'My BF has a problem with me visiting my ex-BF and won't admit it.' + BIG UPDATE

"My (F27) boyfriend (M29) has a problem with me visiting my ex-boyfriend (M28) and won't admit it."

TLDR: In two weeks, I'm visiting my ex-boyfriend (who has become a close friend), his family, and friends for a few days. My boyfriend claims he's fine with it, but his behavior suggests otherwise. Overall, our communication is good, but I'm bothered by his sudden change regarding this situation.

My ex and I were together for four years, but we amicably separated six years ago as we grew apart, typical of young love. Since I spent two of those four years living at his parents' house, I grew close to his family and friends, some of whom I still stay in daily contact with, including my ex (mainly on Snapchat, but we don't chat much – it's mostly for sharing updates or keeping streaks).

That's why I visit the town 100km away every year for the annual "town festival," to see old faces, share stories, and have fun. The festival lasts from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon, and I often help with serving, setting up, and cleaning.

I've been dating my current boyfriend for four months, locally. It's a relatively new relationship, but I've learned from past relationships the importance of open communication, which has worked well for us. I've never hidden the fact that I'm still friends with my ex, nor that nothing has happened between us since the breakup.

A few days ago, we discussed our weekend plans for the next few weeks, and I mentioned my upcoming visit to my ex's home in two weeks. He didn't take it well, even though he had never had an issue with our friendship before. He finds it "weird" and "odd" that I'm visiting my ex while being in a new relationship, and I agree with him. I'm aware that it's not the norm.

I've never given him a reason not to trust me. I've never cheated in past relationships, and having experienced being cheated on myself, I know how painful it is, and I'd never do that. He says he trusts me, or rather, he says he "has to trust me" because he has no other choice. He doesn't forbid me from visiting my ex, but his tone and behavior indicate that it bothers him.

When I asked him how he feels about it, he simply said, "I can't change it, so it doesn't matter what I think." I understand that communication is a learning curve, and this is his first longer-term relationship, so I'm willing to be patient as we both navigate this. However, it's been five days since we first talked about it, and there's no improvement in sight.

I'll definitely still visit my ex because my main goal is to see people I'm not in touch with on social media. But I don't know how long I can tolerate my boyfriend's lack of communication. It's just a tiny part of our relationship. Most of the time, he communicates openly. It's just in this case, he's not, and it's bothering me immensely.

Edit: Thank you very much in advance for all the comments. Unfortunately, I have a very busy weekend ahead, so I won't be able to respond to everyone, but I will read every comment. Just from quickly skimming through, I've already noticed some things that will definitely give me food for thought.

Edit 2: Just a few things I've read a few times; I offered my boyfriend to come along. My ex's parents took me in like their own child, and I'm sure they would be excited to meet my boyfriend, their "foundling." However, my boyfriend declined without giving a reason. He also didn't want to meet my ex beforehand, claiming it would be "weird."

Edit 3: My "main issue" is that I'd like to talk about the whole situation, possibly find a compromise, and ease both his and my conscience. However, it's challenging when he doesn't want to discuss it with me. That would be fine; we don't have to talk about everything. But he denies that there's anything to discuss, yet at the same time, he makes passive-aggressive comments that suggest he's not okay with it.

Edit 4: I wouldn't have a problem if he visited an ex. I generally trust him until he gives me a reason not to. But apparently, that might be naive of me? I just want to mention that his ex girlfriend is literally his work colleague, that he spends 8 hours every day, 5 days a week with. And I don't have a problem with that; I actually find it good that they separated without it being toxic and that they still get along.

Edit 5: I won't be staying in my ex's house; I'll be staying with his neighbor, with whom I'm in daily contact.

Who do you think is in the wrong here? This is what some of the top commenters had to say:

Comment 1:

You would do that to me exactly twice: the first and the last time. Unbelievable behavior.

Comment 2:

Who does something like that 😅 I would never in my life let my girlfriend go to her ex, let alone stay overnight. Even maintaining contact with the parents and, even worse, the ex, I can't comprehend. I couldn't do it in my life, and I think it's very rare for another guy not to care if his girlfriend talks to her ex. Usually, it's a big no-go. I don't know anyone who would be cool with it.

Comment 3:

I can understand that you don't want to simply give up on your acquaintances/friends from the past. However, please be aware that this is a tough pill for your boyfriend to swallow. He's your ex, and I assume you'll be staying there as well? That would be a problem for many.

Your boyfriend seems to be doing his best to cope with the situation and isn't forbidding anything, yet you're still dissatisfied? He's showing you that it hurts him, and you (in my opinion) are just finding faults in him (communication) instead of seeing what you're currently expecting/demanding from him.

I don't want to attack you, but I want to give you some food for thought: your views on meetings with ex-partners and perfect communication may not necessarily align with his. Give him some time to process this, instead of counting the days when, in your opinion, he's not "functioning ideally"

A month later, she shared this major update:

First of all, a massive thank you to everyone who commented. As I mentioned, I didn't have time to respond to everyone over the weekend, but I read everything multiple times. You tore me apart in the comments, but that's exactly what I needed – a wake-up call. I realized that I definitely mishandled the whole situation by presenting my boyfriend with a fait accompli.

