’d say awful things.
I never use to stoop to his level at first but after 2 years of it I started firing back. But of course the “mean” things I say are what gets held over my head now. The guy had crazy insecurities and nothing was ever good enough for him so he projected it onto me. So glad to be rid of him.
You're better off now, OP! I know it hurts, but you deserve so much better than that trash.
athenafreed OP:
I truly do! He never missed an opportunity to tell me what a high value man he was and how he gets looks/attention from women all the time so go find a different one that will put up with your toxic s%^$. I’d rather be at alone and at peace!