'My boyfriend just got married. Not to me. Am I an idiot for staying in the relationship?' UPDATED
"My boyfriend just got married. Not to me. Am I an idiot for staying in the relationship?"
25F/25M, been together for 8 months. My boyfriend is in the military and absolutely hates his job and especially having to live on base with 18 year old idiots in a place where his boss can come find him at any hour of the day or night and tell him to do something.
Having had my fair share of bad living situations I completely understand how that one facet of your life can make such a big difference and I know how much he wants out. The problem is, he isn't a high enough rank to live off base unless he's married.
He has brought up the idea a few times before and I always told him it upset me to think of him marrying someone else, even just on paper. Last week he started pursuing it more intently with a co-worker of mine who is Canadian and hoping to gain citizenship.
We had a long talk and I told him all of my concerns and he told me that he was thinking about it as solely a business deal and that it wouldn't change anything between us. I still told him I really didn't want him to do it. The next day he picks me up at work and tells me he's meeting the girl to go get married that evening. I flip.
He drops me off and it takes me a 3 hour walk to talk myself into staying in the relationship. But he showed little to no remorse about it when we talked later, just gave a trite apology when I asked for one, and hasn't been doing anything to try to make it up to me or make me feel loved and respected.
I am absolutely in love with him and I want to be with him. I feel like we mesh so well and we're perfect for each other. He assured me that he loves me and doesn't want our relationship to be temporary, etc.
He won't be living with her - he'll get his own apartment and she'll just have her name on the lease and that will be her official residence, they'll have a joint checking account just for paying rent and bills, etc.
(honestly I see this working out very badly and am pretty sure they're not going to get away with it. All of his co-workers and bosses know me or about me, so him suddenly being married to someone else is going to be a giant red flag.
Not to mention they're trying to screw with immigration laws which is just such a ridiculously stupid idea since any casual look into either of them will make it obvious that they're not in a relationship, haven't had communication with each other before about a week ago, and are doing this as a scam. But there's no reasoning with him about it.)
Am I being stupid for staying in this relationship just because I am in love?
Or is that enough to make it worth staying and trying to work things out?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Are you kidding? YES you are an idiot for staying in this relationship. For the record, what your boyfriend is doing is incredibly illegal. I believe the penalties for doing this are also much harsher for enlisted than for a civilian if/when he gets caught.
It is worse to commit a crime while in the service because it's one of the only places I know of (university being the other that comes to mind) where in certain cases (such as this one) you can be punished by both military and civilian judiciaries.
waterbear171 OP:
Yeah, I know. I think he made an incredibly stupid decision. The potential consequences for both of them are incredibly high. He could get fired (which will have major negative impacts on the rest of his life trying to get jobs), she could get deported, they could both be fined ridiculously and/or got to jail.
It just sucks because before this happened everything was so wonderful with him. We're so ridiculously happy together. He just made such a stupid, irresponsible, reckless mistake.
Run. Run fast. As someone who married a Canadian (not for a greencard, for wuv) I can tell you that there are a series of interviews your SO and his wife are going to be a part of, they will also need to show that they have been sharing marital assets (bills, mortgage, pets, share bank accounts).
By a simpler term, they will have to prove to the US government that are in fact not a sham couple. they will need letter of recommendations from friends and family stating that their relationship is honest and true. So now, not only do you have them lying about it, but you also have other people in on it.
waterbear171 OP:
EDIT: Thanks internet strangers. I think I knew as soon as it happened that the relationship was doomed. Honestly on Thursday when we talked about it and he was so completely resistant I knew.
But he tried to make me believe that I was the one being selfish and unreasonable and overly emotional. And because I love him I tried to believe him. I tried to convince myself that I could excuse this, that it wasn't a big deal, that it wasn't worth breaking up over.
I needed strangers to tell me that I'm not the insane one, that it's insane to think about being with a person who would do something like this. So thank you for the validation.
The next day, the OP returned in a different subreddit with more information and even more questions.
I'm not looking for advice, I just feel like I need a safe place to express what I'm actually feeling. My (25F) ex-boyfriend (24M) did something so incredibly, unbelievably hurtful, thoughtless, and disrespectful.
He then tried to make me feel like I was being irrational for thinking we couldn't make it work, that I had to break up with him after an 8 month relationship. (may seem like nothing to many of you, but it was the longest relationship I have ever had, so it seems epic to me.)
His actions during this time showed me clearly that he had little to no regard for me and never truly loved me. In fact when we were breaking up he actually told me that "it was never real."
Obviously I was and am angry. I'm angry that I was treated that way, I'm angry that he would do that, say that. I'm angry at myself for ignoring the warning signs and staying with him as long as I did.
I'm angry at her for marrying him I'm angry with them both for going on a camping trip together with people I introduced him to, people I have to work with, less than a week after we broke up. I'm angry.
But I'm also really sad. It hurts that I lost my best friend, the person I was closest to, the person I loved. It is painful to lose my companion, the person I spent at least 48 hours straight with every weekend.
It's really hard to try to figure out how to be alone. Even though he never thought about it in these terms, even though it was "never real," I miss being an "us." I'm really heartbroken and I miss him.
And that's the hardest thing about this. Because all of my friends are rallying to my side and supporting me and calling him an AH and telling me how much better off I am without him, and that I shouldn't have a problem getting over such a thoughtless idiot. But I am. And I can't go to them with my sadness. They won't get it, they'll tell me he doesn't deserve my tears. They won't allow me to feel what I'm feeling.
It confuses and angers me too. Because I know it's true that I'm better off without him. I can look back in time and identify red flags, I can see actions I excused as what they really were - selfish and thoughtless. I know that I deserve better and I don't want him back. But I'm still really sad that I lost him.
This is a terrible ranting post and I'm sorry. Thank you for giving me an outlet to express my confusing emotions and grieve for my failed relationship, for what we had, for the dreams I had of what could have been.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Hooo boy. Green card fraud while in the military is definitely something to stay far away from, even when you're not the primary person perpetrating the fraud.
8 months? And he disrespected the relationship already by making a unilateral decision? I know OP is hurting a lot now but she has to know that he didn’t really love if he was willing to do that after that short of a time period.
I applaud OP. I would not have had the self restraint and would have reported both the bf and the coworker to the appropriate authorities. Also to the coworker, really? Giving up Canadian citizenship for American citizenship? Where you'll go broke trying to fix a broken bone?
Ohhhh I hope OP comes back and tells us how incredible her life turned out to be so many years later. And maybe a little update on her idiotic ex, lol.