'My BF wants to have a child and I am not ready so he went behind my back.' UPDATED
"My BF wants to have a child and I am not ready so he went behind my back. What do I do?"
This is a throwaway account, as I don't want this on my main one. I’m a 26-year-old woman, and my boyfriend (also 26) and I have been together for three years. We met in graduate school, where we were in the same class, and after six months of dating, we moved in together. He’s a wonderful boyfriend, kind, generous, and always willing to help out. We split household responsibilities 50/50.
We’re both in the same field, but he works from home while I go to the office three days a week. I handle breakfast, and he takes care of dinner on the days I go to work. All in all, things have been great between us.
When we first started dating, we discussed everything from kids to marriage. We both agreed that we would wait until we’re financially stable before taking that next step. While we’re comfortable now and no longer living paycheck to paycheck, we still have student loans to pay off. Otherwise, we’re debt-free.
Recently, though, things have taken an unexpected turn. Over the past few weeks, my boyfriend has been trying to be intimate without using protection. While I’m on birth control, we had always used protection in the past.
A few weeks ago, we were at his parent's house, and his mom made a comment about how beautiful our children would be and how excited she was to be a grandmother. I brushed it off as a sweet, casual remark, as his parents have always been kind to me, but they’ve never brought up children before.
Then, last week, I noticed my birth control pills were missing from the medicine cabinet. I asked my boyfriend about them, and he claimed he didn’t know where they went. I thought he may have accidentally thrown them out and bought a new pack.
But when I couldn’t find that one either this week, I confronted him again. This time, he admitted that he had taken them because he wanted to start trying for a baby.
I was shocked. We had not discussed having children, and we hadn’t even talked about getting engaged within last 2 years. I reminded him that we had agreed to wait until we were more financially stable.
He explained that he and his mom had talked and believed now was the right time to have a baby, since we’re no longer struggling financially. It hurt to hear that his mom was involved in this decision.
I asked him if that was why she had brought up children, and he admitted that he had told his parents and friends we were trying for a baby, but had asked them not to tell me, claiming I wanted to surprise everyone.
I feel betrayed. Instead of discussing it with me, he went behind my back. I told him I needed some time alone, so I went to my parents’ house. I haven’t told them the full story, just that he’s on a work trip and I didn’t want to be alone.
I’m really confused about what to do next. I love him, but this feels like a huge betrayal. I’m not sure how to move forward. His mom has been calling me, and she spoke to my mom but hasn’t mentioned anything about the situation to her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
HE HID YOUR BIRTH CONTROL PILLS. Because HE feels ready. He tried to take your choice away. This is not a man you want to stay with. This is deception at the highest level. You’re not telling your parents because you know it’s BAD.
i'll repeat it because it's important... HE TRIED TO TAKE AWAY THE CHOICE. this was an attempt at FORCE.
This. OP he doesn't give a damn about if you want kids or not and has NO respect for you. It takes two yeses not one yes one no for decisions like this! See the massive red blaring light for what it is because he went way past using red flags.
The only ones who should be involved in the baby decisions are the two of you, NOT the three of you. They made the decision FOR you without caring outside of getting caught. Run, don't walk away just freakin run.
This is insane of him; walk away now. Trying to babytrap you because him and HIS MOM decided that you should get pregnant?!?! Imagine one of your friends telling you this about her boyfriend—I assume you would encourage her to leave the relationship immediately.
Me and my mom decided you’re going to be a SAHM. Me and my mom decided she’ll be watching the baby and you’re going to work. Me and mom decided to vax/not to vax. Me and mom decided to pierce/not to pierce our kid’s ears. Me and my mom decided the baby should start eating solids - mom started with icing from a cupcake!
“He’s a wonderful boyfriend “ is always followed by atrocious things wonderful boyfriends would never do.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to comment and share your thoughts. I truly appreciate the kind advice and different perspectives. It’s been incredibly helpful to hear all of your viewpoints, and it’s given me a lot to reflect on as I navigate this situation. I had already made the decision to break up with him, but I just needed to get everything off my chest.
It's early morning here, and I've been crying all night. This all happened on Saturday evening, and I came straight to my parent's house afterward. They could tell something was wrong, but I told them I wasn’t feeling well, so they gave me space while offering comfort and support.
After reading all of your comments, I wanted to clarify a few things: We did talk about marriage and children early in our relationship, but over the last two years, he never brought up either topic again.
As for why I haven’t told my parents yet, it's because I wanted to process everything first and be able to speak to them clearly about what’s been going on. My dad is very protective of me, and I know that if he knew what had happened, he would be at my apartment in a heartbeat to confront my boyfriend.
This hurts so much because I didn’t expect this side of him. He was a good boyfriend, not just to me, but to my family as well. He would go out of his way to help my parents with household chores and pitch in at our place without even being asked, vacuuming, doing laundry, anything he could.
He’d surprise me with different foods he thought I’d like.
Even his family has been kind to me. I’ve never had an issue with his mom or dad.
His mother regularly invited me to mother-daughter brunches with her and her daughter, both of whom have always been good to me. This whole situation is incredibly painful, and I’m still processing everything. Thank you again to everyone for your support.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
It happens. I have a coworker whose ex was like this. He absolutely won her entire family over. They loved him so much that when he started hitting her they kept telling her to just take it.
When he beat her so bad he tore about every single ligament on her back and she was in the hospital for a while and she finally filed for divorce. Her family got mad at her and stopped talking to her.
He was always so nice to them that they refused to believe that he did it on purpose or that he would do such a thing. They pressured her to the point that they were helping him keep their children from her. They tried making her homeless and they called work a few times about her trying to get her fired.
I’m the end she felt she had no option but to get back together with him, a month later he made her quit work. I hope she’s okay. My guess is he was trying to win over your family to this point. But I hope your family is sane and they just have your back.
Honestly if you guys have mutual friends I would ask them what he has been saying about you. If he has already been trying to convince people that you are trying to get pregnant it be nice to know what other lies he has been telling about you and your relationship.
Predators don't just groom their victims. They groom their entire communities.
Look up “reproductive coercion”, because it is one of the worst forms of abuse imaginable. Get out now. If he’s willing to do this now, before you’re married and before you’re saddled with a child and financially dependent upon him for your daily needs, imagine how bad it will be when he controls other aspects of your life.
I do not think there is any coming back from this, as you might never be able to trust him again. Also, even if you decided you are on board with having children in the near future, you want a coparent who is mature enough to discuss issues with you, not run to his mom and decide what to do behind your back.
His actions showed that he is a small man, too scared to have difficult conversations with you, which actually prove that he is nowhere near ready to be a good husband and father.
He threw your birth control away twice. He decided to try to get you pregnant without talking to you about it first. What else will he decide for you?
I don’t think I could overcome something like this. He made a life altering decision WITH HIS MOTHER and didn’t see the need to include you. Depending on the relationship you have with his mother I would consider talking to her.
If she’s horrified and rips him a new one then at least you know it was only him acting this way, if she tried to explain or excuse his behaviour then you know what your future would look like if you choose to have children for this man and his mother.