Boyfriend angrily wipes off whiteboard girlfriend had 3 years of her novel on; 'He erased my passion.' + UPDATE
"My (28F) boyfriend (30M) erased the whiteboard I had my novel timeline on. 3 years."
10ptfont
I have been working on a novel for about a year. I write every day, even just a sentence. Six months ago, my college switched to smart boards and put all their whiteboards in the garbage. I grabbed two because I have a huge wall space open in my living room.
Most of my writing is done on my Google drive but I have things like character personalities, names, places, a general time line. Etc. You know, stuff I want to remember. I used to take photos of it so I had my ideas with me... I used to write on my lunch break. I stopped doing that because I burned myself out and my writing quality took a huge dive.
Plus, my boyfriend was then helping me write and it helped us connect in such a deep way. So I haven't taken a photo in about three months. The whiteboards are nice because I can read my notes across the room while I'm sitting in my favorite chair.
I got home last night and all of my stuff was erased. It was all train of thought... like I'd come home and jot something down. Hand writing is way more cathartic for me. I had sketches of things in the novel.
I'd basically have to go through and remember every single thing on it. I have a lot of it stored in my head or on my Google drive but there are some things I'll never get back. But it's the fact he erased it. We don't live together.
He told me I've been focusing too much on it and have "no time" for him. We hang out at my house five-six nights a week. I write while he plays video games. It's a good dynamic and I thought we enjoyed it.
We are always laughing and he helps me with my wording and I google stuff to help him in his game. This is the first time he's mentioned it bothering him. If he had brought it up, we could have talked about it. But he went nuclear and I have no idea why.
I don't know what to do. I'm so frustrated. We have had one serious argument over his driving. He got better. My family took him on vacation a few weeks ago. We watch his nephew all the time. His family paid for my entire spring semester.
We are so much a part of each other's lives and I feel so hurt and heartbroken. He's my muse and just the other day we went to the jewelry store to look at rings. My feelings rotate between rage, sadness, confusion, sorrow, anger... everything. How do I even approach this?
Last night I was so upset I asked him to leave. He hasn't texted. He hasn't called. He hasn't stopped by. I keep typing in questions to ask but I keep erasing them. "Why did you do it" "are you unhappy with our relationship?" "What did I do?"
I'm even more heartbroken due to the fact that he hasn't called or texted all day. I'm afraid to call him. I don't want to hear him say he thinks we should break up, or he doesn't want to be with me when I'm writing. Or just ignore my call.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
thedarkestbeer
This was an unbelievably fucked up way to deal with those feelings. I hate your boyfriend right now. Remember in Little Women when Amy burned Jo's book because Jo wouldn't let her come to the theater with her? That was pretty messed up, but ultimately Amy was a child, and she would grow up and be better.
Your boyfriend can't do better than the most-hated March sister. He's showing you that when he doesn't get his way, he will punish you and destroy the things you care about. This isn't an isolated incident; it's an important piece of information about his character.
If he comes back with a massive apology and a plan for how he's going to deal with his feelings in the future in a non-destructive way, then maybe I'd say it's worth a conversation about continuing this relationship.
4b3ats
Who does this?! Text him the dreaded "we need to talk" message. Ask him when he's available, and have him come over to use his words like a goddamn adult. Also: take his key away, or change your locks if you don't want to be that upfront about it. He lost his privileges.
To be honest though, in all sincerity, I don't know if this is something I could move past. It comes off as so cruel. He knew exactly what he was doing, and he chose to go into your home when you weren't there because he knew he was doing something wrong. He either knows he messed up, or he feels as though he's in the right, and that's why he hasn't reached out to you. I'm shocked and appalled on your behalf, OP.
blinkingsandbeepings
Wow. I'm honestly shocked. Like he didn't even do this in a moment of anger during a fight, he went over to your house and did it while you weren't there. That's messed up.
He could have brought up his concerns in a million different ways, some better than others -- my spouse is a writer, so I know that feeling of getting jealous of the novel, and I haven't always been super constructive in the ways I've brought it up.
But instead of having a discussion with you he decided to act unilaterally to sabotage your work. Your feelings are totally valid here. I can't even imagine how angry you'd be.
Three months later, the OP returned with an update.
