Girlfriend discovers boyfriend has been hiding her birth control pills; 'mother says it’s time for kids.'
"My (26F) BF (26M) wants to have a child and I am not ready so he went behind my back what to do?"
ThrowRA_bcole (OP)
I’m a 26-year-old woman, and my boyfriend (also 26) and I have been together for three years. We met in graduate school, where we were in the same class, and after six months of dating, we moved in together. He’s a wonderful boyfriend, kind, generous, and always willing to help out. We split household responsibilities 50/50.
We’re both in the same field, but he works from home while I go to the office three days a week. I handle breakfast, and he takes care of dinner on the days I go to work. All in all, things have been great between us.
When we first started dating, we discussed everything from kids to marriage. We both agreed that we would wait until we’re financially stable before taking that next step. While we’re comfortable now and no longer living paycheck to paycheck, we still have student loans to pay off. Otherwise, we’re debt-free.
Recently, though, things have taken an unexpected turn. Over the past few weeks, my boyfriend has been trying to be intimate without using protection. While I’m on birth control, we had always used protection in the past.
A few weeks ago, we were at his parent's house, and his mom made a comment about how beautiful our children would be and how excited she was to be a grandmother. I brushed it off as a sweet, casual remark, as his parents have always been kind to me, but they’ve never brought up children before.
Then, last week, I noticed my birth control pills were missing from the medicine cabinet. I asked my boyfriend about them, and he claimed he didn’t know where they went. I thought he may have accidentally thrown them out and bought a new pack.
But when I couldn’t find that one either this week, I confronted him again. This time, he admitted that he had taken them because he wanted to start trying for a baby. I was shocked.
We had not discussed having children, and we hadn’t even talked about getting engaged within last 2 years. I reminded him that we had agreed to wait until we were more financially stable.
He explained that he and his mom had talked and believed now was the right time to have a baby, since we’re no longer struggling financially. It hurt to hear that his mom was involved in this decision.
I asked him if that was why she had brought up children, and he admitted that he had told his parents and friends we were trying for a baby, but had asked them not to tell me, claiming I wanted to surprise everyone.
I feel betrayed. Instead of discussing it with me, he went behind my back. I told him I needed some time alone, so I went to my parents’ house. I haven’t told them the full story, just that he’s on a work trip and I didn’t want to be alone.
I’m really confused about what to do next. I love him, but this feels like a huge betrayal. I’m not sure how to move forward. His mom has been calling me, and she spoke to my mom but hasn’t mentioned anything about the situation to her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
stellaluna29
This is insane of him; walk away now. Trying to babytrap you because him and HIS MOM decided that you should get pregnant?!?! Imagine one of your friends telling you this about her boyfriend—I assume you would encourage her to leave the relationship immediately.
somewhenimpossible
Me and my mom decided you’re going to be a SAHM. Me and my mom decided she’ll be watching the baby and you’re going to work. Me and mom decided to vax/not to vax.
Me and mom decided to pierce/not to pierce our kid’s ears. Me and my mom decided the baby should start eating solids - mom started with icing from a cupcake!
Prudent-Reserve4612
HE HID YOUR BIRTH CONTROL PILLS. Because HE feels ready. He tried to take your choice away. This is not a man you want to stay with. This is deception at the highest level. You’re not telling your parents because you know it’s BAD.
sb0212
Honey, you’re the surrogate for BF and his mom. They made a decision about your body without your consent. Do you have any idea how insane that is? All your BF had to do was communicate TO YOU that he felt ready to be a father and ask your feelings and thoughts on the subject.
Don’t have intercourse with him, he’s going to baby trap you. This isn’t normal or healthy. What other life altering decisions will he make without you? It’s insane. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
AgitatedCricket
I could never trust anyone that did that to me ever again. That is such a huge violation of your body autonomy. If he can do that, what else is he capable of y'know?
Dingo-thatate-urbaby
“He’s a wonderful boyfriend “ is always followed by terrible things wonderful boyfriends would never do.
JTBlakeinNYC
Look up “reproductive coercion”, because it is one of the worst forms of abuse imaginable. Get out now. If he’s willing to do this now, before you’re married and before you’re saddled with a child and financially dependent upon him for your daily needs, imagine how bad it will be when he controls other aspects of your life.
The OP then provided a brief update.
ThrowRA_bcole (OP)
Thank you all so much for taking the time to comment and share your thoughts. I truly appreciate the kind advice and different perspectives. It’s been incredibly helpful to hear all of your viewpoints, and it’s given me a lot to reflect on as I navigate this situation. I had already made the decision to break up with him, but I just needed to get everything off my chest.
It's early morning here, and I've been crying all night. This all happened on Saturday evening, and I came straight to my parent's house afterward. They could tell something was wrong, but I told them I wasn’t feeling well, so they gave me space while offering comfort and support.
After reading all of your comments, I wanted to clarify a few things: We did talk about marriage and children early in our relationship, but over the last two years, he never brought up either topic again.
As for why I haven’t told my parents yet, it's because I wanted to process everything first and be able to speak to them clearly about what’s been going on. My dad is very protective of me, and I know that if he knew what had happened, he would be at my apartment in a heartbeat to confront my boyfriend.
This hurts so much because I didn’t expect this side of him. He was a good boyfriend, not just to me, but to my family as well. He would go out of his way to help my parents with household chores and pitch in at our place without even being asked, vacuuming, doing laundry, anything he could.
He’d surprise me with different foods he thought I’d like. Even his family has been kind to me. I’ve never had an issue with his mom or dad. His mother regularly invited me to mother-daughter brunches with her and her daughter, both of whom have always been good to me.
This whole situation is incredibly painful, and I’m still processing everything.
Thank you again to everyone for your support.
Readers responded:
reetahroo
I’m sorry this didn’t work out. I’m sure this is such a shock and hard to process. I think breaking up is the best thing for you. He betrayed you. Your future is yours to have a say in and he tried taking your choices away.
What kind of partner would he be if when he and his mom decide something he will sabotage and betray you to make it happen. It hurts now but you would have hard a lifetime of hurts if you stayed. Best of wishes for you.
noonecaresat805
It happens. Honestly if you guys have mutual friends I would ask them what he has been saying about you. If he has already been trying to convince people that you are trying to get pregnant it be nice to know what other lies he has been telling about you and your relationship.
AlokFluff
I really think what you saw of him so far was just the mask abusers use to lure you in - Which can be there for years, until they feel they have you sufficiently trapped in the relationship. That's the reason abuse often starts during pregnancy, and why abusers will use reproductive coercion and abuse to force pregnancy onto their partners.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. But he's revealed who he truly is, and how little he values your autonomy. You are not safe around him. Talk to your family and let them help you. 💜