Boyfriend’s gambling addiction shatters trust afer he secretly loses $21K. AITA? + UPDATE
"I (32f) just found out my boyfriend (36m) has been gambling behind my back and lost over $21,000."
wineandsunfl0wers
I don't really know where to go from here and could use some advice.We've been together over 3 years, and we've lived together for two. It wasn't my money thank god, and we don't share any bank accounts, but over 18 months that's what he's blown in crypto casinos.
I only found out because I wanted to make a budget for us and asked if I could get his bank login to see his monthly statement, and after some hesitation he said "if I give you that you're just going to leave me.." and came clean.
He said he has been gambling for months and spent thousands. I don't think he even knew the extent of what he spent, but he gave me his login and I did all the math.
Over 21k over 18 months and that's only as far back as the bank would let me see....it could be even more than that. Some days he spent hundreds. One day he spent almost 3 grand... I am stunned.
I caught him once before in February and he had spent $700. I told him if I found out he gambled again it would be a deal breaker and he swore he wouldn't do it again.
Well not only had he already been doing it for months he continued to gamble the very next day. That could have also been his chance to come clean and tell me about his problem but he was too afraid of the consequences.
In the meantime he always complains about being broke and we never do anything...no dates, no trips, and I don't need lavish gifts but surprises now and again would be nice, and he would always say that he would "spoil me if he could" but he just doesn't have the money.
We also adopted a puppy in July and although he paid for half of her cost, I've paid for everything ever since. All her vet bills, food/treats, training classes, crate etc.
He owes me about $600 and he could have paid me back or pitched in this whole time but sat back and said nothing as I paid. The same goes for our apartment, nearly everything in it I have paid for and the excuse was always "I don't have the money for it."
I just always took him at his word even though he makes twice as much as me. He always paid bills on time and his share of the rent but still had no problem with the above.
He says he is going to go to counseling (has an appointment booked) and is going to a GA meeting on Monday. I told him I was going to my parents for a few days to get some space and he begged me to stay, promising that things will be different and that he will change.
I feel I do love him but I feel so betrayed and I don't know how I can ever trust him again. We could have done so much with that money... HE could have done so much with that money just for itself... it so disappointing.
If I move out I can't afford to live on my own and will have to move back in with my parents. If I stay I'm scared what the future will look like. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Especially from anyone who has experiences this or something similar.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Implantexplant
So I’m not a gambling addict but I have gotten sober from substances. I was rarely ever able to get sober without actual consequences. I had to lose the job, lose the relationship, lose the friendship etc before I took action.
One of my jobs gave me a lot of chances and I didn’t commit to sobriety until I finally lost it. That doesn’t mean you can’t have a relationship with him in the future. But I think you’re doing the right thing by moving out for the moment. It sounds like he’s doing GA etc to keep the relationship and that will only work for so long. He has to want this for himself for it to stick.
wineandsunfl0wers (OP)
Thank you for your feedback I really appreciate it. You're right he has to want this for himself and I can't trust anything that comes out of his mouth right now. I hope he's serious about changing..if not for me then for himself. Maybe me leaving is the consequence he needs to realize he needs help and he needs to stop.
mangoesRlife
The advice is to get out. Leave this situation and let him get the gaming addiction help he needs. This isn’t something that you’re going to be able to make him do.
JudgeyReindeer
I know people who have lost their houses to gambling addict partners. I would stick to your guns and leave: he was told it would be a deal breaker and yet he still did it. That is the end of the trust right there. You cannot reason with addiction. Cut your losses and leave.
Because these things are never that easy, if you are not prepared to leave him, you need to separate and secure your finances. Do not share passwords or pin numbers with him. Do not let him see you log onto your bank or anything like that. Go to a support group of family members with gambling addicts to get some insights and support. I wish you all the best.
Lollc
Mom and Dad's it is. I had a family member with a gambling problem, who was much older than your bf. The problem ended when he died.
Roughly one month later, the OP returned with an update.
wineandsunfl0wers
I just wanted to post an update on my situation. I gave it a lot of thought, and I decided to end things with him. We'll be giving our landlord 60 days notice and for now I've moved back in with my parents.
It was a really hard decision and I feel horrible. I love him and miss him but I couldn't trust him anymore and (ironically) couldn't take a gamble on my future. I hope I made the best decision... for him and for me.
I want to thank everyone that reached out and gave me advice. It really helped and made me feel less alone in this. That's all for now, it's time to focus on myself for a little while.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
kgbubblicious
My parents were friends with another couple their age. The husband in that couple developed a gambling addiction in retirement and secretly gambled away their life savings including their house: the wife only found out the extent of the damage once her husband died and she was left penniless. You are right to leave before he can access and lose your money.
wineandsunfl0wers
God, I can't even imagine how devastating that must have been for her. Staying and having something like that happen was one of my biggest fears.
cynical-mage
Thank god they didn't co own their home or were married, poor woman 😥
Fairmount1955
This is the kind of update I want. Good for her for not being manipulated.
babyredhead
Thank goodness she got out. It was only a matter of time before this would be emptying her pockets too - can’t pay rent so she has to cover it, can’t pay a bill so she has to cover it, maybe even getting into her accounts.