10ptfont
The night I made my post I went to a friend's house and she ordered a pizza, we got ice cream, and a bottle of wine. She's a straight shooter, takes a neutral approach, and she gives solid relationship advice so I felt comfortable talking to her about everything.
She couldn't figure out why he'd done it. We went over how he and I hung out, how much he seemed to care about me. How we looked into each other's eyes.. but it also revealed a lot of hesitation on my part. I'm a positive person and tend to forgive faults, or overlook them. I suspect it's some sort of coping method from my childhood.
We had some unresolved issues I think he was holding in, but when I'd bring them up he'd just get kind of salty and go "it's fine I don't care anymore" but he'd bring them up in arguments. I didn't realize how toxic it was.
That same night I told him I was coming over the next day to talk about things. I told him I'd be over around 11 and the only thing he texted me was "ok" which I didn't respond to.
I went over to his house at 11 and he was still asleep. He got upset when I woke him up. It took the wind out of my sails. On a good day I cry if something upsets me, but I was so angry and heartbroken I couldn't even think. I left without saying a word to him, he didn't follow me. On my way out I went to the kitchen and took my house key from his key ring.
I drove home in a daze, collected all his things, put them in a box on my porch, and texted him to come get them. He said, "What the hell? That's fine I'll come by later and pick them up." I went out with a few girlfriends, we got day drunk and had some amazing food. It made me feel better. But, when I got home and his things were gone, I was heartbroken.
I never texted him. He never texted me. I got absolutely no closure and even though people say closure is BS, I've had the hardest time moving on. It's been three months and I still cry in the shower sometimes.
Even though I broke up with him, I still feel so confused and heartbroken. I never figured out why he did what he did, I likely never will, and I miss his help and companionship.
I'd love to come here and say I finished my book. But I haven't written much since. I can't get into my characters heads anymore. There's a feeling of loneliness and grief and that's sort of helped me create a better outline. But I can't write about my characters.
The other day I went to the bookstore to study. I ended up looking at books related to time travel and found one that has thousands of positive reviews. My novel is science fiction and I've been trying to think of how to incorporate time travel. So it kind of lined up perfectly.
It turns out a lot of my ideas mirror theoretical physics. It's eerie. I've never taken physics or read about it. Suddenly string theory makes sense. Cosmology makes sense. I'm blown away and it makes me feel so weird that so much of my plot has been studied so in depth.
The book has lit a fire under me. Reading more about everything makes me so excited and it's helped me really flesh out my plot. I can't put it down and read 20 or so pages a night.
I haven't actually made time to sit and read a book for years. I always have a notebook with me now so I write my ideas down. I haven't written about my characters yet, but my passion is back. My plot is making more sense.
Now I don't care much about how we broke up, I'm not confused. I sometimes get sad at night or during the day, or if I go out and make prolonged eye contact with a guy. I haven't thought about dating and I'm still too hurt to pursue it. But everyday I move on a little bit more.
I wanted to thank everyone who gave me advice. I forgot about my post until just now, and when I went back through the read it, it made me realize how seriously messed up it was. And it gave me closure. Thank you.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Zen_Wanderer
The way he reacted when woken up at 11am (wtf) and went NC literally the moment he was cast out showed there were deeper problems. That and the erasure of the notes is some stupid amount of insanity.
madpiratebippy
She has no idea what bullet she just dodged. He erased the notes after they went ring shopping. A LOT of violent abusers are perfect and lovely till they have you trapped. Marriage, a house together, a baby- once you are tied to them, THEN they ramp it up.
They almost always start with a test first, and breaking sentimental or important items of the other person is a huge one. He was about to put a ring on it so she couldn’t get away, thank GOD he did this first.
HobbitGuy1420
Anyone who destroys something their SO loves, *just* because the SO loves it, doesn't deserve to have an SO. That sort of cruelty is... ugh.
peter095837
As someone who enjoys creating stories and writing, I feel for OP.
It's been awhile, I hope OP is able to find someone who truly loves them and continue to write.
SmartQuokka
This kind of power play either ends in a breakup or the victim forgiving and forgetting and often the behaviours and control escalating. I am glad OP went straight to breakup.
DivineMiss3
She says that even though she broke up with him, she's still confused. No, she's confused because he broke up with her by erasing her white boards, not caring when she stopped communicating and sleeping when she arrived to talk things over. He's done.