'My BF of 8+ years won't propose. I gave him two ultimatums.' MAJOR UPDATE

"My (32F) boyfriend (36M) of 8+ years won't marry me."

I've been with my boyfriend for 8.5 years, and we've been living together at his apartment for 5 years. Like any long relationship, we've had our ups and downs, but in the last 2 years everything has been great. I know he is my person and I am his.

He's a great guy (not just to me, but to friends, family and strangers), cares a lot about me, shows affection, communicates well, has financially supported me while I finished my degree, and we have a great time together, both on a daily life basis and on special events like travels and all.

We pretty much are already living a married life (without kids), but that alone doesn't fulfill my dream of marriage. I want a celebration of our love, I want to share this moment with our friends and family, I want to be a bride and plan this major life event with him, and I have voiced this to him a few times.

A few years back he was unsure of our future together, but we worked on our relationship and are in a great place, so now when I talk about planning a wedding and marriage he seems to be onboard with it, at least he entertains my thoughts, but so far I haven't seen a ring.

I've kind of given him two ultimatums: I won't invest any money in buying a bigger place together if we're not married (we've been cramped in his bachelor pad for the last 5 years and are getting tired of it) and I won't celebrate double digits of being boyfriend and girlfriend, but even that seems like too long of a stretch now.

But honestly I don't think I have the courage to walk out of an otherwise perfect relationship, so I just keep dragging this and building resentment with every anniversary, with every time I see the surprised faces of people who ask how long we've been dating and with every wedding of people in our circle.

I just feel stuck while everyone else around us is moving on with their lives. How do I get him to finally propose or at least admit he won't ever do it so I can be free of these bad feelings of uncertainty?

TLDR: I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years, living together for 5 years, we love each other and live a happy life together. I want to move forward with our relationship and get married, but he won't propose and I'm getting tired of waiting. How do I get out of this limbo place?

This is what people had to say to OP:

aetheravis said:

Bluntly put, you can't make him do anything. Confront him and have an honest conversation about it. You want marriage, full stop. If he doesn't,then you're better off walking away.

DotDry said:

Doesn't seem that "communicates well" works well here for either of you.. he should be able to have a conversation with you on how he sees this long-term and you shouldn't give him ultimatums for something like this. Did you ask him honestly what's his view/plan?

OP responded:

I mean we communicate well in general.. we talk openly about our feelings, sex life, finances, relationship to others, etc. But on this specific topic I haven't been so direct. Both "ultimatums" were said more like a joke to see his reaction, and he just played along with it.

Having conversations about long-term plans, like buying a house or having kids gives me the impression that he sees us together long enough to fulfill these plans, but we haven't had a serious conversation about marriage in a while (2 years at least). I think I'm avoiding it because I'm afraid to pressure him, so I keep just casually/jokenly mentioning it and trying to read the signs of his responses.

And Consistent_Spring853 said:

If he hasn't proposed yet and that's what you want and he knows you want to be a bride, I don't think he's going to. That's a deal breaker for me. I would break up cause you're already growing resentful. Ultimatums don't work.

OP then added this edit to their original post:

I'm not from the US, so maybe it's a wedding culture thing there, but where I'm from, we just love a good party, any party. When the reason for it is to celebrate the love and union of two people, it really brings people together in a very unique way, it always gets me emotional even as just a guest. That's what I love about it and dream of having as a bride.

There's nothing to do with having a big fancy event to post on social media and live my Disney princess dreams. Even the ring thing, I was talking about it figuratively. It isn't a tradition for the men to get the fiance an engagement ring, this just got popular here recently. Usually they both get their wedding bands and wear it on the right hand till the wedding.

Legally, I'm sure there are differences between my country and the US, but marriage pretty much affects the same aspects of our lives. Even roommates have contracts, their names on a lease or something. I don't have any legal ties to him right now. I understand some people can live together for many years without it, but for me, this is important to feel secure about our future together.

About kids: since the beginning I knew didn't want any, and he didn't have a strong opinion about it and was ok with anything I decided. We still talk about having kids, to check on each other and see where we're at on this matter. I've been having second thoughts, and he is still onboard if I decide I do want to. But that's not the reason I'm upset I'm not married after 8 years together.

I haven't asked him directly if he wants to get married and why recently, so I haven't gotten a straight answer since a few years back when it was a no. I've been just casually touching on the subject to try to get a glimpse of where he's at, and he seems positive, acknowledging that we are in a much better place now that we worked on those issues.

So after reading all the comments (that I really wasn't expecting to get!), I realized the next logical thing is to have a direct and honest conversation with him, I just need to figure out how to approach it. We have a big trip coming up next month, so I'll probably wait after that. Thank you all so much for your input and advice, I appreciate all perspectives!

Two months later, OP shared this update:

I debated posting an update, because now that everything is resolved I feel kind of silly about posting in the first place, but maybe this can find someone in a similar situation and help.

I should add that I am an over thinker and anxious person, and this is probably why I got here in the first place. After 8+ years of relationship, I started doubting our future only because of the lack of initiative on his part, and it's like all the algorithms decided to feed these feelings with similar stories that didn't end well.

So I started over thinking everything, and basically ignored all the signs that we were doing great, like his constant reassurance that he loved me and was happy with me, when he would look me with mesmerized eyes while just going about our daily life. I felt so loved and cared for, but the lack os a proposal had to mean something was wrong, right?

A week before our big trip, while introducing the topic of marriage, trying to start a conversation like I was advised here, he was really dismissive, trying to change subject, and that sent me spiraling down on anxious thoughts.

When he realized that hurt me, he immediately back tracked, started apologizing and said that he was only avoiding the subject because he had something planned and wanted it to be a surprise.

When asked on other occasions, months before, he had confirmed his intentions of marrying me one day, but this time was different. It was enough to lift any doubt I had, and I also didn't want to ruin any surprise so I dropped the subject.

Then, as expected, during our trip, in a beautiful place, doing what we always loved doing together these past 8 years, he proposed! It was one of those moments that I felt really seen, like everything was thought out to make me happy, without me having to ask for it. He even managed to record it in the most unsuspicious way, so I'll always have something to remember it.

So this upgrade is to say that every relationship is different and every life has a different timeline. There isn't any amount of years that automatically tells you the other person doesn't want to get married. Obviously I'm not saying to ignore any signs, but you have to look inside the relationship rather than compere to others and seek external validation.

Even though most comments on the original post went in a different direction, I probably wouldn't have started that conversation with him when I did, and wouldn't have been so relaxed during our trip when he proposed. So I appreciate you guys for that!