'I just found out my boyfriend knows nothing about me.' UPDATED
"I just found out my boyfriend knows nothing about me."
Hi everyone. I’m posting this because I genuinely want to know if I overreacted or if this is actually weird. I (25F) have been dating my boyfriend (25M) for about 5 months.
Overall the relationship felt good, we spent a lot of time together, went on trips, and things seemed pretty serious, and I've already met his parents and extended family multiple times. (He hasn't met mine yet, but they live states away so that's understandable).
However, I had started to have this sneaking feeling come up every once in a while where I realized he might not actually know that much about me. Like something would come up in my life or I’d be talking with friends about a story from my past and I’d think, wow… he’s never even asked me about that.
Things like my childhood, what my family dynamic is like, details about my work, or even the summer I spent living in another state for an internship. None of those things had really come up because he’d asked about them. At the time I kind of brushed it off. I figured maybe we just hadn’t gotten around to those conversations yet.
Maybe a little more context for how I found this out. Should I have talked to him about this in a different situation? Probably. But whatever it's too late now. We were out at a bar with friends and we were definitely quite a few drinks in. At one point we called an Uber to go home, and when it asked for the drop-off address he couldn’t remember my address.
This was a little weird because he had been to my apartment a lot and had literally put my address into his maps multiple times before, but hey its not a super memorable number so I brushed it off.
While we were outside waiting for the Uber though, something just came over me. Yes, alcohol was definitely involved, but I suddenly got curious and asked him if he knew my middle name.
Silence.
So then I asked if he knew my parents’ names.
Nothing.
Where I was born.
Nothing.
What I majored in in college.
Nothing.
At this point I was kind of half laughing, half horrified, so I kept going trying to think of other questions like if he knew my family cat’s name literally grasping for straws (he's a self proclaimed cat person).
Still nothing.
Meanwhile I knew the answers to all of those things, no matter how intoxicated. I know a lot about him — stories about his childhood, how his parents met, things from college, his favorite foods and desserts, etc.
I’m actually the kind of person who keeps a note in my phone with little things about people I care about so I remember them later — like what he likes to order at different restaurants, random facts about his childhood, even what he wanted to be when he grew up.
I was never expecting him to get every answer correct on my "quiz" but not one?? Realizing he didn’t know any of those basic things about me felt kind of shocking. And that’s when it really hit me that my boyfriend of several months might not actually know much about me at all… and naturally I started sobbing on the sidewalk outside the bar.
We eventually went home and I tried to explain why it upset me so much. I told him it made me feel invisible, like I could basically be swapped in for any other girl. He did apologize for forgetting those things, but he didn’t really seem to understand why it was such a big deal. He mostly just kept saying he was drunk and that he wouldn’t forget again.
What hurt the most though was that in that moment he didn’t really try to comfort me either, at the bar or at home. He didn’t hug me or reassure me, and he didn’t say things he did know about me to show that I mattered to him.
Meanwhile I was just crying and really emotional, and he ended up falling asleep while I was still crying.
Now it’s been a couple days and I’m honestly not even sure if I can get over it. So I’m curious what people think.
Is it weird that my boyfriend of 5 months didn’t know these things about me, or did I massively overreact because alcohol and emotions were involved?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Ask him if knows who broke up with him today?
I had this happen.
Your history is unimportant because you only exist to entertain him now.
He doesn’t care.
While my SO would absolutely know these things about my life, it did take me by surprise when my husband of 6 years casually asked me what color my eyes were recently. My face must’ve shown it all, I was like YOU DONT KNOW MY EYE COLOR?? 😂😂
Turns out it’s an eye color thing with him. He didn’t know his parents or siblings either.
In hindsight, I do recall telling him the golden ring around his iris were pretty and he was like “my what now? Oh and what color would you say my eyes are?” Bro does not see eye color.
I started dating someone and realized I was the only person sharing about myself and he was not. Then, he would ask me about personal things and I realized he was not listening to begin with. I dumped him. Bye bye biggest jerk I have ever seen.....
Three days later, OP returned with an update.
First, thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. Most of the responses were incredibly kind and thoughtful and I really appreciated getting other people's perspectives. And to the handful who were very concerned about the fact that a 25 yo girl cried at a bar after a few drinks… god forbid. #sueme.
Yes, this whole thing was incredibly poor timing and I could have handled it better. And yes, it’s entirely possible he was just drunk and overwhelmed in the moment.
While all those things have definitely come up in conversation multiple times before, I’ve realized this was never really about my middle name (which the initial is literally in my ig username but I digress).
It was more symbolic of a larger issue and forced me to confront something I had been feeling for a while/ been too scared to bring up. A lot of our conversations stayed in the present and didn’t really involve many follow up questions.
Over time that started to bug me because I’m a very extroverted person and I literally could yap all day, but people only really get to know you when they’re curious enough to ask.
After that night we did have a serious calm conversation about it while sober. He apologized for forgetting those things and said he froze in the moment and didn’t know what to do when I was crying (which confused me because my instinct in that situation would probably be to comfort my partner).
What I tried so hard to express is that I want to feel known by the person I’m dating! I want him to be curious about my life, remember things that matter to me, and have the emotional awareness to comfort me in difficulty situations.
Apparently those were crazy asks and ultimately, we ended up breaking up. The conversation never really felt fully resolved, and we were just going in circles without real understanding.
He later texted (?!?!) me saying he felt like he was a “major issue," thought I was amazing, and wished he could be more for me, but didn’t think he was capable of being the partner I needed.
I guess the problem just solved itself. I think more generally he was far out of his emotional depth and we have very different ideas about what it means to truly know and show up for a partner.
It's definitely still hard reconciling the relationship I thought I was in with the one I may have actually been in. I do think he’s a good guy and in some ways I do believe he cared about me, but I realized that feeling truly seen and understood by your partner matters a lot to me.
In hindsight there were probably also small yellow flags I should have noticed too like when he wrote in my Valentine’s Day card that he was “so grateful for all that I do for him.”
Reading your responses helped solidify what I was already feeling and quiet some of the self-doubt I had.
It is definitely for the best, but I’m still processing everything so I’d appreciate kind/insightful comments rather than comments telling me I was just a "warm hole" for him. Thanks guys <3
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Well, after 5 months, he should know something about you. If all he had was superficial interest, then it's best you made your goodbyes. Good luck in your future, OP
I feel like the first few months, at least for me, is when both parties should be most curious. Like that's when you're excited to chat, sharing stories and likes/ dislikes so it's really easy to know something about the other person. Like how did he not know pretty much anything about op?
What a low bar. He can't be the partner you need because he's required to remember basic information about you? Yikes. Thank goodness you realized at only 5 months in.
You deserve to be with someone who wants to know you. Someone who is curious about you. Unfortunately, this dude is not the one. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, and the strength to know what’s important to you. That’s GOOD.
It always sucks to be disappointed, but it’s better to come to this realization after five months instead of five years. Best of luck to you.