That was pretty selfish of me, probably because I haven't been in a serious relationship for six years and had gotten used to a lifestyle where I only had to consider myself for decisions. But that's, of course, no excuse or justification for my actions, so on to the actual update.

After the weekend, I initiated another conversation with my boyfriend. First and foremost, I apologized and basically explained to him what I wrote above. That my freedom over the past few years had apparently made me selfish and uncompromising, and that I definitely need to work on myself and how I communicate things.

I then tried to explain to him in more detail why visiting my ex was so important to me. His family took me in when my parents kicked me out back then. They loved me as if I were their own child, just when I needed it most. Not just once did they pull me out of a depressive (in one case, even suicidal) pit, and I will be forever grateful for that.

I'm still in regular contact with my ex's friends and meet up with someone from the group about every two months. I tried to make him understand that I'm not specifically going to see my ex but everyone who lives in that village. The annual town festival is THE weekend of the year when everyone comes together there.

I told him how sorry I was but that the visit had been arranged for almost 10 months, and they were also counting on my help with the festival, and I would feel guilty. I had been looking forward to the festival for so long that not being able to go would break my heart a little. But despite all of this, none of these things were the end of the world, and they could somehow be straightened out.

If he really wanted me to, I could cancel it. His reaction surprised me. He communicated that, thanks to the detailed explanation, he now understood and was happy for me to see those people again. He said that what had originally bothered him was how I had communicated it. He told me to go and have fun. However, he couldn't come along due to other commitments.

The following two weeks were quite uneventful. Whenever the visit was mentioned, he genuinely seemed happy for me. Fast forward to the Friday I was supposed to leave. I came home from work at noon, packed the last of my things, and was ready to drive off. Except I couldn't find my car keys. I was sure they were on the hook that morning, but they weren't there. I searched the entire house. Nada, nothing.

I then messaged my boyfriend, who was still at work, asking if he had seen them. After half an hour, he replied that he didn't know, but he could check his pockets to see if they were there. I thanked him and waited.

Another half-hour passed, and he messaged that they were indeed in his pocket but that I didn't need to come to get them (it would take 30 minutes each way by public transport) because he'd be home in an hour anyway.

I thought, alright, I'll wait for that hour and then leave. That way, I'll see him again before I go. After an hour and a half of waiting, I called him. He was still out with a colleague having a drink. At that moment, I had already given up on leaving that day without being overly tired. I told him not to rush, that I'd wait.

So, I laid down on the couch and watched some TV series. Shortly before 11 at night, my boyfriend came home slightly tipsy and acted like everything was normal. I asked him if he could give me the car key so that I could leave early in the morning. After a few minutes of hesitation, he said that he had left it at work.

Up until that point, I had remained calm because mistakes can happen. But then, I got angry. I asked if he was serious. Yes, he said, he was sorry, but there was nothing he could do now. The office was closed until Monday. But we could have a nice weekend at home. At that moment, I still didn't want to believe that he had orchestrated all of this, although the thought had briefly crossed my mind.

I also couldn't talk about it anymore and started crying. To calm myself down, I decided to take my luggage and stay with a friend. In response, he left the room without saying a word and returned a minute later with the car key, which he had suddenly "found" and asked me to stay until the next morning.

After another 15 minutes of crying, I drove to my friend's place anyway, and the next morning, I went to my ex-boyfriend's. Because I was there to help with the festival, I didn't have time to think about the situation or talk to him. But during the car ride home, I spent a long time trying to find a logical explanation for his behavior. I failed miserably. It's not even his car.

He hardly ever drives my car, and when he does, he usually asks beforehand. So, I was pretty sure that all of this was planned. When I got home, he acted as if everything was okay, but he still seemed passive-aggressive. After unpacking, I confronted him during dinner about whether the whole thing was really an "accident."

After repeatedly asking him because things seemed illogical to me (e.g., why he should take my key to work at all), he suddenly got very angry. He said he never said or meant it that way. Was I too stupid to understand his words? Both he and I exchanged insults and shouted at each other. Then a plate flew in my direction, and I left and spent the rest of the day with friends.

I knew the relationship was over, but he may not have realized it yet. The next day, while he was at work, two friends and I packed all of his things, and then we waited for him to come home. He probably thought he could talk his way out of it again, but I told him it was over. He didn't want to accept it until he saw his packed things.

He became loud and aggressive again, but after a ten-minute tirade, he finally returned my house key (threw it on the ground and spat on it) with the words "You damn slut, you'll regret this when you die alone! But at least you can screw your ex without a guilty conscience. That was surely your plan, that's what you wanted, right?" and then he left.

Since then, I've blocked him everywhere and haven't seen him, and I hope it stays that way. I used to think that stories like these, when you read them on Reddit, are often exaggerated or even made up. And now something this crazy happened to me. I have no idea where it came from or how deep these aggressions were lurking inside him.

To be honest, I'm still shocked by what came out of him. I've never been so afraid of another person and actually don't want to deal with the incident anymore, which is why the ending is probably quite short and lacking detail compared to the rest of the story.

TL;DR: I sincerely apologized and promised to work on myself. My boyfriend told me he forgave me and it was okay for me to visit my ex, but on the day I was supposed to leave, he hid my car keys to stop me. I ended up going anyway, and when I returned home, he exploded because I went. He threw a plate at me. Now he's also my ex-boyfriend (but I definitely won't be visiting him).