'My boyfriend has been collecting my rent for a free house. Am I overreacting?' UPDATED
"My boyfriend has been collecting my rent for a free house. Am I overreacting?"
I've been living with my boyfriend for a year. I'm a graduate student so I have a very minimal income and I'm very upset about this but my boyfriend says he was trying to do something nice.
My boyfriend and I moved in together to a house that he found. He arranged all the landlord stuff and told me to send $1000/month to the landlord's bank account (this is a very normal rent for our area, but I could have probably spent less if I'd lived in an apartment.) I have been doing so for the last year, only to find out yesterday from his mom that his parents actually own the house and they aren't charging us rent.
Upon hearing this, I asked my boyfriend about the $13k that he has had me send to some account, and he told me that he was doing it for me as a gift to give back later so I could "see how much I've saved."
I'm livid. I'm not irresponsible with money; I have no debt and I even have some savings. Over the last year, there have been things I've had to miss out on because they just weren't financially feasible without this money.
There have been some times when I couldn't get my tires replaced, or couldn't get a new blazer to replace my threadbare one so my boyfriend got to swoop in and save the day.
It always made me feel so bad that he could live just fine on his salary (not THAT much higher than mine) but I couldn't live well on mine. Now I know it's because he was spending $1000 less than I was every month.
I don't know what to do. I feel upset and uncomfortable about the whole situation but my boyfriend won't listen to me. He keeps saying that this was supposed to be a surprise gift and I'm taking it the wrong way. I don't know what to think. Am I overreacting?
Edit to clarify that his parents didn't seem to know anything about this and were under the impression that neither of us was paying rent.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
You aren't overreacting, he broke your trust and doesn't really respect you if it's true. I'd ask for the money back now, how do you know he even still has it really? This would be relationship ending in my book. He is treating you like a child not a partner.
bf_throwaway137 (OP)
I asked for it yesterday and he got very angry. He said that if he gives it back while I'm mad at him, I'll leave him and that I owe him anyway for the times he's supported me financially. I know I should pay him back some of it, but I certainly don't owe him $13k, more like $1k.
I’m guessing he was never going to tell you and the “saving for you” story only came out because he was caught. I’d have a hard time continuing in this relationship. This is a major deceit.
To be fair, even though his parents own the house, it WOULD be reasonable if they wanted to charge rent, but it seems he was just taken no advantage of the situation.
It would be an entirely different story if he was up front with you in the beginning and said something like “Mom and dad own this house and want to charge x dollars for rent” or even, mom and dad own this house and don’t want rent, but I’m uncomfortable with that and want us to pay them x amount”. But he just flat out lied and took your money.
Two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
I told my ex boyfriend I was moving out with or without the money and he told me that if I left him, he could keep the "gift" for himself. I told him whatever and called his mother and told her I was leaving.
She asked why and I told her the whole story. She asked me to give her a few minutes and then she would get back to me. I heard her call my ex in the other room and could hear her yelling at him through the phone.
She called me back and told me to take pictures of the rooms. I sent them to her and she gave me the all clear over text. She also sent me an apology for my ex's behavior. I left and thought that was that.
A few days later, I got a check in the mail for $15k from my ex's mom! Not exactly justice (because the original money was indeed probably gone), but I walked away feeling pretty good about the whole thing.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Thank god for the mother, came through and handled it. Ex was a controlling pos. He was gonna hold that money over her and I’m glad oop was ready to leave regardless.
It’s weird that this exploitive dishonest person has such a nice, ethical mom. The apple fell far from the tree in this case!
> he was doing it for me as a gift to give back later so I could "see how much I've saved."
he was never giving that money back until he got caught.
He kept "swooping in and saving the day" buying her tires or a new blazer with her own money. I feel it in my soul that this was what happened. He didn't have 1k/month more than she, he had 2k more.
No, absolutely not, unacceptable. At best, it’s paternalistic, at worst, it’s… what this is. What an absolute scammer. Well done OP for walking out. Good on his mom for sending the money over, but I hope she gets it back from her son at some point.