Boyfriend’s creepy obsession with her ex destroys their two-year relationship.' UPDATED
"My boyfriend is obsessed with my ex."
We’ve been together for 2 years and before this, I would say our relationship was very close to perfect. At the beginning of the year though, my boyfriend and I were at the grocery store and we bumped into my ex and another friend.
This was the first time they had ever met each other. We made polite conversation before going our separate ways. My boyfriend made a sarcastic comment about how nice my ex was when he was out of earshot. I didn’t think much of it at the time.
A few weeks after this, I noticed he was on my ex’s Facebook page. When I asked him what he was doing, he shrugged it off and said he was curious because he saw my ex had commented on Luke’s (a mutual friend of ours and my ex’s) post. He’s since friended him on there and claimed my ex was the one to initiate it.
He’s followed him on Instagram and twitter too. He comments on a lot of his posts too but my ex rarely comments back. He also somehow got Luke to invite him to my ex and his friends’ weekly (virtual) hangouts.
I mentioned I found it weird that they were hanging out but he dismissed it and said it wasn’t a big deal. He’s also started talking about changing his career path to what my ex is doing and makes snide comments about if his dad paid his way for him, he could take me on fancy trips too.
He’s also become incredibly passive aggressive towards me and makes comments about how if my ex didn’t move abroad for a few years we probably would never have dated. If I say no to anything (including sex) he comments about how he bets I wouldn’t say no if my ex was the one asking. He also got really sulky when he realised I still had a gift my ex gave me.
Yesterday we had a massive fight over it because I wanted to spend time together, but he ditched me to go hangout with my ex. I got so upset I told him he might as well date my ex instead.
I don’t really know what to do now. He’s giving me the silent treatment and I heard him tell my ex what I said which is really humiliating. What can I do to make him stop hanging out with my ex?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
If you want to be so much like my ex, I will just break up with you too.
Red flags all around. It sounds like your guy is deeply insecure and channeling that insecurity into loathing. He's already taking it out on you. Manipulating you, pressuring you in the bedroom, even attempting to turn your seemingly amicable ex on you??
He's pushing your boundaries. And his demands are impossible. Nothing you do will fix his insecurity, and so he will continue to lash out and demean you. I know because I have been there. This relationship sounds nothing "close to perfect." I sincerely hope you distance yourself from him and get some perspective. Best of luck.
Your boyfriend is clearly going through some things that he's not prepared to discuss with you like an adult, so I'd take this to a couples' counselor. If your boyfriend won't go? Dump him. You deserve so much better than this.
Three months later, the OP returned with an update.
After my last post, I tried to take the advice in the comments and suggested couples counselling and I asked my boyfriend to cut off my ex, but he got angry at me again. He claimed I was the one who needed therapy because I had jealousy issues, and that my ex was one of his good buddies and I couldn’t dictate who he was friends with.
Then a week later he had another hangout with my ex and his friends where he proceeded to very loudly tell them how I was so insecure, and I was trying to tell him who he could speak to. My ex and Luke had to tell him to stop which he didn’t like at all.
I should’ve just broken up with him at this point, but I was stupid and still clinging to the hope of my boyfriend going back to how he was. After this happened, my boyfriend was constantly making jabs at my ex and Luke but then he would still contact them and pretend to be friends with them.
Then, he became super interested in what my sex life was like with my ex. He was constantly asking me who was better between the two of them and he would ask me if I had done this or that with my ex. I kept telling him I didn’t want to talk about it and to stop asking me.
I then find out from my ex and Luke that he had been asking my ex directly the same questions and that he had been bragging about our sex life to his friends. My ex said he was telling me because my boyfriend made a comment about loaning me to my ex if he ever felt like recreating old times. That was the final straw for me, and I broke up with him and moved out.
My now ex-boyfriend didn’t take the breakup well and he went on a smear campaign. He even contacted my family and my ex’s family to tell them we were apparently having an affair and that he had no choice but to break up with me. It’s been almost a month since we broke up and he keeps getting new numbers to text and call me.
Deep down I think I knew this would be how things ended. I’m sad about the relationship I thought we had ending but now that I’ve had space away from my ex-boyfriend, I feel much better and it's like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
This dude is nuts. Leave and don't ever look back.. seriously...
Seriously her and her ex broke up for reasons and the now-ex still decides it's a good idea to be the bigger idiot. What the hell was he thinking was gonna happen...
Damn.. That dude was crazy as heck. I wonder what was he thinking to act like that, what was his end goal.
Luckily you left! This kind of behavior would just escalate, and it was already weird AF. He was dismissive of your feelings and it seems even your ex and Luke were uncomfortable with him. You’re better off. Stay safe and if he keeps contacting you maybe look into a restraining order or something.
He sounds deeply insecure and like he was trying to portray himself as some sort of big shot because he has you now and not your ex.... which is weird. It sounds like he was using you almost like a trophy, and constantly trying to compete with ex. I’m glad you got rid of him, sometimes situations like that can turn dangerous in seconds.